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Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Inanimate, Feb 16, 2016.

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  1. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I'm just feeling... rather suicidal. Well, I've felt this bad since Monday but now even more so. I can't say I'll feel "better" in the morning. I mean... I've been significantly suicidal several times in the past and eventually recovered... a little, but I suppose that doesn't mean I shouldn't reach out. To be honest, this doesn't feel like it's "me" talking. I do this shit every time; every time my suicidality reaches a certain limit, after intentionally letting my suicidal thoughts consume me, I waver and start reaching out. It's truly frustrating. I'm just so tired of the irrationality and insanity that has perpetuated my meaninglessly agonizing life. I'm so damn lonely. I want to finally break this impervious psychological barrier and kill myself already. Ugh... so annoying. Why do I write meaningless shit? I'm adamantly suicidal; I won't be convinced. I've only convinced myself. It's not that I don't appreciate advice... it's just... wasted words on an unreasonable individual. Well, at least I recognize that I'm irrational, as one would say.

    I don't know what to say anymore. I'm cold... and tired, literally speaking. I'll sleep and wake up feeling the same again. I'll have nothing productive to do again. I'll... shut the fuck up.
     
  2. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Monday... Sunday*
    Christ...
     
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    This is not meaningless sh't. I'm glad you're reaching out hun *hugs*
    Do you have anywhere you can turn to get help to get you out of this cycle?
    You deserve to get better! And the fact that you reach out shows that you do want it.

    If you want to rant and ramble or just talk to someone, you're always welcome!
     
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  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hun, we haven't spoken in a while. I am really sorry you are feeling so low. But it's not meaningless, it's meaningful to you and that's all that matters. Please do not do anything silly that you might later regret. Keep talking to us here if it helps ((hugs)) to you.
     
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  5. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    Hello, I am sorry You are in such situation but I see a contradiction in You
    At the same time You want to reach out for help, You do not accept help because You think it´s meaningless
    Seems like You´ve been losing hopes on life and on yourself and that´s not good
    Because when we lose hopes, we began accepting defeat and start embracing the very evil that disturbs us
    Do not do that to yourself !!!!
    Please do not give up on yourself, I dont know the source of all your depression but I see it has reached a point where although U r crying to be heard, making a plea for help, You dont wanna accept and absorb any help, You r not hopeless, no matter what´s been going on with You but such attitudes makes You hopeless but You can change it.

    It´s not just about accepting help from others, it´s about absorbing the positive and the good that life brings to You, no matter how little, no matter how tiny because when You embrace it, You will be able to learn about it and make it grow within yourself and that´s gonna help You defeat the evil that´s been bringing You down and driving You close to a horrible event.

    You bring yourself down by calling yourself this and that, do not continue to live accepting such words from you towards yourself, do not continue to live accepting any words like this from anyone towards You because that is damaging You in a big scale and it´s keeping You from healing or even trying to heal

    You said You appreciate advice but won´t be convinced about anything, well it´s never about being convinced, it´s about understanding and absorbing, if You understand what I am talking about, it´s your choice to absorb it and make something good out of it . There´s still time and there´s still chances, do not blind yourself believing all is lost and hopeless, You can see it like this for your entire life and not know how close those chances were from You but You never took them.

    Each time You bring yourself down is a chance You have to learn to care more for yourself so when the next time comes when You feel like calling yourself this or thinking of yourself this or that way, You stop and give yourself a vote of confidence. It´s not denying problems or how messed up your inside must be now but it´s a step towards healing and if You wanna heal, You need to start allowing yourself to begin the process and to stop bringing yourself down will be a great big first step .
     
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  6. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Not really. I've done inpatient therapy a couple of times, but all I've wanted to do there is self-harm and get out (not necessarily in that order), so that's out of the question. Inpatient therapy isn't all that I've done, but it's not important. Thank you. I do deserve to get better, but as I am, I don't accept myself, let alone love myself, to say the least. I despise myself, which isn't unheard of but to a significant extent. I would like to talk to people, but I'm quite unsociable, and it's very frustrating.
    Ditto. Yeah, I mean, it's not meaningless in the short-run, but it feels that way in the long-run. I won't do anything... now at least. Ha, okay--I won't do anything... (for a while). Nevermind, I'm incompatible with optimism. Anyway, thanks; I'll consider talking.
    A lot of what you've said hits home. I am unimpressed with life, and I'm indifferent to it. However, at heart, I still want to enjoy it. I suppose embracing the trivial, good things in my life would help, but at the same time, yes, there is a contradiction in me because I don't want to be helped or saved. I hate myself so much that I feel the need to die, and that I feel like I'm going to die.

    Well, I have been bullied on three separate occasions throughout my schooling, and I wouldn't say that what I've been told has stuck with me, but they were right about certain things.

