blocked everything out and now it's hitting me *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lifeflyingby, Dec 31, 2011.

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  1. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    I just figured out I was raped by my father. Repeatedly over many years. Didn't remember anything until Christmas day this year. And now it feels like life is turned upside down. I was at home for the holidays and something triggered the memories. And I couldn't leave until the next day. Ever since I've felt so ashamed. I don't know how to talk about things. I've always been someone that everyone else goes to and I don't know what to do. I tried talking to a friend and she said "yeah but it's over right?". Real helpful. I don't get close to many people. I have friends, but none that I lean on. And I don't know how to deal with this. I'm a mess and I can't stop making this hurt. I don't have a T and don't really know how I'd start by saying "hi I was molested" which is probably what I need to do. Can't imagine telling anyone face to face. And New Years is bringing back a flood of feelings of things that happened and I'm just lost.
    Ahhh hell, why am I bothering to try to get this out. What's the point anymore?
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    Well done letting us know what is going on...I think you can find a T that is understanding of what you have gone through. From how I interpreted your posts, it seems like you could use some assistance in dealing with these overwhelming memories...Setting up an appointment could accelerate the healing process starting now...I know that you are going through a frightening period of life, and I'm so sorry this is happening. Take gentle care of yourself. :hug:

    Alex
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2011
  3. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    I am going to look for a T...it's getting through tonihgt alone that I'm trying to figure out. The nightmares and memories are horrible right now. I know I need help from a T, none were around that seemed appropriate over the last week because of the holidays. I just don't know how to get through the nights until I do. I don't know if I can and that scares the hell out of me.
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Might it help to write things down? Get them out of your head and onto paper. Not sure whether this technique works in your situation but thought I would mention it.

    Hope you can get through this awful period and get a helpful T. Please use this forum for help if you need to.
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    How brave to remember this...it seems we only take on things when we can deal with them...another way to look at this experience is that you are strong enough to process it...as we learn more about ourselves, we have to adjust our lives to what we know...sounds like it is your turn to be comforted...maybe, that might mean finding other people, ones who are better equipped to be there for you...and yes, finding someone who can guide you through these traumatic experiences sounds wise
     
  6. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    i feel so pathetic right now. so alone. tried talking to another friend who just said "maybe your imagining it...your dad has always been so great are you sure?". Yes I'm sure. Yes it happened. It's not imagined. I know it shouldn't affect me like this. I know I should try to put the past in perspective and move on, but I only remembered alot of it a week ago. I keep having flashbacks. I keep getting the sick taste in my mouth. I'm so ashamed. Why didn't I ever tell? If I had, it wouldn't have continued so it's my fault. I just want to die. It would be so much better if I was gone. No one would ever notice or care so why not? Why am I even bothering to write this? Nobody here knows me. Why would anyone here care either. To just be gone. over. no pain. I realize that you aren't supposed to get more than you can handle but if I'm strong enough, then somebody forgot to tell me that. I can't fake being ok. I can't do it. I want to die.
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are not pathetic.
    Please, try to hold on until you can see a therapist. A T will help you with your memories.

    We would notice, and we do care though we do not yet know you.
    You cannot fake it, you should not have to. Please keep posting your feelings.
     
  8. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    i'm trying to hang on. i've got calls in to therapists but the waiting lists are long and it could be a while. and right now, not sure i'll make it through the day let alone a month. how did i not know this? how could i have just shut this out? and how could my mom have let it go on? i mean I know my childhood was rough but didn't know about anything sexual. and now i just feel dirty. i keep having showers to try and make it go away and nothing is working. i'm at the end of my rope and just have to make it stop. and my friends that i tried to talk to...i didn't give them details or anything. just said that i remembered that there was sexual abuse and was having a rough time. didn't use the word suicidal or even try to dump anything on them. i just needed someone to say i'm sorry that happened or something. i don't know what i needed but it wasn't he's such a nice guy.
    i just don't know how to get through the next 5 minutes let alone the next month. things have been bad lately outside of this. i got laid off just before christmas, and my car broke down and things are tough right now. and i've handled all of it. but this on top of it just feels like too much. just the last straw. i just feel so alone. and am sitting in this apartment and all i can think of is how to make the pain stop.
     
