Blatant Attention Seeking!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aoeu, Feb 10, 2009.

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  1. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member


    I'm going to fucking kill myself and I am seeking some attention.

    That is all I am seeking. I trust this was sufficiently blatant.

    This is not going to be posted until the morning. I'm going to be asleep by then. By the time I am awake, the mods will have again gone offline, and anyone who might actually give me attention will have gone to sleep as well.

    Every night is crushingly lonely. I refuse any attempts people make at making me less lonely, because I'm fucking terrified of everyone.

    If one day this week I am awake during regular business hours, I will cancel my appointment at the epilepsy clinic. If not, I will simply not go, and I'll be billed $30 or $50 or $100, whatever they charge for missed appointments. I do not give a fuck. I am out of the medication that allows me to sleep and be a pleasant person. When the effects wear off, probably around Wednesday, my life will become immeasurably worse, both internally [since I'm an anxious mess when off it] and externally [since I become a nasty, nasty person]. I do not give a fuck. I still have a few weeks left of Zoloft, but I don't even know if I'm taking that anymore, due to my messed up sleep schedule. I do not give a fuck. I have no contact with any sort of medical professional who can provide me with refills, having quietly vanished from the psychiatric office, cancelled my appointments, and burned my bridges. I do not give a fuck. I want a job, but I'm too scared to get one. I wish I could say I do not give a fuck, but I have my eye on a particular one which I'd really, really like to have, but I'm too much of a pussy to get. I want to get back into gymnastics, but I'm too scared to return. Much the same as the job in that I honestly do give a fuck but am too much of a pussy to do anything about it.

    Evidently I still do give a fuck about people, 'cause I'm going to withhold from saying something really nasty to a forum member here, and also from cursing someone who is not a forum member and thus would never read it.

    Give me attention. Tell me I can talk to you anytime, insincerely as usual, and perhaps offer contact information which I'll never use. It won't make me feel any better. It won't make me any less lonely. Who cares.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey aoeu,
    You are wrong.. I read your threads all the time and there have been several members here who have reached out to you. Like you always say Life Sucks. You are not alone, there are members here who actually care about others. I for one have no friends in the real world, but that was my choice because I just don't do ppl. They always use me or make fun of me or talk about me. My daughter tells me I am too nice that I need to be more of a p***k and then ppl will be nicer.
    Sorry I am not like that because I care about ppl even though I hate myself. Being here on the forum has helped me to open up and try to make friends, which I have..My life will never change, but at least I try everyday. I hardly ever leave my bedroom because I am an isolationist. I live with my sister and hardly even talk to her. She tries by coming in my room and asking how I am doing, but all she ever gets out of me is yes or no. The rest of my family look down on me because they don't understand. My two nephews won't even talk to me.
    You need to get back in with either your doctor or a new one. Get back on your meds and get back in therapy. Sure it's not the life you want but you should take pride in yourself because you are at least trying. I hope some of this gets thru to you!!!~Joseph~
  3. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i also suffer from epilepsy and so know full well the trauma that goes along with it. for that very reason i cant take anti-depressants because they make the seizures worse

    when you wake up you will find you will have had replies to your thread, and threads from the past, because people do give a damn. people do want you to talk to them so that they can keep you from doing something rash. to keep you alive as it were. you are definitly not alone with your feelings as there are some people that do just want the attention. that are reaching out so blatantly for someone to keep them alive because they dont want to do it.

    all you have to do is let those people in. let them help you because you are so obviously in pain with your feelings that the only answer you can think of is to be blatant.

    im sorry if im sounding so harsh but you should be proud of yourself for the fact that you are trying.. that you are wanting the help. all i ask of you is that you dont cancel your appointments. that you stay on your meds. maybe if you do all that then that job you desire so much will be yours
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Good for you, this is a step in the right direction!

    But I'm concerned that you're missing appointments and not getting the refills of your meds. I'm sorry I don't know you better so I don't know why those are happening...bad experience with doc(s), finances, meds not working well enough, etc.? Perhaps you could rethink this and reschedule with the psychiatric office?

    Please take care of yourself. :smile:
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I post messages that I know will be rejected by the mods just so that I know someone will read them while not forcing me to take any sort of responsibility... But this time I've got this thread which people are replying to so I can't really pretend it never happened.

    I suppose the latter was a response to the former? I'm afraid I'm not wrong. Maybe I take up the wrong people on the offers, but usually I end up feeling stung.

