It's been a long time since i felt the need to post in here... I guess things just have a way of building up until you just... Break... I found out a little while ago that i'm expecting my second child, and i was over the moon, bubbling with excitement (a rare thing for me) and looking forward to my first ultrasound. I had my first Ultrasound 2 days ago and was told i would need to go to a bigger hospital for another ultrasound and more tests as they thought the baby had Bladder Extrophy (the bladder growing outside of the body). I went, hoping for the best, and ended up getting the worst news i could possibly get. While the baby doesn't have bladder extrophy, it was diagnosed with Megacystis. The bladder is so big, there's just blackness across the lower half of the babies body. I had to have a CVS test to test the placenta and the problem could be one of 2 things. 1. there is a blockage in the bladder, and it will eventually damage the kidneys and either crush or prevent organs from forming, and the baby will pass away. Or 2, it is a chromosomal abnormality caused by something in my genes and the baby will pass away. Even though i don't know the full answer as to what is wrong and i won't for another week, i am blaming myself. I feel that as a mother, even to an unborn tiny little baby, you are supposed to be able to protect that child and i feel like i have failed and i feel hopeless. Ever since i had my son, the suicidal thoughts had drifted away, but now they have come back in a flood, because all i can think about is how if i can't protect one child the way i am supposed to then the other one would be better off without me. I also think about the pain that my other half is trying to hide from me, And how if i wasn't here then i wouldn't be able to cause that pain for him.