Blackout and distruction

[Deadflower]

Hi together
i ve been reading you for more than a year and a half and now has come the time to post my first thread.
Been in depression since beginning 2019 but it dates as long as 2014...
Hospitalized two times, the second time a year ago after a suicide attempt when i <mod edit - method> went to hospital then psych hospital for some weeks.
Was then more or less ok since March 2020 and two days ago had a relapse. I put myself in dangerous situation, took subtances and again went through a self distructive modus where i just don t care about myself. I didn t harm anyone, never did it, i take care of others, it s just me , just me i don t care bout myself. Wanna die. Why i didn t succed in 2019. When over it s over you do not have to deal again with this. Am bisex, have HIV, love dress me up. Am a good person, i help others. It s just i cant help myself. It s black, again. Monday go work again and idk if i succed. Everyone s expecting something. Can I adress it? Need to change, i tried so hard i tried but then i relapsed. Why have to live like this. Better shut down everything, now.

 

[Lekatt]

I am sorry you are going through this right now. Everyone is unique and we all have differences. No one needs to feel bad about themselves, especially one that helps others as you do. That is commendable and something needed. We need you and others need your help. You will find support here and empathy. So keep posting. I am one who cares. Now there are some things that can help. Please read Intent. If you want to know more you can pm me. The caring people on this forum can help you.

 

[Walker]

Hi flower,
Welcome to SF. I'm glad you're posting to the site now after reading for so long.
Sounds like you've been having issues for a while now. Have you sought out any professional help for the way you're feeling other than the hospitalization?

 

[JDot]

Hey @Deadflower It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. It seems people who want to help others are always in pain themselves. I can tell you're a good person. I'm glad you found SF. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.

 

[Deadflower]

Hello
thank you so much for welcoming me and accept me in the SF community.
Am still a mess actually...
Yep i sought for Professional help, am still under therapy but i do not have the feeling it helps a lot... The pain am feelin again, i don t want to go through everything again... two days ago the only feeling which made me calm was thinking to die. Stop this pain... I did this error again and i did not want it at all. Why. Am unworthy.

 

[ManWithProblems]

Hello
thank you so much for welcoming me and accept me in the SF community.
Am still a mess actually...
Yep i sought for Professional help, am still under therapy but i do not have the feeling it helps a lot... The pain am feelin again, i don t want to go through everything again... two days ago the only feeling which made me calm was thinking to die. Stop this pain... I did this error again and i did not want it at all. Why. Am unworthy.

I'm sorry that things are not going well..sadly I don't have any advices..but I'll be here for you if u want to talk..I'm also very glad that you're opening up..I'm sorry..You can always talk to us..
Have u gone to a therapist before?

 

[KM76710]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I believe you will find this a good place to join in with others.