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Can you write things down? Get it out of your mind?
    You shut it out probably because you had to. To survive you closed it off.

    You are not dirty, have you had other partners since? When you feel physically dirty can you think of them? Overlay the bad memories with more pleasant ones?
    I am sorry it happened. I know that means nothing but no-one should have to go through that.
     
  10. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    I've tried to write it out. some of it anyways. i haven't had any partners since. always thought that was weird...to be scared of that. now i know why.
    it does mean something. i'm just at the end of my rope. I'm um not sure i can make it through the night. i've tried to make it logical and think positive that i'll find a T and deal with this but it just hurts so much I don't know if i can deal with it anymore
     
  11. northstar

    northstar Active Member

    hey there. i just found your thread and see your most recent post here.
    can you please hang in there? I want to write to you, as someone who was assaulted and abused before. my father was one of those people.
    i feel your pain, i share it with you right now. i want you to know you're not alone
    i know it hurts <3 this hurts, but please know i am here with you in spirit. you are in my thoughts and i hope that you decide to hold on. because this pain doesn't have to take our lives away. *hugs* please come into the chat room or send me a private message if you want to talk. i am here for you, ok?
     
  12. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    thank you. i just don't know what to say. thinking i should be alone tonight. don't want to dump this on anyone else. the pain already has taken my life right now. jsut trying to figure out if it is inside or outside or both that is destroyed.
     
  13. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear lifeflyingby,

    When I am down, I even tell myself that I am "dumping" things on others, and it can make me feel awful...but, like you said above, there's a need sometimes to let things out and have someone listen....I think you are right on the mark with that one, as having someone to be a confidant and friend is cathartic for me as well....and in your case, this is extremely serious that you are suffering through these intense memories....I am often surprised by how caring and supportive others can be....anyways, I think the fact that you are trying your best to get a hold of professionals is something to be proud of....I am at a low for words, but I want you to know that I am here to listen and am thinking of you...take care and stay safe.

    Alex
     
  14. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    this is hard but things inside are getting harder.. the reason i remembered things...was that christmas night he did it again. i won't ever go back there but trying to deal wiht it and failing miserably. someone...please help me.
     
  15. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You need to go to police if you can, or a rape crisis centre.
    This is not your fault, you are a victim, please remember that.
     
  16. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    i can't. can't report it. i wish i could. i'm sorry. i shouldn't have talked about this. i'm so sorry.
     
  17. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    No you should talk about this. I understand if you do not wish to report it, but talk about it here. Do not let it fester.
     
  18. Lizzy95

    Lizzy95 Member

    I just recently started to remember something that happened more than 10 years ago, I don't know how I remembered it but I suddenly remember bits of it. I'm so sorry to hear you have gone through something so terrible. I think you should get a therapist, I didn't even have to tell my therapist. I told him I had something to say but wasn't sure if I physically could and I started bawling and all I could say is it happened a long time ago, I blocked it out for years and I didn't know how to say it and he knew. He asked, were you sexually abused? And from there he said the details weren't important. Since then I've been relieved greatly off the memories and feelings.
     
  19. That one guy

    That one guy Member

    Theres no reason to feel guilty for dumping this here.
    what happened to you never should have happened and i wish i could do more then just listen and talk. >.<
    Finding a Good T can really help with this. Group therapy might also help too.

    Please feel better soon! *hugs*
     
  20. lifeflyingby

    lifeflyingby Member

    just reported my dad. figured if i didn't make it through the night at least he won't hurt anyone else. i'm alone and i'm a wreck. so scared. what have i done? what if he finds out? spent 3 1/2 hours talking and they want the rest of what happened to me tomorrow. too much. what have i done? i shouldn't have told.
     
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