I don't know why I'm posting really, I'm not on here much anymore and honestly I'm not worth anyones time. Tonight is a hard night, and most of the day has been filled with depression. I'm feeling really down and suicide is on my mind. Suicide is really not an option for me anymore, but right now I wish it was. I wish I could just give in to the negative thoughts like I used to do and not feel bad about it. There is a part of me that wants to live, that still have hope that my dream for the future will happen, and I really hate that part of me at the moment. It is completely idiotic to think like this, but I kinda miss feeling desperately suicidal and wanting to hurt myself. Now I just feel very down and depressed most of the time, and it keeps getting worse. I haven't hurt myself in any way since some time in late 2010, no OD's, no cutting, none of my favorite way of pain, nothing, and I usually don't miss it. Except tonight. I want to do something, it's not an urge to do something, I can easily keep myself away from the bad stuff, but I want to. I honestly don't know why I'm writing here, what I write doesn't make any sense to me. I guess what I'm trying to write is that I'm suicidal tonight and I wish I could do something about it.