    I had neglected to mention the understanding and absorbing bit yesterday, but while I do understand and agree to most of the advice that I've been given, I don't exactly accept it. I haven't really let anyone's advice influence my mindset.

    Stop and give myself a vote of confidence... well, that's far-fetched o_O;). I'll consider it.
     
  7. Persephone2

    Persephone2 Active Member

    It is possible to get over self-hatred. You must believe that you have some good in you. Nobody is the best or worst person in the world. We all have both good and bad sides. Try as hard as you can to focus on your good sides. Imagine that you're your own best friend. What would you do or say to help you feel better about yourself? The world is full of jerks who may try to make you feel bad, but you don't have to do that to yourself.
     
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  8. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    I don´t know why You were bullied during your studies and if it continued later on but You can´t let what other people say or think about You influence your attitudes towards yourself, You say that bullying was right about certain things, well We live in a world where society make clone after clone after clone out of people, so everyone is basically the same, the ones who are different, the ones who are quieter, the ones who don´t fit in groups, they are picked on but it´s not bad to be different, it´s this crazy society machine that wants everybody to be the same. You should not hate yourself based on what others say or think about You because if we all leave it up to them, we will be unhappy and never have success in life because a lot of people are selfish, a lot of them are greedy and they wanna taken down anyone.

    I dont know why You hate yourself but I am sure there´s influence of other people there, perhaps even people from the past, it´s not worth letting people, specially the ones who do not like us influence our thoughts and feelings so much, do not let other people direct your life and the way You feel about yourself.
    If there´s things You need to change in yourself, work on it but do not hate yourself because there´s things You gotta fix, now beware of what kinda things the bullies were right about because your mind can be so confused and overwhelmed that perhaps they were not right at all and You began accepting them as being right, about this only You can really know. Them being right or not, they shouldn´t direct anyone´s thoughts and feelings .

    So You accept bad things people can say to you but You do not accept the good things, why treat yourself like that ?
    I believe that deep down u feel sad about it
    You change it, it´s up to You . Your well being matters, your happiness and dreams matter
    They gotta start to matter to You now
     
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  9. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Yes, it is possible to get over self-hatred, but it's rather impossible if I don't want to. The prime determinant for my recovery has always been whether or not I truly want to recover and redeem myself. I've only had superficial reasons to live that have kept me going, like envy... especially envy. However, envy isn't entirely motivational, to put it lightly; it makes me want to die (surprise), and it can get overwhelming enough to induce a panic attack... at least in my case. All in all, my reasons for living now... don't seem worth it. Anyway, that's enough ranting. "What would you do or say to help you feel better about yourself?" Let's see... well, I'd self-harm... that might at least distract me. Na... well, yeah, I self-harm, but I wouldn't intentionally do anything to help myself feel better about myself; self-harm is quite... the opposite. Anyway, I know you were hypothetically speaking; I'm just... that bored. I do understand what you're saying, and you're right; I don't have to do that to myself. Well, thank you for your response.
    Yes, it isn't bad to be different (as long as I can function properly in society). I... I know what you mean.

    Bullies do pick out "weaknesses" in people... to fruitlessly attempt to fill whatever insatiable void they have within themselves. If I must be honest, I'm quite bitter, and I do hope that void irredeemably consumes my past tormentors if it hasn't already.

    I suppose I feel sad about it. I don't know. I'm sorry if this response is too short, but I'm just spent. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. You're really nice.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I just want to say I hope you are having a better day today and all is well. Thinking of you and please know and believe you are not alone in this battle because you aren't, you have so many people rooting for you! *hugs*
     
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  11. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    They're rooting for me...? Why can't I hear them? It must be so dark that I can't even hear. I've actually been thinking about that--whether or not I'm alone, because I feel totally alone. I only feel the slightest bit of "not alone" when I'm reaching out, which I hardly do IMO, and the relief is only fleeting. Anyway, I'm not completely losing it yet, so I suppose I'm having a better day. Not quite sure that this is a battle; this has to be a massacre at the very least. Ho-ho!

    Thank you for your compassion, and for just responding.
     
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  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are very welcome and I hope things improve for you soon. Please keep us updated either way.
     
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  13. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling bad--terrible--liable to self-injury. I was distressed by something before I slept. Then, I had a deplorable dream and woke up feeling exactly the same or worse. I took forever to get up because I was lamenting, and I contemplated not getting up at all and just lying there indefinitely. Every day feels progressively nightmarish. I really can't keep my composure; I feel like doing something extreme.
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, think of what you can do to feel better, what would make you happy right now? Maybe try and relax and make your favourite meal or write in a diary. I hope that somehow you can keep yourself from doing something destructive.
     
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  15. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Well, I haven't done anything destructive. I've temporarily distracted myself by watching a Let's Play. Not sure what I would have written in a diary if I had the will to in that state--probably gibberish.
     
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