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Body and Hair dysmorphia

TW: ED and dysmorphia
Hi everyone. After the past 19 years of my life, I feel like I needed an outlet to explain myself and why I feel the way I do; especially one where I can do so without being told to stop complaining and think positive. I’ve always been fairly small but kept weight on, and I developed an eating disorder in 8th grade. I won’t get into too many details bc it’s too much to explain, but I had anorexia and bulimia, and in about 4 years I lost 3/4 of my hair and became very sick looking. Then, I decided to try and recover on my own bc Moore than my body, my hair began making me feel disgusted and depressed. I gained weight but kept my bulimia. Some of my hair grew back but not in the way I wanted, and I just gained more weight. Now I am at a healthy weight and absolutely despise my body. My hair has been falling out so much and it’s so thin and lump and disgusting. I have bald patches and want to cry every time I wash my hair and more comes out. It’s so bad that I don’t want to show my face on days I don’t wash my hair bc it looks so thin and disgusting. I look like a cancer patient, but in my head I look fat too. This has taken so much of a toll on my confidence. I see other girls with thick flowing hair And tall skinny bodies and I want it so so badly. I would safracfuce anyhting to have thick hair and not have the bald patches j have right now. I feel gross in anything I wear both because of my body and my hair. I can’t go back to my ED bc I’ll lose even more hair and my metabolism is so slow now. I keep gaining weight and losing hair. Anytime I see anyone the first thing I look at is how much hair they have. I hate myself so much and know I can never be with anyone bc they’d be disgusted by me. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could just die

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