Black Sheep

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Illusion, Apr 9, 2011.

  1. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    For the past few months the fact that I'm the black sheep of my family has taunted me to a point where I'll run a random fever, start shaking and develop a major migrane. Its ruining me so badly! The rest of the girls in my family are either in college or graduating high school soon and they all have nice handsome boyfriends. They drive and work as well. I'm turning 16 soon and I don't drive, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't work, and I'm most likely dropping out. My mother hopes for grandchildren one day but I don't even want to have kids. My anxiety & temper are to bad to handle them. I have no clue what I want to do in life other than help my mother for all shes done with me. She said that she wants me to live with her and help raise my sister in case something was to happen to her.. but still. I feel like she would want me to be someone more. I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't want to graduate, be married, work, drive or have kids. However I feel like she looks at the other girls in my family and compares them to me and wishes I was like them.. The pressure and paranoia are triggering my suicide thoughts to the max. I don't want to live a normal society life but I don't want my mother to be disappointed in me either. God what do I do!?!? The future is scaring me to a point where I can't think straight or sleep well! Maybe I should just fall over dead. That would solve everything. I'm a pathetic piece of shit. I'm a black sheep as well as an ugly duckling surrounded by beautiful swans. Sorry SF.. I been trying to hold this in for months now so I wouldn't sound like just some annoying teenager but its killing me.. Crying my heart out here. Why can't things stay the same forever?
  2. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    A reason why I don't want to graduate is cause I don't know what I want to be.. Like I said. I just want to help my mom. What will I do when shes gone though? For me, graduating and moving on to college would be like giving me money and sending me to a store that sells nothing but romance novels. I don't like romance novels and I'm not interested in spending my money on them nor time looking at them and getting no enjoyment out of it.

    A reason why I don't want to drive is cause I'm scared of the road and I phase out without realizing it so good chance I'd wreck and be dead the minute I got my permit from phasing out uncontrollably..

  3. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I had a talk with my mom about what I said here pretty much. She said she would always love me for me and doesn't care if I'm not like the other girls in my family. As a matter of fact, she likes that about me. She also mentioned that she was the black sheep to and that all she ever really wanted to do was help her mother. She also dropped out of school and got her GED eventually like I plan on doing. My mom is successful and independent though. She doesn't even have to try with anything. Nor does she have a social problem like me. Though she said she'd support me with whatever I plan to do and its my life. She has faith in me. That warmed my heart but still the future taunts me. I have no clue where I'll be when shes gone. Gah.. I keep talking to myself here. Someone should really lock away the computer from me when I lack sleep so I won't make whiny threads.
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    You should just be yourself and do what you want to do. So what if the other girls in your family have cars, boyfriends and uni degrees; that's obviously the life they've chosen for themselves, it doesn't have to be your life too.

    As long as you're happy in whatever it is you're doing with your life, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. The fact that you've got your Mum's support is a truly great thing and you should take that support and use it to propel you into doing whatever it is you've always wanted to do. Make the most of it and do your best to make her proud while she's still around to see it.

    I can definitely relate to being anxious about losing your mother. I'm sure everyone would be who has a fairly close bond with their mother; but what I mean is I share the same "What am I going to do when she's gone?!" type thoughts that you have regarding her. When she's gone I'll be entirely alone. I don't have a uni degree, boyfriend or car either, like most people my age that I went to school with, so it'll be tough to go from having nothing to having even less, if that makes any sense.
  5. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    You're right. Its their life and thats them. How they roll is not how I roll. I guess my issue is I'm a people pleaser. I get so much of my self esteem from pleasing people that it keeps me from thinking my own thoughts and doing my own thing. I'm also a spazz with anxiety problems so a lot of times I feel like the world is after me and I need to be ready at all times.
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    have you ever thought of adopting certain age children? or being a foster parent(you could then adopt the kids once you foster them i think, lol)?

    fact is, i probly won't ever get a partner. So I don't really want to get a baby, and in Australia the number of babies that are available for adoption are very low. Far as I know, there's a lot more kids(not babies) available for adoption. and if adoption isn't an option, I could foster one(which is really the same thing, just that the kid isn't 'legally signed over' to you ie. ur name isn't on their birth certificate).

    this is a reason why i can't really relax in feels as though everyone is looking at me or I prefer to be alone.

    are u on anything for your anxiety/mental problems?
  7. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I have no interest in taking care of kids nor having any. Like I said, I'm to much of a spazz to handle them. Also to answer your question, nope I'm not on anything. My school counselor suggested me taking something for my anxiety but I just stopped seeing him. Plus I'm kinda scared to take any kind of medication like that. I know to many people that have changed big time from taking medication that counselors and stuff suggest. Hell, whats to change about me though? Maybe I do need to be on something to calm me. Like tonight, I dropped stuff probably about 5 times from being fidgety. I'm always dropping stuff and panicking. But anyways.. I can't relax in public places either and whenever I oddly decide to, I make a complete fool out of myself.