Blacked out

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Michael Ayin, Jun 5, 2010.

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  1. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    While some might dispute this isn't a full-out attempt, three weeks ago I stayed up for two days straight, then I preceded to drink unusually heavily while mixing my drinking with a concoction (that I wouldn't post here).

    I say that my attempt wasn't overtly suicidual, but to be honest I don't remember how much I drunk or imbibed, nor was feeling sad during the period. It was harrowing, howover, and disgusting---I woke up in piss and shit and still wearing the clothes I had worn that day. At first I had no idea what time it was, and vomited several times during that night. It took me 24 hours just to feel not so weak, and I didn't bother going to a hospital. If I had ODed, no one would have found me until much later.

    What I find rather bothersome is that I wasn't in the mode, "This is it, I'm going to leave this earth now"---I typically am pretty lucid even when I drink, and I can't say what motivated me to go overboard. It's eerie knowing that I could actually do this without much sentiment or regret. Holy shit.
  2. ParadiseLost

    ParadiseLost Member

    I have never felt any regret as well and recently didn't attempt.. just swallowed too many sleeping pills. Somewhat similar to yourself I woke up covered in vomit etc.

    Actually whenever I feel I will die I feel happy. No fear at all.

    If you feel you might do this again though you might consider going to the hospital.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope you don't do that again .....god knows what sort of damage you could do to your organs ....
    I'm so glad you're still here and have another chance at a better life...
  4. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    That's what I'm trying not to do---unless I decide to go once and for all. I don't want to be dealing with vital organs that are dysfunctional. Yuck. Being hooked but to a dialysis machine is something I definitely don't want, or anything similar. Suicidual thoughts or no, I would rather be gone than be at the mercy of a medical machine and mounting bills I can't pay.

    As far as better life, I'm trying to get off of third shift. I life in an area where jobs are scarce (nothing new) and I'm sending out resumes. Many things have placed a zap on my head and working nights do not help much. At least I do get some sunlight every day. I have not suffered seasonal depression in years, but the Michigan winters do not help me much. With a better job on a day-shift being "functional" will be something of worth.

    Thank you for your kind words, btw.
  5. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    The odd thing is that the more I grow older the less I fear death. I don't care for the thought of slowing dying---if that ever happens---but death itself is not some "evil" spectre it's made out to be. It least in my view.

    I'm just bewildered because it was not like I was thinking of offing myself that night. Not on purpose. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be scared of what I might do, but at any rate I don't drink every day and mix pills like that often. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this here and now, that's for certain.
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