I'm on here because like most sufferers of Mental Illness I feel better when I talk about it. Lately my Bpd has been worsening and it's affecting my life. I find that I use alcohol for three reasons: to self medicate -as I find no treatment the nhs have offered me to be of Amy use- as a form of self abuse and also so I have some form of excuse for my behavior, my bpd manifests in a way that sometimes I just blame being drunk. But I would engage on such behaviors like phoning exboyfriends,' sexual promiscuity and outbursts of rage sober. in recent weeks I feel I have been spiraling out of control after my latest breakup -bpds find it difficult to be alone- and no one really knows why. I come across as being a bit drunk and wild but really I have no control over my behavior when my condition is playing up. mostly it's the guilt and shame that comes after my performances. When I can't move or eat because I can remember things I had done or said. Then the paranoia, the sensation that every one is talking and laughing and hating. Thats when suicide enters my mind everything becomes a potential method, every roof or car that passes. However I have never attempted suicide. I don't thinkI want to die I want people to notice how unwell I am and help, if not help at least forgive me for the Times I've abused them or broke down or tried to chat them up. anyway I'm getting worse and worse I can't move from my bed and I haven't eaten in a couple of days. When I do leave the house I've usually had a few drinks beforehand and my self harm has changed from being something I did when I was desperately unhappy to a regular thing. I do it more than once a day, whenever I have a free minute. I hate my life I don't think I will ever be sane.