Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by perfect-flaw, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. perfect-flaw

    perfect-flaw Active Member

    This will make no sense...

    I applaud those who actually read through this

    Nick unblocked me, and started fucking with my head……basically… he was telling me about how he knew I loved him, and how he could do whatever he wanted, and I starting getting so scared, and this was at the same time Tracey asked me I cut.. and it just… triggered something..So then, I don’t even know what happened. Everything just automatically went back to the way it used to be, and I stole these surgical blades, from the scalpels in the dissection kit that are used to cut open the pigs are things like that, and I went into my bag to get them, and I just..couldn’t move.. It just all crashed down on me, and then I was crying, and shaking, and I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t feel anything. I called Steph, she was on another line, but she ALWAYS ANSWERS except for that time she was talking to Elvio.. and she didn’t answer…. She didn’t answer, so I called again.. and again, and again.. And then I tried to call Elvio, because I was freaking out, and I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t even breath, I was hyperventilating, on my desk, and Elvio didn’t answer.. then Kayla calls me crying so hard, because she’s bleeding because Daniel doesn’t love her, and she loves Nick, and bla bla bla, and I just.. couldn’t deal with it.. I tried calling Nino, he didn’t pick up, then Kayla wouldn’t pick up anymore… Daniel was at a party, and when he answered he was drunk and didn’t give a fuck, and then by then, I was freaking out.. so badly. Fuck, I was crying and just mumbling to myself, telling whoever the hell is up there “I have blades, cant you see? Why doesn’t anyone care? They said they did, They said that they would stop me, they said they’d be here, and they’re not, they’re all gone.” And I wanted to call Elvio and Steph and yell at them both about how obviously everyone else is so much more important, but for everyone to just tell me they didn’t give a fuck….. and then, I opened the stupid pack to the blade, and started burning it in the candle flame,a nd then I prssed it to my skin, and it fucking burned, and I was so scared, because I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t.. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. Some part of me just snapped, and I just wanted to die, I just wanted to off myself, to do something to make me die, and leave a stupid note… I grabbed a pen and started writing a suicide note… it said something like “Don’t cry, I love you all. Tell Steph I’m sorry and I love her and she will always be my sister. Tell Dii that I’m sorry I never got my license to drive him around and have fun Tell mom and dad that I love them and this is not their fault, and I’ll miss them.. Tell Elvio that I love him, and I wish that it could haveben different, that we could have been happy, and it could have worked. Tell Nick that I forgive him. Tell Nino to stay strong, and not to do what I did. Tell Tracey to stop crying because her tears are too beautiful, and to pick herself up and move on.. Tell all my friends that I’m sorry the blade got to me first. I’m sorry that the tears my cuts cry, are red, and more beautiful than those that anyone will ever cry to me. Leave only black roses on my grave” Fuck, no one understands how much I died last night, and no one answered, no one ever did. Everyone was gone, and the ONLY person talking to me was NICK, telling me he wanted me to send him naked pictures of me. Telling me he knew he still had total control over me.. I was so scared that he would come around and rape me again, I was so scared of everything, of my own breath.. I ended up running away from home, but not really. I snuck out, and ran outside, to the church, collapsed, and cried….. and cried and couldn’t stop.. and then I wanted to come back, to see if maybe someone still cared, I came back home… I called them both, still on the other lines.. ignoring.. And then I woke up my brother and told him that them two were probably talking.. I didn’t mean to.. and he just shrugged.. and went back to sleep.. And then I ran back here, the stupid blades were still scattered all over the desk, and I wrote Steph an email, and left Elvio that note on MSN.. And then I collapsed on my bed, took six Advil, and cried to the point where I forgot how to breath, and then…. And then I semi-fainted on my bed, and when I came to, I told myself that this was it, I was getting a psychiatrist. I was so fucking scared, so screwed up, so alone.. I went and grabbed the box and put all my blades in there, including the one I had opened and used to burn myself, and put on as many sweaters as I could, to try and stop myself from seeing my own skin, because if I did, I would want to cut it… to see it bleed… I still do… And then I went back to my computer, and logged onto this site that teaches you this stupid recipe that involves tobacco and someother shit, that if you drink it, you go to sleep and never wake up. I was so fucked, I couldn’t stop it.. I had a whole thing planned out.. I wanted to wake up, turn on the fucking car in the garage and then walk out and die because of the carbon monoxide. I wanted to walk in front of a moving car and hope it crushed me, I wanted to go drown myself in the stupid pond by my house.. and I hated it.. I hate myself.. I hate who I’ve become, I hate the way I think, having to live with myself.. and I kept reminding myself of how fucking stupid I was, and pathetic, and meaningless, and I curled up in my bed and sobbed and sobbed.. Steph finally calls me at 2:30, but I pick up and hang up, and turn of my phone, because I don’t want to talk to her, or anyone.. And I grab my iPod and listen to “Fix you” by Coldplay, and I’m remembering my grandfather, and how pathetic and disgraceful I’ve become… and then I remember my relationship with Elvio, with me and Nino and how much I loved them both, and me and Steph and all the good times, and its like I’m having a stupid flashback before the end… and then.. finally.. I couldn’t cry anymore, and I was shaking on the stupid bed.. and then like it always happens.. I stopped feeling.I stopped caring, and loving, and hating.. All I was doing was breathing.. Its like my whole body goes on numb, it happens so many times, and then finally… I just fell asleep, like that, like a zombie….. And when I woke up this morning, my eyes were bloodshot, I was pale, and I coughed up a bit of blood, and I didn’t fucking know what I was, or who, or anything….. And since this morning, I’ve just kind of been faking it…
  2. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    You expressed alot, it must of been difficult of to kept it inside :(. :hug:.

    Sorry im no good at reply's however just wanted you to know i read your post and listened to you.

    Its good that yuo resisted the urge to cut yourself, im sorry you couldnt find help when hyperventalating i been there myself :(. Its quite frightening.

    You know you can always talk on here. We will always listen.
    I hope some one else responds too because this reply is pretty lame xD :p.

    If you ever need to talk just Pm me, its sounds like you been through an ordeal. Also it might be best to remove that Nick :(
  3. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    :arms: I don't think there is really much I can say too that post...

    It's terrifying when you're like that and you can't find anyone to help, I know. But you got through, you resisted :smile: That's got to mean something.

    And yeh, like Death said... Maybe oyu should leave Nick? If possible? :/

    We're always here for you hun ok? Anytime you need to talk :hug:

    Take care and keep strong hun,