I've been lower than low, but I never crossed the line of actually hurting people intentionally. I dont do bad things but it doesnt mean I dont think about it, or even secretly wish bad things upon people. Specifically people who are oozing with beauty and virtue and will never know the adversity and anguish people who suffer from mental disorders face. My heart has been crushed into a million pieces. About as many as my broken mind. And still being stomped on constantly, as if there was anything left. When your in this state, advice doesn't really translate well. Its like someone reading Russian to you. I can't understand how to apply alot of the advice given. My issues are obviously deeper than my outward appearance. But Im deeply affected by everything I see in the mirror. Its almost impossible for me to accept what I see. Because frankly, noone else has. I don't think how I look on the outside is a reflection of my soul. I dont believe I have a ugly soul. Lost soul, maybe. My outside doesn't compliment the inside. Rendering my inside basically useless in this world. All my intelligence, charisma, humor, and compassion is never really discovered because its buried under a immensely ugly, unattractive, unloveable man. I don't know or understand how people want me to deal with or accept being lonely. Am I suppose to just, accept never being able to share my life with someone because of the way I was born? If I die because of this, it will be mostly because I couldnt take having a heart so big and not being able to use it. I get patronized alot with people telling me to buy a animal or pet. I guess because I look like a animal. I should be with my own species. Lack of love and a severe lack of self-worth is my problem. Love isnt external. If it was just external Id go buy it. Love to me is, well, everything. Unless your heart is cold and black, you will feel the pain and suffering from the huge void loneliness leaves inside you. It seems so much like an essential nutrient to our way of life. And yes, being without it creates unspeakable envy and misery in me. I wouldn't have any problem accepting who I am if the world didnt make such a big deal out of it. I cant run from it, I cant hide from it, its everywhere, in every corner of this earth. Its the dark part of human nature. I can accept something that I cant change, especially if there is no substance behind having it. I cant accept something in life that tells me I cant live, experience or have something that is next to our own God given rights and is so special and meaningful, that those experiences are in essence bigger than life itself. Thats basically compromising with happiness and quality of life because I was born with the face of a troll and should have low expectations in my aspirations or dating. So is it wrong for the ugliest person in the world(me), to think he should have every right to have just as good of a life as the most beautiful person? People that tell me to accept things are basically telling me to give up my rights, because im ugly. If I had a choice between being handsome, average or ugly. Id choose average. I think everyone should just be average. One of Gods mistakes was distinguishing between beauty and ugliness. Oh by the way, I envy the average just as much as the beautiful. Im not vain nor shallow, just someone who has been abused and made to feel inferior all because of the way I look and the color of my skin. I do not believe I would have went through even half of what I have if I looked different, or normal. I know the deep issue that is within me is that I was born with a condition mentally. But it was only amplified through mental and physical abuse. I do think about suicide alot. Its almost comforting. When the smoke and flames become to unbearable, theres always that window you can jump out of. I look at what a person can give me internally. Love, companionship, strength, meaning, children, a family, responsibility, someone to depend on, someone to grow old with, someone to face the world with and all of its challenges. Life to me is easier when you dont have to do everything alone. And dont have to wake up alone on Christmas and New Years. Being tormented by christmas songs and watching people and families celebrate. People celebrating their youth and beauty. Dancing throughout the nights, cheerfully, because they won the gene lottery and can be accepted, easily loved and desired. Whenever you see someone physically attractive, people always say that person have so much to live for and so much goign for them, even without knowing a thing about them. Im 28. I know what I want. The only flow of my life is chasing something that may never be within my reach. I agree life can be pointless. No the future is not goign to be what I envision it to be. I hope its better. Why not? Why does everything have to be looked at from the bottom of the glass. Why cant things ever be better than even we imagine. Why does life have to be so predictable. If the present wasnt so empty i wouldnt intensely focus and drive myself crazy over tomorrow. When you want something so bad, its either I get it or I die, there is no middle gound, no acceptance, no compromising, no contentment. I had a friend shoot herself back in semptember in her parents closet. I dont fault her. I miss her so badly though. Her death has affected me alot. But I understand why she did what she did. I have no choice because I dont know what it feels like to be her. She was the most bipolar person I ever seen. She was also a very very beautiful woman inside and out. She was 20. Mature beyond her years, compassionate about animals and the enviroment. A veggitarian. If I didnt know better, I would have thought she was a angel. She always told me to hold on and never give up. And she did exactly what she preached to me and her friends. Although I have a hard time seeing her as giving up. I think she held on to the edge as long as she could. I think most people who make that ultimate personal decision, more or less fall from the edge, not jump. She wanted to save herself from further persecution and perhaps a life of making bad decisions because of her inability to make sound decisions cos of her condition. She coudlnt work, got pregnant to the wrong guy, and had a miscarriage. She shot herself 3 weeks after the miscarriage. I think committing suicide would be a very sound decision for me. It would make sense in my case because I dont believe I can progress in this type of world. Maybe another world where people arent killing, stealing, and abusing each other for money, sex and power. And a place where the beautiful did not own the earth. I would save myself many years of misery. Id be free again. I feel entitled to have a oppurtunity at a good life. I dont give a crap how ugly I am. But it doesnt matter if I can never find my place in this life, I will just move on to the next. This world is not worth suffering this much for. This life isnt worth living. Lifes not that precious. Go ask the people in Africa. This world isnt that great of a place. Im sorry God. But at least im honest. There is no pill for ugliness, and loneliness. So i guess im screwed right? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe ill reach that loophole and defy all odds. Maybe not. I know I have probably a narrow mind and a heavy heart. My outlook is heavily skewed by a childhood full of abuse, and a adulthood filled with misery. i dont blame the world for hating me. If only i was normal and accepted, I could have offered alot to alot of people. This heart used to harbor a enormous amount of compassion. Now there is only one thing that I look forward to seeing in my generation. That no matter how beautiful you are and were, no matter how much happiness and success you acheieved in life or how rich you were and what you accomplished, we all die. The worms and maggets will all dine on our flesh without discrimination or care for what we looked like before. And we will all look the same underneath the earth.