Borderline Personality is a vicious cycle.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lbiter94, Oct 11, 2013.

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  1. lbiter94

    lbiter94 New Member

    I'm on here because like most sufferers of Mental Illness I feel better when I talk about it.
    Lately my Bpd has been worsening and it's affecting my life. I find that I use alcohol for three reasons: to self medicate -as I find no treatment the nhs have offered me to be of Amy use- as a form of self abuse and also so I have some form of excuse for my behavior, my bpd manifests in a way that sometimes I just blame being drunk. But I would engage on such behaviors like phoning exboyfriends,' sexual promiscuity and outbursts of rage sober.
    in recent weeks I feel I have been spiraling out of control after my latest breakup -bpds find it difficult to be alone- and no one really knows why. I come across as being a bit drunk and wild but really I have no control over my behavior when my condition is playing up.
    mostly it's the guilt and shame that comes after my performances. When I can't move or eat because I can remember things I had done or said. Then the paranoia, the sensation that every one is talking and laughing and hating. Thats when suicide enters my mind everything becomes a potential method, every roof or car that passes. However I have never attempted suicide. I don't thinkI want to die I want people to notice how unwell I am and help, if not help at least forgive me for the Times I've abused them or broke down or tried to chat them up.
    anyway I'm getting worse and worse I can't move from my bed and I haven't eaten in a couple of days. When I do leave the house I've usually had a few drinks beforehand and my self harm has changed from being something I did when I was desperately unhappy to a regular thing. I do it more than once a day, whenever I have a free minute.
    I hate my life I don't think I will ever be sane.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the difficult position position you are in currently and the negative effects it is having on your life. Seems there are two major themes around here, the UK and other Universal health countries where there are simply insufficient services and treatment options made available, and the US where the programs may be available but are unaffordable to many.

    It may be worthwhile to look into DBT therapy. It has had much better results than the older standard of CBT for both borderline and oppositional defiance type disorders and for PTSD. While medications are not really effective in most cases for BPD, there are medications that can help with rage that accompanies it so often. It will of course all depend on what NHS is willing to offer or have available but it is possible if you ask for specifics they may be more helpful. I am sure you already know that the "self- medication" is far less self medication and more of a common symptom of BPD (drug and alcohol abuse) , but that is another issue.

    I hope you are able to get help there and find support here. Thank you for posting.
  3. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    You seem like you're a nice person at heart. Yes Bpd is a hard diagnosis, it can be very hard to maintain relationships, and deal with day-day life.

    It can be easy to turn to bad behaviors/addictions. But it's not a very healthy coping skill. I'm not too sure of medication, but therapy may be helpful.

    It's not an easy thing to cope with, but, you're not alone. If you feel it may help, you have the choice to share with someone you are close to. Some people will respond bad, some will be supportive.

    It tends to get easier with age. My father had huge improvements towards the end, so it can improve.

    Keep posting,
    Hope you can get through this cycle, and find some support friend.
  4. Itiswhatitis

    Itiswhatitis Active Member

    I relate to you in so many more ways than I could even list. I don't have the energy to properly reply at the moment because I'm currently in a downward spiral myself, but I wanted to tell you that I get you, and you are not alone.
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