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Cam R

Well, I'm new... Wonderful site you have here on first glance...

Anyway... I need somewhere to vent and to hopefully talk to some people about my issues... Sorry this will be long, but you have no idea how much some feedback or some advice would help me right now...Cause locking them away in my mind isn't doing a whole lot beyond push me closer and closer to killing myself. :dry: :laugh: :sad:

I have a long history of depression and mental illness... I was in a treatment program earlier this year in fact. And although I was mostly able to overcome my depression then, it has been creeping back into my life again and I know myself well enough to see that I'm not going to last much longer if something doesn't shift. What caused the relapse? A woman of course :awww:

I met her in the treatment program and as we talked more we became fast friends...We had ridiculous amounts in common and thought alike on almost everything (to the point that we could often read each others minds or predict exactly what the other was about to say) and soon we were best friends. Sooo... Long story shot, I fell in love with her. Only problem was she had a boyfriend... Crap. So for months I would stay in the best friend roll and hope that one day I would have a chance to be with her.

But of course the boyfriend was a colossal ass and mistreated her and I was always the one she turned to to talk about it...Once again, long story short, she broke up with him and on the same night I finally poured my heart out to her. Turns out she had feelings for me too and everything was grand for a whopping three days, the best 3 days of my life, before she decided she still loved Boyfriend A.

She told me that night, 'feel free to freak out on me'... But I didn't... I'm not the type of person to do that. I was the one getting my heart shattered with a 2X4 and for some bizarre reason I was the one doing the comforting :unsure: So I stepped aside... Went back to just being friends... At least on the face of it anyway... I pretended everything was ok, let her go back to him under the assumption that if it was meant to be it was meant to be... If she loved him and he was going to treat her better then what could I do?

Now, they're happily back together, and I'm alone... I'm no stranger to that feeling but slowly this whole thing has been dragging me back into the depression and suicidal thinking that nearly destroyed me a year ago.

I can't stop thinking about it... The time we spent together... My feelings for her... Etc etc... The memories taunt me...

Now logically if it were anyone else, I'd block it out from my memory... Never speak with her again. But I can't... I need her... She was the only one who ever managed to drag me back from demons in my mind. She remains my only friend (social anxiety for the loss :sad: ) and I can't imagine life without her.

But things are different now... She's moved on it seems and I'm still stuck in the past (4 weeks ago)... I long to chat with her, and yet when we do it always ends up feeling awkward... I know she loves and cares about me still but god, I don't know what to say to her anymore. And its destroying me... That combined with all sorts of issues with my family and the continued battle with the demons in my mind are just becoming too much to handle...

I'm cutting again and everynight I seem to find myself screaming into my pillow until I can drug myself to sleep... I work 5 days a week then I have 2 shitty days off then its back to work. I don't seem to have any reason to carry on living... All I have is anger and misery around me from my family (I was told by my mother that I'm a self-indulgent bastard last night when I tried to talk to her about this stuff :rolleyes: )... I want to be a photographer as a profession but more and more that dream seems to get further and further away... And that alone isn't motivation to keep me going... I need friends... A girlfriend... Support... Something...

She was what motivated me, and now she's gone :unsure: What do ya do when the only reason you have for living, the only thing you truly care about, walks out the door?
Hey there hun.

Well, it sounds like you've had a really crappy time.

First of all, I'd just like to say one thing:

PEOPLE SUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Hardly ANYONE understands mental illnesses, so try not to take what your mam says by heart (I know it's really hard).

As for the girl: I'm really sorry, I can tell you really cared about her. I think you might benefit from telling her how you feel. It's better than everything just being awkward everytime you speak to her, and it's better than keeping everything locked up inside. But then again, you know her and you know how she might react, so it's your call.

Is there any way you can go and get help again? Maybe just one-on-one with a psychologist this time? Also, have you ever considered any pills like prozac? I know people who've really benefitted from them.

I'm not sure what else to say, hun. You've been through a lot of pain and if you wanna talk any further, you can always PM me. Good luck with everything hun. Remember that you CAN get through depression, and you CAN feel better.

Most of all, remember that you have strength. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for help. You have strength.

Good luck. x
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