I guess some people would say that I have nothing to complain about. I'm skinny. My skin is pretty good at the moment. I'm tall. I guess I'm good looking. I get compliments from people all the time. But these past few months I have come to really hate the way that I look sometimes. Part of it is because my ex boyfriend raped and abused me verbally and that has left me pretty shell shocked as a result. He told me he wanted me to do all these things to myself to "improve myself". He wanted me to get a boob job. But I'm a c cup and almost a d in some bras. He wanted to fake tan myself because I have pale skin and he said it made me look like I was a dead person. But I don't want to fake tan myself because I'll look silly and I've tried it and I really do look silly. He wanted me to get hair extentions because my hair is cut into a medium length a-line bob at the moment. He wanted me to go the gym as well and start working out as he thought I was too fat even though you can see my collar bone sticking out. And no I am not anorexic. I have always been like that since I was a little girl. I have always maintained a healthy weight of about 55kg and I am 172cm tall. I eat like a horse, my mum tells me all the time. So why do I feel so ugly all the time? Because the media is telling me all the time that I need to be curvy. I have curves. I have a butt. Apparently that's not good enough and I need to go get plastic surgery. I feel so ashamed of my body all the time. I feel like a child. I can't talk to other girls about any of this because they don't understand why I feel so bad about my body. I want so badly to be curvier than I am. I don't feel sexy at all. I wear baggy clothes to cover up the fact that I'm not good enough. I don't feel like a woman at all. I feel like this disproportunate alien from another planet. I don't understand how anyone could ever love me when I look like this. I'm 19 years old but feel like a 90 year old. I tried to combat the situation by over eating and eating really unhealthy food to try and put on weight. All it did was push my cholestrol up and make me have break outs. I didn't gain any weight. I was trying to over eat as well and put on weight because I didn't want to look attractive after being raped. I have this huge inner conflict all the time and people have no idea and they say mean and horrible things all the time. I'm crying so much when I am typing this so none of this probably makes any sense. I guess I'm stuck looking like a twig forever. So I've been trying to accept myself and the fact that somehow I am attractive. It's hard though. I'm having a panic attack right now because I have an exam tomorrow and there will be these girls there who always make fun of me because I am so skinny. They make me hate myself so much and I wish I was curvier like they were. But I'm not.