Bored with Life... why bother?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 0db, Aug 18, 2006.

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  1. 0db

    0db Guest

    I’m new to the forum; in fact I registered about 5 minutes ago.
    I’m sorry if this is in the wrong forum, it just seemed to fit so many, if it is a problem please tell me so, moderators I’m sorry to have wasted your time if you have to move this.

    This sentence serves as my disclaimer, I'm in sort of a predicament right now and my feelings are at their worst. I need to talk about this but I can only do so anonymously, my rant may include a "trigger". If it does please, please PM me and we can chat.

    Perhaps before we get too far into the mess of things currently known as my life I should provide the readers at home with a little bit of background. As can see in my profile I am 17, I live with my parents and everyone seems so happy (ignorance is bliss, if only I could go back to that eh?). that right there makes things rather hard, I CANT talk to my parents about this, I actually don’t feel comfortable typing this (I'm on the verge of tears, I suspect I will overcome that barrier once I get to writing). I live in a rather rich county; every household makes good money and is upper-middle or high class. Both my parents are very successful, they work very little but have put themselves in a position to make a lot of money. We live pretty peacefully, we never fight, never argue, in fact we co-exist rather nicely. Everything seems so perfect... but its not. Its not and I'm the only one that can see it, the only one capable of understanding why.

    Going back a little further, I spend all of my time in my room, sometimes I come out for meals, usually I don’t. My parents think nothing of me spending this much time alone. I wake up and for the hour or so I see them a day everything is ok, we are around each other, everyone’s quiet, we all feign smiles and then I retire to my room. They have no idea my depression.

    For the last 4 years or so, pretty much my whole high school carrier thus far, I've been depressed. Not "blue" not "sad" depressed and very much so non-stop for 4 years now. I’m suffering from horrible insomnia, sleeping anywhere from 1-4 hours a night when I sleep. I’m sure this sleep debt doesn’t help my depression any either. I lie awake at night trying to sleep wishing I could just die of an embolism or something freak and unexpected so my parents would grieve less.

    I've though about suicide before, I've actually tried several times, failing one time after another. My parents, doctor, friends and teachers are none the wiser. They’ve no idea how depressed I am they write it of as lethargy from the insomnia.

    I've (unfortunately) dabbled in SI. I have rather deep cuts down both my thighs, and random cuts all over my arms and legs. In a *very* embarrassing physical recently I was put between a rock and a hard place (or as fate had it a locked door and an annoyingly inquisitive physician). I was unable to explain them but after some pleading she agreed to keep it under wraps and not inform my parents or school. Of course this came after I refused to take their depression questionnaire which they included in the paperwork for me to fill out along with a urine sample.
    I’m sure anyone reading this feels that thus far all of this has been trivial at best, that my whole dilemma has been a silly rant. I’m sorry that you feel that way I'm sorry for wasting your time, you're free to leave. For those who will venture on into my rant, thank you. Without further delay I present more background as to my distorted and grim view towards this thing known as perception and self-awareness. When I was 14 I was strongly encouraged (forced) to join the local fire dept. I soon found that while most people loved calls dealing with fire my personal favorites were MVA's. As cruel as it was I enjoyed seeing the car crashed. While most were rather lame every once in a while there would be a car that suddenly met a tree at 40 mph. I was unable to do anything more than watch. I will admit as much as I enjoyed seeing physics at its best the gruesome scenes bothered me. We had a particularly bad one that was toned out rather lightly. Unbeknownst to the dispatcher, and therefore everyone responding it was a decapitation. That scene stuck with me, and gave me nightmares for a good week following. However I developed a sort of apathy toward it all, and in turn an apathy toward life itself. Bodies, death, blood, and grieving no longer bothered me in the least. When I was 16 I got my EMT and started riding with the ambulance which further exacerbated this outlook. At the age of 17 I've seen some thing's that I shouldn't have, I've seen people in the darkest of times, I knew first hand of deaths leering eye.

