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blah blah blah

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dazzle11215, May 22, 2008.

  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's midnight and i don't think sleep is coming soon. my heart is racing and my head is racing and i so badly want to get high, to forget, to erase, to escape. these new meds are giving me the munchies, fierce munchies and i am so weak, i give in and have spent the last week eating, eating, eating. i hate myself for being so weak.

    well it's not like i need an excuse, most days i can just hate myself for any old reason. the doc sez i'm bipolar, and that i'm the only one who thinks i'm not. the nurse sez let's wait and see, as does the psych team. fuck. fuck. fuck. the label scares me. the thought of taking meds for years on end scares me. the thought of being hospitalized scares me. the thought that a large % of people with bipolar eventually kill themselves scares me, too.

    my therapist wants me to think about why i choose to punish myself so much and i can't tell her the real reason, the reason that i carry with me in my heart. i deserve it. i deserve every shitty thing that has happened to me - the abuse, the beatings, the rape.

    i hate having a file at the psych hospital. i hate that they write letters to my doctor. i hate that he thinks i'm fooling myself. i hate these mood swings. i hate being taken advantage of. i hate the munchies. i hate myself.

    i don't know how to escape being me.
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm really sorry you feel so bad. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, except I've noticed your replies to other people's threads and sometimes to my own and I always really value and respect your advice. You don't seem like a bad person at all.

    Please don't hate yourself :hug:

    About the bipolar thing: someone very close to me is bipolar and has it totally in control with medication and lives a happy, contented life. So it doesn't have to lead to a life of pain, misery and suicide. I hope you can feel better soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2008
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks for replying to my thread. my moods are all over the place again. i guess above everything i'm really emotionally exhausted. i ended up cutting myself last night, which i know is definitely a step in the wrong direction. i think i might have to go the hospital for a bit until i even out. i'm gonna try to hang on through the weekend until tuesday, since i have therapy monday and see the nurse tuesday.

    i am glad to hear someone living well with bipolar. it's not like i have any role models in this journey. my family is so spaced out, emotionally, they won't even talk to me about my most recent suicide atempt, and they've known about it for months.

    thanks again. i really appreciate that you took the time to read my rant and respond.
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    i wish i could help. you spend so much time giving such amazing and thoughtful advice to people here.

    remember to reach out over the weekend, you are not alone. it might be a step back but you know it, and you know how to overcome it so its not the end.

    Thinking of you. I really do think you are amazing.

  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks, diluted-angel. 2 days until therapy. i have planned loads of things to do this weekend, so i can keep myself busy and out of trouble.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    one night to go until counselling. i know i'm not doing well.

    i'm not sure why i am writing about this, but i am now carrying my stash of pills around with me. i guess i feel that if i need an escape plan i know that one is at hand. i can choose it, or i can leave it. the decision is mine.

    weird thing is, in my daydreams about this, i still want to be helped. i see myself taking the pills and finding a place (not my home) where i can just curl up. one daydream ends with my death; the other ends with being found by the garda and being taken to the hospital for help.

    do these fantasies ever go away? it's been 5 months since my last attempt. i am no longer depressed and isolated, now i'm a full-on crazy. :sad:

    thanks for listening.