blah blah mner blah

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by JBird, Mar 16, 2008.

  1. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    i hate myself! i hate that i can't tell people when somethings wrong, i either dodge the questions or just say i'm fine, then i get upset because people don't know how bad i am.

    I'M NOT OKAY! how hard is it to say? not that fucking hard, yet i can't get it out when people ask me how i'm doing.

    everyday my heart physically aches, my eyes hurt and are heavy from the lack of sleep i'm getting and all the crying i'm doing, my back kills, i can't sit or stand up unsupported for more than half an hour because my back starts really hurting, i can't harm myself the way i used to so i'm finding alternative ways to do it, no one will know i'm doing it.

    i'm a shitty person and bad luck follows me everywhere! everyone i physically meet either turns out hating me or fucking dead, how about that? the only people who love me in return die and leave. everyday i wonder what it was that i did so bad but then i think, maybe, if there is a god, he's trying to get me to kill myself because he knows what damage i'll do in the future.

    i want to live, i want to be happy and i want to have a childhood. so far all i've done is just barely survive, i'm nowhere near happy and i've lost my childhood now, no chance of getting it back. whats the point?

    i dont want to be wanted, i dont want to be loved, i dont want to be liked, i dont even want to be tollerated.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: Beak :sad:

    I'm really sorry you feel this way :sad: I can only imagine how you must be feeling with all that physical pain... I wish there was something I could do to make it more bearable :hug:

    What you say, that everyone you physically meet either leaves or dies, I've been there. I've felt like that, and sometimes still do. It's scary to think like that, because it can make you end up pushing everyone you love away. Please listen to me that in the end, that won't work.
    I know it's not easy but PLEASE try to look at the ones that do stay around. Not EVERYONE will leave or die. Well, eventually everyone dies, but not until their time has come. That's the circle of life.

    If you want to talk, just nudge me or email. I'd like to be there for you. Feel free to use metaphors and/or lyrics, whichever you feel most comfortable with.

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Jujiiiiiiiii, hun. :sad:

    If you ever need to talk, you know I'm around. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm here. :hug:
  4. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    i do push people away. i go through a phase where i make loads of friends but then i realise how annoying i am and how much i bug people so i give them reasons to dislike me.

    its not just because i think i'm annoying but i honestly don't get how friendship works. i have 2 'real' friends but i rarely see or talk to them but they're there when i need them to be. now i've been thrust into making friendships that i dont understand! i don't understand the bickering, the bitching, the making up, the talking etc. if i'm honest, friendship hurts and even though i was a wreck without friends...i was a wreck because thats how i deserved to be.

    people leave all the time. i feel foolish, i'm about to go into a loving and stable home for the first time in a long time, maybe even in my life. i'm so scared, what if they leave as well? like everyone else? what is they change their minds and begin to hate me like everyone else!
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni


    Just relax, be yourself and everything will be fine.
    They want you, keep that in the front of your mind...THEY WANT YOU!!!
    It's time to chuck out all the negative thoughts and see this as a completely new start. You can finally have a real home. :hug:
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    ^ :agreed:

    :hug: :hug:
  7. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    yer...maybe...we'll have to see. sorry.
  8. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    No sorries needed, Beak :hug: :hug: :hug:

    Here if you need me :cheekkiss