Blaming Myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Legacy, Feb 27, 2014.

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  1. Legacy

    Legacy Member

    It's been a long time since i felt the need to post in here... I guess things just have a way of building up until you just... Break...

    I found out a little while ago that i'm expecting my second child, and i was over the moon, bubbling with excitement (a rare thing for me) and looking forward to my first ultrasound. I had my first Ultrasound 2 days ago and was told i would need to go to a bigger hospital for another ultrasound and more tests as they thought the baby had Bladder Extrophy (the bladder growing outside of the body).

    I went, hoping for the best, and ended up getting the worst news i could possibly get. While the baby doesn't have bladder extrophy, it was diagnosed with Megacystis. The bladder is so big, there's just blackness across the lower half of the babies body. I had to have a CVS test to test the placenta and the problem could be one of 2 things. 1. there is a blockage in the bladder, and it will eventually damage the kidneys and either crush or prevent organs from forming, and the baby will pass away. Or 2, it is a chromosomal abnormality caused by something in my genes and the baby will pass away.

    Even though i don't know the full answer as to what is wrong and i won't for another week, i am blaming myself. I feel that as a mother, even to an unborn tiny little baby, you are supposed to be able to protect that child and i feel like i have failed and i feel hopeless.

    Ever since i had my son, the suicidal thoughts had drifted away, but now they have come back in a flood, because all i can think about is how if i can't protect one child the way i am supposed to then the other one would be better off without me. I also think about the pain that my other half is trying to hide from me, And how if i wasn't here then i wouldn't be able to cause that pain for him.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so very very sorry to read this post. I do not see it as being your fault. Although I can understand that you want to protect your beautiful unborn baby with everything in your power. And you are not able to do that. This must be the ultimate in excruciating pain. And I am so very sorry.

    Many moms blame themselves for genetic conditions they pass along. I always ask the same question. Where did you get this genetics from? Is it that persons fault? Is it your moms or dads fault? Grandmother or grandfathers fault? Would you blame them? Thats my point. I know it doesnt take away the pain of not being able to make things right. But I do want you to know that things like this are never the fault of the mom. Or anyone.

    Your "other half" and your child need you. If it is as bad as they are saying, they will lose someone. Please help them to not lose someone else.... you. The loss of you would be a grief that will be more acute and horriffic than you can realize. Please make sure you never do that to them. Okay? :hug:

    Is there a counselor you can talk with? I know that in the UK that is not as easy as in the US where I live. But maybe your doctor would be able to refer you to someone who you could get in to see quickly to help you. I know it will not erase the reality. But it may help you to sort through some of that self blame. And to be able to get help with the other feelings as well.

    Again, I cannot express how sorry I am that this is happening. My thoughts go out to you. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2014
  3. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    There was nothing you could do to change the outcome of the fetus.

    Sometimes women have complications during the gestational period, it happens, it is part of playing the game of reproduction... you cannot blame yourself as you had no input or control regarding the fetus' incubation period. I.e. don't beat yourself up over something you can't control.
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