Feeling obnoxious tonight in some ways, its not my normal modus operandi. Sometimes when all is kept hidden, cloaked and denied, it tends to boil to the surface eventually in ugly ways. Perhaps this is where I'm at. Or perhaps I'm just being obnoxious without reason but want to place blame on something? For so many years we worked so hard and now our time is limited. What a waste of the time we had. So it would make sense that we would be making up for it now - right? Wrong. I'm pulling away, as if in defensive mode. How ugly a character trait is this? Sure, protecting myself - but at what cost? At some point I will be filled with remorse. The guilt is already present. So, seeing as I know this issue, can identify it and logically look at it - why can't I do things to prevent it being? It doesn't make sense. Frailty on my part? Absolutely. Selfishness? Yes. I try and have tried and will continue to try. In many ways I have been shut out. This relationship was the best thing to happen to me, definitely. The disease has unfortunately created some cracks in the relationship, which makes me sad. Demeanor's have changed, methods of speech and expression have changed. It has triggered me pretty badly at times. I am really exhausted. It has been a hellish couple of years. And now, the past keeps rearing its ugly head. This I cannot cope with whatsoever. I have met some truly good-hearted people here at SF. I have also met those who have hurt me and betrayed my friendship. Its pretty much just like my regular life for me. So, no more, I just can't deal with it in my present state. If you don't have good intentions, then kindly fuck off and let me be. Please don't pretend to care, don't say things to make yourselves feel better - just piss off and leave me alone. Sometimes the pain here is so palpable that it is difficult to read. Yet for all the kindness that has been shown to me, can't I at least give a little, too? And for those I have let down, I sincerely apologize. I find it difficult to think of losing those I have come to know even a little bit, having lost my best friend to sui. I failed her, I know this. So I feel responsible for those I know going through a rough time, as if I'm trying to not let that happen again. Its a difficult one to explain, but also loss to me is very difficult to handle. I have written previously about feeling selfish, its a common and ever-present theme for me. Its one emotion that has been a constant in my life, along with guilt. I wonder will a time ever come when they both can be felt a little less? Currently I should be more in control of myself than I am at times. I know I am the only one here to look after them. I feel sometimes I am invisible though. I don't and shouldn't begrudge them a thing, but I feel at times that ugly emotion sneaks in a little. That's another disgusting thought. I should not be worried and consumed about thoughts about myself, I need to be here for them. I was asked recently who would be there for me when the end comes. I didn't have an answer, its the one thing that truly terrifies me. There really is no one anymore. I wonder if I can make it through this? I wonder if I can make it after, too? What will I do? Where will I live? Who will I become, if I'm here? Can I change myself back to the all in-control person I was? The unflappable being? I'm not so sure I want to go back to being that person. I think I need to evolve into a new, better, me. If I can. This is what I doubt, that I can do what I need to do. Yes, we should live in the present. Or try to. Its so very difficult to do, though. Its like that saying to take each day as it comes. I hate that. How else are we going to live? Seriously. Its one of those things people say when they haven't a flying fart idea of what to say. Keep your foolish words to yourselves, please? Its those nights of feeling completely overwhelmed and not knowing where to turn to for help, or how to control the anxiety - those nights are the worst for me. I am scared of my impulsive nature. If I start to escalate I realize I need to try and return or ground myself before things get out of hand. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't even try. Its completely irrational but perhaps I'm happy in this state of flux? Ugly, ugly way to be, and it is me.