I just need to get this out. I don't really belong here, but I don't belong anywhere else either. I'm to shy to make new friends, and my old friends are tired of me. After all this time on SF I only really know one person. I guess it's a good thing, less people to disappoint. And I will disappoint those who care. I just can't stop being suicidal, and one day I'll get to the point where I don't care if I hurt people. I don't have a good reason for wanting to die, other that I don't want to live. I go to sleep every night hoping that I'll die i my sleep, and when I wake up I hope that I'll get hit by a car or something during the day. My parents would probably be able to go on if I die like that. I can't stop thinking about when and how, and I think I know how. When depends on my mood. My friends and family don't know that I'm not ok, but I only have to lie to two people, my mother and Steve. They actually ask me if I'm ok, and I usually say I am. It's not really a lie, because I'm ok with being suicidal. I don't try to get the thoughts to disappear, I don't want to stop being suicidal. I want to die, but I won't kill myself if I'm not suicidal. I know that doesn't make any sense. The only thing I wish I could change in my head is the will to study. If I don't open my books soon, I'll fail all my exams. That shouldn't matter, but I don't want anyone to think that I kill myself because I failed my exams. That was how I felt last year. I wanted to die because I failed my exam, but now I want to die every day without any reason. My dr wants to take me off my meds sometime during the spring, and I'll go from 4 mg to 3 mg of Risperdal in mid December. I think that will let the voices gain more control over my mind again, if I'm still alive. They are probably mad at me for making them go away, and will make my life hell. That will make me even more suicidal, and then I will leave this world for sure. Blah... I just let my fingers write this and I don't even know what I've written. :tongue: All I know is that I WANT TO DIE NOW!!!!!!!!