blah...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rukia, Nov 2, 2009.

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  1. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I just need to get this out.

    I don't really belong here, but I don't belong anywhere else either. I'm to shy to make new friends, and my old friends are tired of me. After all this time on SF I only really know one person. I guess it's a good thing, less people to disappoint. And I will disappoint those who care. I just can't stop being suicidal, and one day I'll get to the point where I don't care if I hurt people. I don't have a good reason for wanting to die, other that I don't want to live. I go to sleep every night hoping that I'll die i my sleep, and when I wake up I hope that I'll get hit by a car or something during the day. My parents would probably be able to go on if I die like that. I can't stop thinking about when and how, and I think I know how. When depends on my mood. My friends and family don't know that I'm not ok, but I only have to lie to two people, my mother and Steve. They actually ask me if I'm ok, and I usually say I am. It's not really a lie, because I'm ok with being suicidal. I don't try to get the thoughts to disappear, I don't want to stop being suicidal. I want to die, but I won't kill myself if I'm not suicidal. I know that doesn't make any sense. The only thing I wish I could change in my head is the will to study. If I don't open my books soon, I'll fail all my exams. That shouldn't matter, but I don't want anyone to think that I kill myself because I failed my exams. That was how I felt last year. I wanted to die because I failed my exam, but now I want to die every day without any reason. My dr wants to take me off my meds sometime during the spring, and I'll go from 4 mg to 3 mg of Risperdal in mid December. I think that will let the voices gain more control over my mind again, if I'm still alive. They are probably mad at me for making them go away, and will make my life hell. That will make me even more suicidal, and then I will leave this world for sure. Blah...

    I just let my fingers write this and I don't even know what I've written. :tongue: All I know is that I WANT TO DIE NOW!!!!!!!!
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Keep posting, get it out so you can get some relief. Get an appointment with your doctor and let him know this is happening so he can help you.

    :hug:
     
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I'm just wondering if it wouldn't make a big difference if you DID tell your family, or at least your mother. It's so easy to make other people think we're ok, when we're not, and it's even easier to think they don't really care because they can't see what's so obvious to us, that we're NOT ok. And Chargette is right too I think, speak to your doc. voices or no voices, feeling suidical all the time is serious stuff, he needs to know.

    :hug:
     
  4. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Thanx.

    I don't think I can get an appointment with my doctor until January/February. He is really busy in November and he's not going to be there in December and some of January. I should have told him when I saw him last time, but it was too easy to just tell him that I'm ok. Hehe.

    Telling my mother isn't really possible. She won't handle me being suicidal, she has been watching me ever since I told her I was depressed and was hearing voices. After telling her that I'm ok for a while now, she don't think I've had a bad day in months. And I like that. I don't want anyone to spend their time worrying about me. Everyone has got their own problems, why would I add more to them when I'm not planning on staying anyways. That is why I write here, you can all choose to ignore me.
     
  5. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Then why wouldn't you try familial plannings? Free consults at the hospital. Don't let yourself down, please.
     
  6. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Hanne, i could say so much but all i really wanna say is.....

    "Hold on, if you feel like letting go
    Hold on, it gets better than you know
    Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
    Don't stop searching, it's not over
    Hold on"​
     
  7. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Thanx, I guess I should try to remember that more.

    I've had the worst day in a long time today, and its only 12.40. Couldn't end it because i have to work in the afternoon. If I'm feeling this bad tonight, maybe I'll go.
     
  8. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Rukia :hug:

    I still have that christmas card you sent me last year. :eek:hmy: I was just looking at it yesterday. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Please hold on and don't hurt yourself. You would be missed a lot. :hug: :hug:

    - Courtney
     
  9. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I remembered something at work today. My memory sucks, always have been like that, but it got worse when I started to SH. Whatever. The thing is I remembered the first time I left to go and kill myself. I was 14 and I was at my boyfriends house. For some reason I was upset with him, and I left with the intention to end it. He followed me and held me for a long time. It made me feel so much better. I wish I was 14 again, that a good hug was all I needed to feel better. Maybe it still is, but I guess I'll never know that. blah...
     
  10. melosine

    melosine Active Member

    I can definitely relate to this, I want to go but I dont have a good reason to or Im afraid. Honestly, it is best if you stay. I know Im the wrong person, but I dont like hearing about others hurting themselves. Yet, Im ok with mine if that makes sense.(might not). Anyway, I know how it is to be shy and have a limited amount of friends, it sucks..
     
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