Blurting out...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by herbides, Jun 17, 2010.

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  1. herbides

    herbides Active Member

    I've never posted here before. I had weird moment today and I think I need to talk about it.

    While I was chopping potatoes for tonight's dinner, I got the sudden urge to cut myself with the butcher knife I was using. It wasn't a rational thing. I wasn't thinking about anything. I just wanted to cut my wrist. I've never had the urge to hurt myself before. I wasn't frightened--and that bothers me A LOT. I should be worried, right?

    We live in a 10th story apartment. I spend time every day out on the veranda watching the ships go by. It is a long enough drop with pavement below. No matter how beautiful the view is from the veranda, whenever I go out there I think about dying.

    I wish there was some kind of barometer to help me figure out how serious this is. I've been in depressions before and from what I remember, they were way worse than what I'm going through now. I remember feeling like I'm being buried alive or like I was a hollow shell and when people would talk to me, their words would shoot right through me like flaming arrows. But no matter how miserable I was back then, I never seriously thought about suicide.

    But right now I'm not really hurting or distressed. I just feel disconnected and distant from everything. The thought just keeps occurring to me: I could kill myself. I could die. I could be dead.

    I recognize that I need help. I really want help. But I also don't want anyone around me to know what I'm feeling. The idea of people feeling sorry for me embarrasses and annoys me. I think I might feel better if I cried, but I'm not even sure how to be sad right now.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey are you doing okay?
    Sounds like you do need some support and help with these feelings that are arising ...can you talk to your doctor? I think it is great that you are taking a thoughtful look at your feelings/emotions and are willing to work through them, many hide away but you are strong.
    I am around if you need to talk and we are all here to support you so please keep posting :arms:
    Take care and hope to see you around,
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I have felt like this before too. It is hard to say what brings it on. Has anything major happened in your life? Stress from work or at home? Maybe you are just really tired. Sometimes when I am exhausted I think like that. It seems very distant and out of place.

    :hug: you came to the right place to talk hun. I hope w can help you.
  4. herbides

    herbides Active Member

    Bambi & Forgotten_Man:

    Thank you for reading my post and replying. I really do feel validated and supported and I very much appreciate it. (T_T )

    I'm living in a foreign country right now, and I don't have access to counseling or psychiatric help (at least I don't know of any English-speaking doctors.) I guess when I really think about it, there is a lot of things in my life right now that could be described as stressful. I haven't thought about it that way.

    Maybe my brain or body or heart or whatever is trying to get me to wake up and pay attention. I've decided that I need to start dealing with these feelings instead of trying to ignore them.
  5. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Good, you're right to listen to these feelings. Do you want to talk about the stressful things?
  6. herbides

    herbides Active Member

    I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. There are a lot of positive things happening in my life right now. (Some bad things too.) I guess even good things can be kinda stressful when I think about it. I guess the best thing to do is just start a list...

    I guess the most important thing is the one that's hardest to talk about: My mother passed away almost two years ago from Leukemia. It was only 6 months from the time she got sick to the time she passed away. Through her illness, I was working really heard on my degree, working a full time job and living almost 300 miles away. I only found time to visit her once or twice a month. I regret that I didn't take more time off to be with her when she was suffering.

    Almost at the same time that my mother was diagnosed, I was told that I would be getting a scholarship to study in Japan, all expenses paid the following school year. When I told my Mom about it in the hospital, she said that she was really proud of me. I felt that the best thing I could do is jump in with both feet and do the best I can so she would have more reason to be proud of me. (Looking back I wonder if that wasn't just selfish reasoning.) She even told me that she wanted me to go to Japan, even with her being sick, so I accepted the scholarship.

    Mom passed away two weeks before I was scheduled to fly to Japan. Even though she didn't say anything to any of us about it, there are a lot of reasons to believe that Mom chose exactly the time and manner of her passing. At the time she was actually going into remission after chemo and everyone thought it would be okay to leave her home alone. When my Dad got home from work that evening, she was gone. When we started going through things and preparing for the funeral, we found letters to each of us among her things.

    I think that she chose that time because she didn't want me to worrying about her when I was away.

    During that year, it was like I put my heart in a box. I didn't deal with anything, I just studied my ass off. I didn't even tell anyone that my mom had passed away. It wasn't until I came home after a year that it all hit me. It felt like I was stepping off the plain into a black and white movie. It's common to experience depression after coming back from studying abroad but added to that, going home, nothing in the house had been changed except that Mom wasn't there anymore.

    I just kinda curled up into a ball and wallowed for about three months. I was overwhelmed with this feeling of not wanting to be there. I didn't want to be in that house. I didn't want to be in Washington. I didn't want to be stateside. I just didn't want to BE.

    That's definitely when I got so numb. I guess I realized then that I was suicidal. I kept thinking to myself that if I could just get back to Japan, then I'd be okay. If I could just get into grad school then I'd have a purpose again and I'd be okay. My feelings have started to come back, but I don't think I feel things as...vividly as I used to.

    I'm living in Japan right now, which is a good thing. There isn't anywhere else in the world I want to be right now. I love where I'm at. But it is a little lonely. Being a "gaijin" (foreigner) in Japan is a little bit like putting on a panda suit and wearing it 24/7.

