blissful blank

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Requiem, Apr 30, 2007.

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  1. Requiem

    Requiem New Member

    Hi I found this site today.

    I would seriously prefer not to post this but I thought oh why not since I am probably gonna end up dead anyway.

    I'm 18, male.

    I have researched the most suitable method of self termination. If I do attempt it will not fail. It will be swift and painless.

    It is said that depression is what causes suicide. True. I am depressed. But I am not letting the depression influence my thinking. My suicide is not without reason. It is the depression that inspired me to come up with a logic that is undeniable.

    I have nothing left to live for in this world. This world has nothing left to offer.

    I am different. That is all I could say about myself. I'm different. I am different. I don't understand why some people see it as a very hard concept to grasp. My perception of this world is different. I have no place in this society, and I do not have anything to give back to it. I am a sensible person, and as a sensible person, my act of committing suicide is logical. I hate being a burden.

    I am a sinner, but I never caused hardship to anyone. I'm probably going to hell. I don't get to choose who I am, it is chosen for me. I am thankful to God for giving me a life and I am sorry for being such a bad person. I am not saying I am a bad person because I see things negatively, I am saying it because I fit the definition of a bad person.

    I'm lonely. I know I am not the only lonely person in this world, but I just want to say that because I feel like saying it. If only you could feel how MY loneliness feels like. Then again who doesn't wish that they can share their version of loneliness. I never had any place to tell my problems, to tell what bothers me, to tell how I feel today. I want you to know that I understand this. No one wants to be lonely.

    I just wanted someone else to know about my story. I feel I deserve the chance to express myself just this once and not care what other people think.

    Right now, I am waiting for something to set me off, and that something will come soon enough. My departure shall be a silent vendetta against my sorry life.

    There is nothing wrong with the world but something is wrong with me. I blame no one. Some things are just meant to be. Suicide is inevitable. No matter how hard you may try to stop it, it will still be done. There are those who have nothing left to lose, and those who are willing to give up everything. They are not you and you are not them. You cannot explain what the color blue looks like to a blind man.
     
  2. "You cannot explain what the color blue looks like to a blind man"...but you can to someone who can see. And you can see. You say you are a bad person, but such adjectives are not set in stones. You are only 18, this is a key moment in your life. This is a time for experience, interaction, and change. With time you can change, the world has so much to offer but you act as the blind man We are here for you, I am here for you
     
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You know what I find fascinating.

    "I'm lonely. I know I am not the only lonely person in this world, but I just want to say that because I feel like saying it. If only you could feel how MY loneliness feels like. Then again who doesn't wish that they can share their version of loneliness. I never had any place to tell my problems, to tell what bothers me, to tell how I feel today. I want you to know that I understand this. No one wants to be lonely."

    You say your a bad person but even in your dispair of wanting to be heard you still set aside thought for others.

    When you said the depression doesnt affect your thinking, you can never ever be sure of that. I've been studying my own depression and others for a while now and I can just about tell what it feels like. But when i'm down there in the dumps I can't feel any difference. As far as i'm concerned it's me thinking. And you know what. I've come to the conclusion it is me thinking, and always is. But I know from experience and study that depression isnt thinking, it's chemical, and can cause us to feel low. And naturally whenever we feel low we will think the worst, hate ourselves, even want to end our wretched existence. If were low to often then it affects us too much, and also increases the depression, or instigates it.

    I'm glad you came on here, it shows theres an inkling of hope in you to live. What you must do now is talk more and more to people. I'm only guessing but there must be an event or series of events that made you feel this way in the first place. Even if it is something as simple as thinking about life and death just a little to much. This is a perfect place to talk, so take advantage.
    You've got a chance to be heard and to let people know a little of how you feel for a change. Taking your life now will steal that chance forever.
     
  4. life

    life Well-Known Member

  5. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    wow....well you found the right place bro....read the other posts and I know you can defiently relate...thats one step at not being lonley.....please man live to at least 23 to figure out if you really want to end it.....you haven't experience college and college is a time to revaluate yourself and your identity...you might come out of this man...its worth a shot...what do you have to lose? Have faith
     
  6. Requiem

    Requiem New Member

    Sooner or later I will have to face this feeling again. I refuse to confront it; not because I am scared to but because I choose not to.

    I am tired.

    Events you say? Yes I know of many. I had a rough childhood. My mind is not the same as others. Let's just say I had some mental problems. It think of things others do not. None of my family members are aware of this. Thankfully this no longer bothers me. How I am able to suppress this I do not know. Further research reveals that my condition was an epitome of a radically distinctive intellect.

    But one thing that really set me off on my quest for absolute desolation was the fact that my university was not what I expected it to be. It's an art university. But to call it an art university to me is an oxymoron. They don't know the meaning of art.

    They do not accept my ideas. I don't wish to force my ideas however their denial of what art is truly defined by embitters me to no end. This of course is practiced only by the university lecturers. It is my belief that art is considered successful if it appeals to many, but in this case they fail to see this and limit the quality of an artwork to the confines of their interpretation. I speak of these things with no ego; it is an objective analysis. However elsewhere, my art is accepted. Therefore, this inevitably caused me to halt my education there.

    I guess this is why my country never gets recognized for the art that is made there. This of course is merely my opinion.

    My family does not understand this. Nor does anyone I know closely. My parents invested a lot of money on me, in hope that I can return the favor in the future. I have disappointed a lot of people, including myself. For me to continue living will be an utterly painful and unbearable disgrace to me and my family. This act of self termination shall save at least a bit of my honor.

    Another thing that I must add, is that I am destined to live alone. Alone in the sense that I will never have a mate. That time of blissful kinship has long past; she is gone now and I vowed that I will never find another her till eternity's end. I cannot imagine breaking that vow. I am not a man should I ever break that vow.

    I have long considered acting on my suicidal temptations. I have been comforted by the fact that I have the power to end it all. Now I must make a decision. The choice is as clear as it can ever be.

    Hence I linger on, waiting for the opportune moment, the decisive strike against myself and all that I stand for. I know that it is most sad, for one who is in such an age, to think of such things.
     
  7. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    Too much pirates of the caribbean.
     
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