Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Rewonbew, May 8, 2008.

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  1. Rewonbew

    Rewonbew New Member

    I don't know what to do anymore.

    I'm not happy with my life in the least... For a long while it feels like everything I touch just turns to crap.

    I was verbally, mentally and physically abused as a child by my mother. My parents put my sisters and I through a horrible, lengthy and hurtful divorce when I was 14.

    When I was 17, I joined the Army because of 9/11, feeling like I could do something honorable and heroic; like I could make myself and my family proud. I wanted to join as a linguist, but being young, skinny and inexperienced at life I allowed myself to be forced into an MOS I really didn't want: Driving tanks.

    Basic was tough but I got through it... But my family didn't show up for my graduation ceremony. I'm sure it's because they had a lot on their plate and little money, but this is was a milestone in their son's life. I feel like they could have tried harder but didn't care enough.

    I hated being a tanker. It didn't fit my personality at all and I hated the idea of being in a combat MOS... One where the primary goal is to kill others. I did everything I could to get out of that situation, and I finally convinced my 1SG and platoon SSG to give me an honorable discharge for "inability to adapt".

    My dad was way disappointed in me. I'd thrown away a chance at a great career, he said. It's always been a sore point in our relationship, although it doesn't come up much anymore.

    I've often felt that the future doesn't really hold much promise for me, so I've lived my life favoring situations that bring immediate happiness or entertainment. The idea of working hard my whole life so I can enjoy things when I'm 60 has never appealed to me. I'd rather enjoy things now and keep a constant momentum.

    In 2005 I met the greatest girl I've ever known. I used to think "love at first sight" was something people said to sound romantic, but it really happened. By pure luck I was able to date and eventually live with her for a couple years... But through mistakes largely made by myself she ended things.

    Family was super important to her, and she wanted me to be part of that. Me, being so enthusiastic about meeting someone like her wanted to make a great impression on her family... So much in fact that I let it scare me in to hardly ever meeting them at all. I felt like I wasn't good enough, despite the number of times she told me I was. I saw myself as some loser with a dead end job and no future... In her family's eyes, what business did I have being with their little girl?

    I drew inwards and the end result was a relationship deteriorating due to my own shame. I was dragging her down with me and that's a place she didn't want to go. I don't blame her.

    Toward the end of the relationship, I was offered a great new job. For once in a long, long time I felt like I could really be the guy she deserved. I began trying to get myself out of that year long rut but it was all too little too late. She left me in January.

    We've tried to stay friends... Whether that's a decision we both made or my hope that she'd change her mind someday forced it is unclear.

    She had told me that at this point, she wasn't ready for a relationship. That she needed space. She said that I had taken her away from her family and the things she loved... Which I fully understand. In my mind I kept telling myself that she still loves me, she just wants to get her life back... That someday she'd be ready for a relationship again with me.

    Last night I found out that she'd been dating this guy for a few weeks. That really cut me deep, because I would have thought she'd introduce the idea rather than waiting until things were involved and then dropping it on me like that.

    I told her how I feel and that I wanted a second chance. We talked for a few hours and in the end she said that she really wants to experience being with other people.

    It's something I understand, but it's not something I'm able to accept yet.

    For as long as I can remember, nothing in my life had made me truly happy until I met her. The idea that I'm to just move on and find someone else is scary as shit because I honestly feel that without her, I won't have a chance at being happy like I was for a long, long time.

    That's not something I want to experience.

    I want to love someone and to be loved in return. I want feel what it's like to be wanted by someone... Rather than feeling like I'm a burden on everyone I know.

    I feel like no matter what I do, I'm unable to find happiness or content anywhere. I'm an introvert and I don't make friends easily. Something like this girl coming along and lighting up my life is something that doesn't happen often, if at all.

    I've grown to despise my job. I'm in technical support and it's basically 8 hours a day of hearing people being pissed off at you. I really don't take any of it personally... They're really just mad that their phone or whatnot isn't working; it's just something I have come to hate doing.

    At this point, I've seriously been considering suicide. I truly feel as if I don't want to go through life being unhappy or like I lost something incredible.

    I know everyone will say that I have to move forward and life goes on, but that life isn't something I want to have to endure until I can find a way to be happy again. I wasn't happy in the 21 years leading up to this girl; I don't want to unhappy for the next 21 years after her.

    I've tried to immerse myself in various hobbies or projects. Video games, rocketry, web design, robotics... All things that interest me. It manages to keep me occupied for a while and then my reality rears it's ugly head again and I again realize how unhappy I am.

    The only thing that's prevented me from ending myself is the example I'd be setting for my sisters. I don't want my stepbrother to come home from work to find me hanging from the ceiling... I also don't want something to go horribly wrong and I end up paralyzed and in a wheel chair or something.

    I really feel like I've tried to do things to better my life... None of it's working though and I've grown real tired of failing so frequently.

    I just don't know what to do anymore.
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