Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rukia, Mar 20, 2012.

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  1. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I'm posting really, I'm not on here much anymore and honestly I'm not worth anyones time. Tonight is a hard night, and most of the day has been filled with depression. I'm feeling really down and suicide is on my mind. Suicide is really not an option for me anymore, but right now I wish it was. I wish I could just give in to the negative thoughts like I used to do and not feel bad about it. There is a part of me that wants to live, that still have hope that my dream for the future will happen, and I really hate that part of me at the moment. It is completely idiotic to think like this, but I kinda miss feeling desperately suicidal and wanting to hurt myself. Now I just feel very down and depressed most of the time, and it keeps getting worse. I haven't hurt myself in any way since some time in late 2010, no OD's, no cutting, none of my favorite way of pain, nothing, and I usually don't miss it. Except tonight. I want to do something, it's not an urge to do something, I can easily keep myself away from the bad stuff, but I want to. I honestly don't know why I'm writing here, what I write doesn't make any sense to me. I guess what I'm trying to write is that I'm suicidal tonight and I wish I could do something about it.
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    It sounds more like you are posting out of need to vent some of your thoughts and try and make sense of things going on in your life. It does not matter what you post and certainly, it does not matter that you are hardly on the site anymore. It is around, after all, for when you really need it, just like you do now. And that is perhaps the best thing about SF. It is always here, any time of the day or night and people who will bend backwards for everyone else.
    I do not know what is going on, but you should take not being able to just 'give in to suicide' as a positive thing, the same as having the will power to stay away from OD'ing and cutting and all of the other things, even if you do have to go through intense moments of depression and thoughts where nothing matters anymore.

    I usually do not recommend medication, as I believe they are only an escape from your troubles and one can too easily get addicted to using them (not unlike cocaine, heroine et cetera) but I assume that you have talked to your GP or some other health care professional about things? What did they advise that you can do for your depression?
    You can think of suicide as much as you like, but first I would that you come back here before you get in the frame of mind to act on it and have a chat with all of us. We can at least help you get through the rest of the (your) night and, hopefully, give you a good frame of mind for tomorrow to keep yourself going until you grace us with your presence again.

    Or at the least, :bubbles: is here to give you a smile when you need one the most. ^^
  3. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Leif (I actually know someone with that name here in Norway :) )

    I don't do very well with doctors and other health care professionals and because of that they don't do well with me either. Hehe. I've tried some different anti-depressants over the years with not much luck really. My GP said last time we talked that he doesn't want to try more meds on me and I should just deal with it. (That's not exactly what he said I guess, but that's what I heard) I'm seeing him again in a couple of weeks and I plan to talk to him about taking me off my anti-psychotics. That's probably the worst idea I've ever had, but I'm sick of taking the meds every day and I want to see if I don't need them anymore. And kinda because I miss the voices in my head. Yes, it's stupid.

    I know it's good that I can't act on my suicidal thoughts anymore, but it makes it hard when I fall so deep into depression and I can't do anything to ease that. Earlier I wanted to want to live, but couldn't. All I wanted was to die. Now I want to want to die 100%, not having this part of me holding back, making it impossible to act on it. As I said, I know that's a good thing, but it confuses me. I guess my head isn't in the right place atm.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are worth people time hun you are special and important
    The thoughts of suicide depression kicking you good
    I don't think it is stupid about missing voices in your head you grown use to them and it will take time to get use to being with out them
    I do think you need to talk to your doctor about these thoughts the depression and the voices please know you do matter hun and we care okay so please keep you safe hugs
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I commend you on your choices which are reflecting a healthier lifestyle. I think that the path to coming out of mental illness is a difficult one, and rarely, if ever a straight line up. In other words, there are setbacks. So it is normal and ok to feel this way. If it were that easy to get better--adversity free--then everybody would be cured. I'm very happy that you've taken suicide out of the equation. Keep making positive choices and you'll feel the benefits.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I commend you too rukia for changing your life.....that takes courage.

    Is there something that triggered this feeling for you ?

    I'm glad you're going to see your doctor soon..

    you are very worthy of our time and hope you'll keep reaching out for our support :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2012
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling unwell......please feel free to write to us as much as is applicable.....lots of luck to you and keep us posted. :hug:
  8. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Thanks all for your replies. It really means alot. I'm still feeling very depressed, but I guess I just have to deal with it.
  9. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I believe in you!
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