Boiling Point

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DannyBoi, Feb 18, 2011.

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  1. DannyBoi

    DannyBoi Well-Known Member

    Never thought I'd post on here but I'm very lonely and have no one to talk to anymore. Seems all I do is cause people misery and pain. I'm just an awful, awful person. Seems my feelings and moods do not matter, and only hurt people. /sigh. I'm sure if anyone here even knew me they'd hate my guts, and I'm sure they do after what's been said about me on here.

    Why would anyone care about an arsehole? Who would listen to an arsehole? An arseholes feelings don't matter do they? Surely they don't deserve any empathy, sympathy, attention, love, or even understanding, not for their actions.

    I'm a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason. But some just don't accept the reason. Or sometimes the reason isn't good enough.

    There are reasons why I do what I do. I don't like them, and niether do I like what I do.

    Left my group of friends this week. Need a break from the madness. Two are active on these forums. I gather that they insult me continously.

    Can't take it anymore. Their behaviour makes me feel so, so bad. Smoking, drinking, weed, self harm, violent sex, stealing etc. Wouldn't mind if it didn't trigger my anxiety, panic attacks, inferiority and general sense of worthlessness.

    I'm sure they don't understand, don't see why they should either, or anyone for that matter. Like I say, why should anyone care about an arsehole?

    Smoking and weed makes me feel like shit. That feeling where you have done nothing and likely never to do anything interesting or worthwhile with your life. Being a square, being boring, uninteresting. Can't bring myself to take part, even when smashed out of my head I can't do it. So basically I'm just going to feel worthless and boring for as long as I shall live.

    Speaking in terms of sex, I'm genophobic apparently. I have an irrational fear of sex and anything sexual. I don't know why, though maybe its related to self esteem issues and the fact that I look like a horses arse. Any thought of sex or friends involved makes me feel like shit (again). Triggers my anxiety, makes me have lots of panic attacks and once again that I will never do anything interesting with my life. I mean come on, the most basic animal instinct, and it freaks me the fuck out. Especially weird considering it happens everyday. I'm tormented everyday by it. Never leaves me alone. Makes me feel unimaginably inadequate.

    Not so sure why the self harm gets to me. Though I have my theories. Contrary to what many people believe and have believed about me, I can't stand the sight of blood, at least my own anyway. Makes me passout, after going to the doctors several times for blood samples and so forth. Don't like the idea of cutting or hurting things too also despite my somewhat psychotic and bitter personality. Though I'm more or less suicidal 90% of the time I can't bring myself to self harm physically. I'm just a total xxx. So basically I'm trapped in a shell of pain and suffering 24/7, with no real release.

    Stealing of all things violates my moral code, which tbf is fucked up anyway. In a sense I think it stems from my inadequacy. Why should I work so hard for something while someone else does nothing and gets it for free? Makes my efforts totally worthless.

    I'm 100% certain I haven't explained myself well enough and in as much detail, but you get the drift.

    So yeah, left the group for a break to get my thoughts together and so forth. Hasn't gone down too well at all. I'm an outcast now and lonely. No one to talk to. No one to care.

    Why should anyone care really? Like I say I'm an arsehole. I mean joking about a friend having a miscarriage isnt the nicest thing to say to anyone is it? The reason why isn't good enough so its not even worth mentioning. Neither is blackmailing someone into getting help from the doctor, or changing their behaviour. But is it really blackmail in that case? If someone can't handle being around someone (as described above ^), is it too much to ask what they care about most? Is that too selfish? Suppose so given the current circumstances.

    I'm just a horrible person. I try to help, at least in my own way. More so physically than mentally considering I'm terrible at dealing with people considerng I've got Social Anxiety, depression, and highly correlatative with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I try to help, buying meals and paying for cinema tickets for example, all free of charge and without asking for repayment. That sounds really bad considering current circumstances. I mean whats a few dinky little meals or movies worth compared to the emotion support that others give? They probably dislike me alot now and laughing their arses off at this, if they don't already, and I don't blame them, or anyone who reads this for hating me.

    Apparently even deleting them from facebook as their statuses trigger my anxiety, panic attacks, inferiority and all that good stuff is laughable. And in context means that in reality they do not care. But why should they when I've done far worse and not cared? Can't help my brain chemistry though. I've only started being emotionally sensitive and caring since I started taking AD's, which must at least prove that its a physical disability? Otherwise the drugs would do nothing.

    I just cause problems, and apparently not trustworthy at all with anything. So lonely and isolated. Even before any problems started I felt lonely. Virtually nothing at all in common with any of the people I hang around with. Outcast. So self esteem goes southwards again. I've got nothing to offer. So why am I even here? I can't give anyone anything worthwhile. I struggle even talking to people on a friends level. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now.

    I do bad things. And now I'm alone emotionally. Is that deserving? When does the mental trauma end? When others say so? My friend said she forgave me for my miscarriage joke but I know in truth thats not the case. As soon as something goes wrong it'll be back to haunt me and so others can gain some sort of moral superiority over me. There to use against me when the moment is right. Which right now, it is. So yeah, I assume the mental and emotional suffering is deserved. Don't even feel like I deserve any help from anyone here, though I assume this post is melodramatic to others reading it. But not to me. And surely the same can be said for others posts too. Their world is their reality.

    Now that I've acknowledged this divine truth. What do I do? =\ (Other than going to the doctors ofc, thats a given, but otherwise I'm totally lost.)

    *(Yes, VERY melodramatic and attention whoring =S )*
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2011
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Im not condoning the things you said. Many I'm sorry to hear you partake in. But EVERYONE deserves to atleast be heard when their very being is licking the bottom of the barrel. So please keep posting. I dont know how much anyone here will be able to give you any real help, but we do listen. And we do offer any help we can. But just being able to get it out and see it before your own eyes, and knowing that others that understand the pain are reading it too, well, it makes a little bit of a difference as to how you see yourself and others. So keep posting :arms:
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    maybe you could apologize to your friend that had the miscarriage. maybe she is someone that you can connect with
     
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