    While I was a student up north I didn't have any problem making friends and I never had reason to feel that the people around me mistrusted or disliked me. But now I'm living in Kanagawa-ken, where there are several American military bases and installations. When people see that you are American they automatically assume that you're connected with the military somehow, and they treat you like you're dangerous or else they assume you're too stupid to understand Japanese. The only thing I hate more than hanging out with military wives is being mistaken for one. (I'm sorry if that offends anyone. Its just that people from the base tend to have bad attitudes and are incredibly rude to the Japanese and to anyone who isn't from the base.)

    Children in the neighborhood actually point and laugh at me. I just point and laugh right back and we get along fine, but still that kind of thing wouldn't happen at all in Sapporo. In the store today a kid about 10 years old or so saw me, ran over to hide behind his mother while shouting "Mama, mama there's a person from another country!" (Gaikoku no hito). She just shrugged him off but he still looked terrified. So I said "Me? I'm a Japanese. No matter how you look at me I'm a Japanese!" (Boku? Boku ga nihonjin da yo. Doko miru mo nihonjin da yo.) in a goofy accent until he laughed. That was probably the longest and most rewarding social interaction I've had with someone in the past month.

    I have always been afraid of becoming a recluse. My grandmother was a shut-in who hardly ever left her house in the entire time I've been alive. She lived in a dark cave-like house that was completely stuffed with old tv guides, romance novels and vitamin bottles. She would sit all day long, watching game shows and chain-smoking Pal Mal cigarettes. She seemed to be completely disconnected from everything around her, sitting there in a haze of cigarette smoke and doing absolutely nothing. I've never been very good at deciding what I want, but even as a small child, I remember thinking that the one thing I didn't want was to live like that.

    Unfortunately, recently my life has started to resemble hers to an alarming degree (sans Pal Mals.) I'm supposed to be studying for my University Entrance exams this fall, but whenever I sit down to study or read, I loose my motivation almost instantly and end up staring out the window or watching NHK instead. It takes me hours to build up the momentum to go out of the apartment to do even basic things like grocery shopping.

    I have already been accepted into my first choice university and graduate program, which is really awesome, but I'm worried about a series of exams I have to take in August. The exam is just to access my knowledge level in my major and my language ability. I would be shocked if any of the other incoming students have studied as much as I have, but still whenever I think about it, I start to frantically spin my wheels and accomplish nothing. I guess I'm worried about making a good impression on the faculty.

    Also, the University I'll be going to is in Hawaii. That means I go through all the gyrations of relocating. It makes me exhausted to even think about it. Also, I'll be leaving my Dad in Japan (he's working in Yokosuka). I know he's a fully capable adult, but I worry about him quite a bit. He hasn't learned any Japanese at all, not even enough to pay his bills. It's also becoming harder to ignore the fact that he's turning into an old guy. He falls asleep in trains. His hearing is starting to go. When he buys things, he has this habit of holding out his wallet and looking helpless until the clerk takes it from him and counts out his money for him. He's adorable and he gets along fine, but I worry. When I go to Hawaii, I'll be alone and he'll be alone. I have to be there before August 12th--the anniversary of mom's death.

    I'm turning thirty. I never thought I would be the kind of person who would get stressed out about that, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe it comes from living in a country where an un-married woman past the age of 26 is called a "stray dog" or "stale Christmas cake." Even though foreigner have a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to cultural norms the message is still prevalent: you're weird. There's something wrong with you. Women my age are married and raising children. The only exception is if you have a career.

    Which I don't. It's been impossible to get a job over here. Even though I know I'm returning to school in the fall, it really challenges my sense of self-worth to be unemployed. I know with the economy the way it is right now, there are a lot of people who are going through same thing.

    Recently my high school class had it's ten year reunion. I wasn't able to attend because I was studying here in Japan at the time. (Which is exactly how I wanted it to be because I really really didn't want to go.) But one result is that everyone I knew in high school has connected on facebook and now I get a daily news feed of their lives. I don't hate these people, but I also don't feel like they are my friends either. Its stunning that people who used to make my life a living hell are sending me fruit trees in farmville and angel requests. I know it sounds stupid, but whenever I think about updating my status, I so anxious and can't bring myself to write anything at all, let alone something that is actually personal. This thing has become my porthole for communicating with almost every important person who has ever been in my life and I'm too intimidated to say anything to anyone. It's very alienating. Especially right now when I really feel like I need friends. I wonder if I posted some of what I've been thinking about, if anyone would actually react.

    Between the idleness, being broke, stress about school, dependence on my family, loneliness and social anxiety it's almost like I've regressed to being an angsty 15 year old again. No matter how much I want to push forward and live an interesting life, I feel like I've been knocked back to the starting line again.

    Even when I add up everything that's bothering me it still doesn't add up. I think the good things in my life balance out the bad pretty well. I don't understand why I think about dying so much.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Not fair I want to live in Japan. :lol!: sorry my jealousy seeps out. I know it is a hard country to live in.

    Anyway :roll: complaining helps a lot. It helps us understand what is going on and it helps you sort your thoughts. I can say from personal experience that being successful does not always bring happiness. :confused: I never really understood that. I hope things calm down for you soon. :hug:
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi, Herbides. I might be wrong, but it sounds as though you are having intrusive thoughts. People with obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd) get that, though yours seem o be occasional. When one is under stress one is prone to that kind of thing happening. It can frightening, though usually harmless, because people with OCD don't usually act on their thoughts. There is an ocd thread on this forum if you look for it, it will give information on intrusive thoughts hopefully.
    You don't sound as though you have ocd but you may have repressed things inside you that is causing unwanted intrusive thoughts
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