I'm never happy; I never really have been and I have zero hope that I ever will be. I spend most of my time in solitude. Ive pushed away everybody; its been at least a year and a half since I've even said hello to a real person. I used to have a couple people in my life but theyre all gone forever now. They use to try to get me help; I always refused. Now I have nobody. I've tried getting help a few times after they left. But every single person I reached out to ignored me or encouraged me to kill myself. Its extremely hard for me to reach out but every once in awhile I do; only to be ignored which of course only makes me worse. I dont even know where to begin. Im suicidal, angry, extremely depressed 24/7/365, terrible thoughts race through my head, some Im okay with, some that make me want to blow my head off, I cant sleep, I abuse any drug or intoxicating substance I can find just to take the edge off which it barely does anymore, Im obsessed with amputating my leg, Im trying to find an easy way to do it without getting locked up, I have no family or friends, Im just as physically sick as I am emotionally and I dont do anything about that either, Im so discouraged. Im paranoid, I think I hallucinate sometimes, I hate EVERYTHING about myself and my life. There is nothing positive in my life what so ever. These are only a few of the things wrong with me, I could go on and on but Im already starting to think being a member here is a mistake and nothing will come of it. Sorry this is so long. I have to write a lot at once cause I dont really trust myself to keep going with anything. hmmm whatever.