    But thus far my rant has focused on my past, the precursors to the god-awful situation I'm in presently. As silly as it seems this rant focuses not on my past, for I cannot change those events which have occurred, rather it focuses on the present. Namely the last week: tensions have been growing tighter between me and my parents, at first I suspected that they had grown wise to my darkest of secrets but I’m now I know that fear was in vain. My depression will remain a skeleton for now, rather it collages that my parents have been trying to talk to me about, and it seems that going into my senior year everyone else wants to hear about to (including that benevolently malicious physician). I've picked my major and my school, seen the campus and completed the entire entourage expected of me. And yet people are attacking me about it, everyone wants to talk about it (as if this isn’t hard enough going into senior year). To complement this heightened tension my grandparents have dropped and are staying with us. This brings a radical change to what’s expected of me: I am now forced to entertain my family by sitting with them at meals. They put me on the defensive by attacking my solitude, my refusal to eat (I’m not hungry when they eat) further emphasizes their 'concern'. Because my usual rounds include cleaning the house whenever the parents aren’t around they choose once again to attack me, acting as though it’s amazing that I can prepare my own meal, grocery shop and clean! Today has been the worst yet though it has definitely been a bad day; in fact its macabre deserves its own paragraph.
  2. 0db

    0db Guest

    well because my post was too big I have to put the rest here:

    First and foremost my parents have accepted my insomnia (and its resulting caffeine addiction) my grandparents have not yet come to terms with this. The past two weeks have been particularly stressful for me (lots of dentist and doctor visits) and as a result my insomnia has been pretty bad. Last night I crashed, amazingly I fell asleep at 4 am and probably would have slept to noon (I NEVER SLEEP THAT LONG!) however my grandparents decided that at 8:00 it was time for me to get up. I got up reluctantly and for a good hour refused to acknowledge the waking world, rather sitting in an insomnia-induced dreamscape (the state between sleep and being awake). Now this is easily solved, a redbull from the fridge and a couple of cups of coffee and I'm off. My grandparents objected to this, apparently is unsavory for a teenager to be drinking redbull, coffee is outright. Then the next topic came up, drugs. I had to explain in a respectfully civil manner why I was lethargic, why my faced was flushed, and the recessed eyes. They attacked like harpies, asking whether I'd been on drugs, insisting that I must be on them now. It took two hours to get the message through to them that "we are a high class town, are drug rates are low" I assured them that I was not on pot, crack, and that I was not boozing. . Now this conversation was indeed stressful but it was nothing compared to what followed. Now that I had been awake for three hours I once again retired to my room. This wasn't to be tolerated by my grandparents, the demandingly insisted that I stay out there with them. I listened to them rant for a while mostly zoning out. I explained to them that I needed to continue cleaning and they sat and watched, trying to talk to me. Making comments here and there, once I finished my cleaning I set out to prepare dinner. It’s not that hard to make a dinner but apparently as a teenager I'm incompetent and its "amazing" that I could handle cooking something! Dinner itself was hell though. I’m what many consider to be a geek, I have everything from tesla coils to marshmallow cannons and piles of gutted this and that’s in my room. Personally I prefer computers to people but no one else seems to appreciate the lonely embrace they can provide. Regardless because I’m usually building something I don’t have much time for anything else, this includes the high school staple, a "girl friend". (Warning personal views follow, please take no offense) I’m not what many call an ignorant person, after asking for the final exam the first week in last year for all my technology classes (and then acing them) I soon dropped them all in favor of independent studies. I’m not ignorant and I surround myself with reasonable, intelligent people. I’m sorry for you girls out there but a guy is usually better at some things. Now I don’t think I’m gay or anything, nor do I object to that sort of thing but I've never really felt an attraction towards anyone (or anything for that matter). There are a few that hang out in the group but... I don’t know. That whole scene is way too confusing for me. Regardless, due to my history of girlfriends (well, lack there of) I was attacked at dinner today. they started asking "If I was a Fag", as if this wasn’t enough my parents then eagerly jumped into this conversation at which point I simply excused myself and apologized for ruining their dinner talk.

    I've pretty much been locked in my room since, my parents have had the decency to leave me alone and I suspect that they have restrained my grandparents (who are very adamantly anti-gay, anti-interracial).

