i hate myself! i hate that i can't tell people when somethings wrong, i either dodge the questions or just say i'm fine, then i get upset because people don't know how bad i am. I'M NOT OKAY! how hard is it to say? not that fucking hard, yet i can't get it out when people ask me how i'm doing. everyday my heart physically aches, my eyes hurt and are heavy from the lack of sleep i'm getting and all the crying i'm doing, my back kills, i can't sit or stand up unsupported for more than half an hour because my back starts really hurting, i can't harm myself the way i used to so i'm finding alternative ways to do it, no one will know i'm doing it. i'm a shitty person and bad luck follows me everywhere! everyone i physically meet either turns out hating me or fucking dead, how about that? the only people who love me in return die and leave. everyday i wonder what it was that i did so bad but then i think, maybe, if there is a god, he's trying to get me to kill myself because he knows what damage i'll do in the future. i want to live, i want to be happy and i want to have a childhood. so far all i've done is just barely survive, i'm nowhere near happy and i've lost my childhood now, no chance of getting it back. whats the point? i dont want to be wanted, i dont want to be loved, i dont want to be liked, i dont even want to be tollerated.