    The doctor thing... ugh. I should never have mixed up therapy and medication. Therapy scares the crap out of me now. And my therapist was doing my medication. Also, I was doing both of those through the university I was at, but I have since dropped out, so it's actually not even an option if I wished to return.

    I'm not trying any more, though. I've not had any pride whatsoever for probably a month, and it had been flagging badly since last April. It hurts. I used to try, but it's too hard now. So I don't have my pride for trying. I don't have my pride for doing schoolwork, for making it to appointments, for getting exercise, for eating properly [as it stands, I swing from starvation to binging depending on how much effort there is to get food], for taking my meds, for GETTING OUT OF BED. Or seeking help. I'm not looking for help with this thread. I'm not trying to look after myself by posting all this. I just wanted to scream, but swearing at myself just isn't cutting it anymore.

    The epilepsy thing. I don't know if I can go through with this appointment... I think I could manage to make it. It's a bit earlier than I usually wake up [as it is at 3:30PM], but I suppose I could... But then the uncertainty is still there. Was it a seizure? I honestly have no idea what happened that night. I was unconscious for the relevant bits. I might have just had a fainting spell, and produced the rest in my mind. Hell, I had been talking to my brother about pseudoseizures not a week before, and reeeealllly wanted to hurt myself the night it did happen. I haven't had anything like that since... I don't want to deal with any of this.

    I don't want to deal with any more people. They just end up screwing me one way or another. I want to be left alone. But I don't want to be lonely. I can't handle any of this. Not anymore.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Aoeu,
    I'm glad to see you have calmed down. My words may have been harsh, but I was trying to piss you off so you would change the focus of your anger from yourself to me. I figured once you let go of it you would feel better!!!
    You are not a bad person you just have alot on your plate right now.. Thats why I want you to get back on your meds and see a new doctor. Even if you can never have the job you want you at least have us and we aren't going anywhere. I too would prefer working but I can't even leave my bedroom. Any job would have to pay better than the benefits I receive. Anytime you feel like your sinking PM me, I am on the forum all different times of the day and the night. If you need to vent feel free, I have big shoulders and can take it. See the doctor and get back on the meds please!!!~Joseph~
  7. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    ok.. the epilepsy part of all of this. how are you not going to know exactly what it is unless you go. there will always be that uncertainty as to what happened in your mind unless you get it confirmed. i know its daunting at the thought of it all but you'll never get the answers your looking for unless you go searching for them

    getting back on your meds, seeing your doctor and getting back to looking after yourself properly are what you really do need to do. i know its easy to think 'i can cope and live my life perfectly well without this little pill' but they were prescribed for a reason and im sure not just lightly either. someone gave a damn enough about you to prescribe you that drug in the first place.
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    There's nothing wrong with attention seeking! All of here need some attention! You're not alone in the way you feel. I've posted just for attention before and a lot of people have I think. PM me anytime... I'd tell you it's sincere, but maybe it would be tough for you to believe, but either way, the offer's open. Feel free to add me as well.
    :hug: :heart:
  9. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'll see what happens. The social failures and panic attacks hit me hard... I don't know that there's a point to continuing. Thanks for your replies. I'll see what happens.
  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I don't think I'm going to end up going to the epilepsy clinic. The stuff that had me even marginally hopeful fell to pieces, as always, and to top it off I've got nasty insomnia. I don't want to do anything except kill myself.

    However, I did find a prescription for the mirtazapine, so if I can get up the energy to walk the 50 feet from my building to the pharmacy, I'll be able to survive for a while. I suppose that's good, but I'm not going to be getting that energy.
  11. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'm missing the epilepsy clinic appointment as we speak, and I might not drop out of university in time to get a refund of fees... I'm quite the failure these days.
  12. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Oh my god! Today I did something good!

    I went to the pharmacy and both got my prescription filled and purchased toothpaste!

    That's so much progress I just might live!

    ...Sarcasm, of course.
  13. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Dropped out of everything. Who cares. I won't be taking care of myself anytime soon... I'm sorry for failing you all.
  14. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    You haven't failed us, but i do hear that you're scared we'll think that way of you. I am sorry that you have dropped out of university but i hope you were able to do this in time to get the fees back. Although it sounds really difficult for you at the moment maybe it's a good thing that you've dropped out - maybe you could take the time now to look after yourself and do what you need to get some help and support without the added stresses of university, essays and exams, etc. I hear you and am thinking of you x
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