    Simply put, I am very upset abut this. The thoughts of suicide are very prevalent and are dominating my thoughts currently. All I can do is ask myself why? Why is it worth living, what makes life so good? They say that these are the best days of my life, if this is the case what make s it worth living and getting older? When moving becomes painful, and time has led you to decrepitude. I've seen this more than most; I've seen young people taken in what most define as the pinnacle of their lives. I've seen it all, I almost feel there is no ore to see. Why should I continue on and live through that, to waste all the resources I consume daily and then leave this planet? My actions have killed people and saved people, here at 17, and in the grand scheme the loss of life or the saving of life wont amount to anything. So tell me why live? It’s as if I’m bored with life, apathetic to everything. Why shouldn’t I kill myself? So far the only thing preventing it has been to spare my parents the grieving; I don’t want a school of people whom I hate to grieve for me. Why can’t suicide be more accepted rather than the taboo it is? Maybe its just me the the bright future I keep being told about seems to be nothing more than a gilded sack of crap that they're pawning off onto me as gold.

    For those that took the time to read this I almost didnt post it, thank you. If you’d like to comment on anything feel free. I feel so much better now that I’ve written something down that people can read.
  3. Maja

    Maja Member

    Wow! Thanks so much for sharing your story. How are you feeling after getting that all off your chest? It sounds to me like you've really gone through a lot in your life but I get the sense that you have been able to be very insightful about the things that have happened. You have a very mature outlook. I hope that just writing that all down was helpful to you in some way. Telling your whole story can be very cathartic at times.

    Take care!
    Maja :smile:
  4. 0db

    0db Guest

    as hard as it was to finally post this I'm very glad I did. I feel more releived right now than I have been in... well lets just say I havent been like this for a while.
  5. SMPX06

    SMPX06 Member

    Great post, really enjoyed reading it. Although I'm 27 now we have some similarities because when I was your age I lived at home with my mother and spent ALL day upstairs in my room obsessed with the (premitive) internet and I only came down for mealtimes. My eyes would be glazed from looking at my computer screen in darkness all day...sometimes I wouldn't even leave the house all week. You seem to have a bit more independence than that though.

    I kept up a pretence with my mother that I was alright. I wasn't of course and she was so stupid she never wanted to know the truth. But maybe I didn't want to tell her the truth, because really, she wouldn't have been able to help me.

    Your grandparents sound like arrogant arseholes. Although I'm British and haven't been to the States, they seem to fit a stereotype of ignorant conservative people who can't really understand society as it is today. Fortunately the society in the UK is far more liberal, your grandparents wouldn't get away with that attitude over here.

    I think what's frustrating for you is that you're too well brought up to tell them to fuck off, and you just sort of have to sit there and listen to their crap and be respectful, because that's what's expected of you.

    You've also experienced death through watching other people die. I think most people here that have planned and attempted suicide also have an appreciation of death too...which is why I think people often go back to trying suicide again and again. Personally, I don't see what the problem is either. Loads of people die every day, it won't make much of a difference if we CHOOSE our death, rather than letting it happen like everyone else?

    I think if I was you I'd wait a few years. I found that eventually after I left home the problems I faced as a teenager living with my mother disappeared. I am now responsible for myself and I have an "arms length" relationship with my mother. She, by the way, thought I was gay too.

    Actually she probably still thinks I am! I find it difficult meeting people and I've never been close to a girl. Maybe you'll do better, I've got other problems to deal with which makes it real hard for me.

    I think, if you choose to give yourself a few more years, that you'll find some of the pressures you are currently facing will disappear. I think the sooner you leave home the better you will find your life.

  6. God, I wish I could too! Due to crap circumstances, I still live at home with my mother. I am 26. It kills me just a little bit more each day, but I cannot afford to not live with her yet.
  7. ShadyMalingerer

    ShadyMalingerer Active Member

    I'm exactly the same. I live with my family and I'm nearly 25. I know there's no way I would be able to move because of the price of flats, for the forseeable future. It gets very depressing. Thank you for sharing, all you guys.
  8. angel_is_dead

    angel_is_dead Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel, I feel exactly the same as you and Im 3 years younger. My family know about my self harm, and how I feel. so Im on 24/7 suicide watch. its hell. pm me if you want
  9. deathdomepart

    deathdomepart Active Member

    i think for you talking is the best thing you just dont seem to have anyone to talk to if it helps you can pm me any time.

    charlotte xxxx
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