Bottom of the ocean

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lost in translation, Feb 5, 2013.

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  1. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Well here goes my first post! Been looking around and finally decided to share my experiance with so called life. The first 25 yrs of my life flew by and was full of great times and memories (although some I wish I could foget) so things were good! Now flash forward the last 5 yrs Have been a downward spiral! I have been at the same job for 8 yrs and have been fortunate to earn a great wage. That's we're my problems started, I ended up not having a concept of money and would spend and buy whatever the f#*k I wanted without even thinking bout the future, See I always felt ugly despite what others would say and felt like I was making up for it by purchasing anything and everything! Work was always first and i felt if i could make more money i would be happier which is not the case at all! And then when I finally found a great women who loved me for who I was and what i looked like, I let my metal state ruin everything and drove her away! I often wonder why I didn't seek help at the time and if i did maybe I could have prevented our breakup. Worst part is she is good friends with my best friends wife so every time I visit them I'm reminded of the one I lost, if that makes sense. I used to hang out there all the time and now I can barely stand a 20 min visit and I know they suspect something's wrong but I never discuss my problems with them and am in the process of losing there friendship and my best friend. There not gonna understand anyway just like those who ask "why aren't you married yet your a good looking man" I just don't buy it and feel like I'm a waste of space and skin. It's gotten worse over the last year to the point I barely go out anymore unless its for the necessities, and can barely function at my job. I have only two friends left both of which don't understand my problems so it's almost impossible to share my thoughts with them. Now it's come to the point were I'm scared to look at anyone in the face and feel like ill never have a relationship or meaningful life. Now I spend my days it seems researching methods to end my pain. I know this is not healthy but I can't seem to stop the thoughts of ending it and leaving this life behind. Basically became scared of everyone around me and feel there's only one way out of this misery. If only I could go back in time a few years, but hey can't do that and I'm sure we've all wished for it, you know a chance to make things right again! Thanks for reading as this was just a small taste of what put me in this state and what I'm going through at the moment.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2013
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Lost in Translation...welcome...I am sure you will find many people here who can relate to what you have written. Have you sought counseling or such to see if you can put things back on track? Sometimes, when we are in the middle of our own Hell, we cannot see a way out...another pair of skillful eyes may be required. Just a thought...welcome again
     
  3. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Thanks sadeyes, apprieciate the welcome. I actually made an appointment with a psyc this week to see what can come of it. Although I'm already apprehensive about it
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    That is very brave and wise of you...maybe write a list of what you want to talk about and/or copy a post which describes how you feel in case you cannot adequately talk...remember, more than half of life is just showing up...best of luck at that appointment, and please let me know how that goes
     
  5. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Will do sadeyes thanks for the advice! I'm a little nervous but ill get through it and post my thoughts on the appointment! Guess I just turned to this site to talk and possibly make friends with people who understand or have faced the same lows as I am feeling. Anybody out there wanting to talk drop me a message! :)
     
  6. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Adding to my post....as the title says "bottom of the ocean" and that's how I feel sometimes. I'm at the bottom looking up at everyone, yet I can't join in or hear whats being said. Everything becomes a blur and I drift away..........life can suck sometimes, more often then not it seems.
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey Lost in translation. Glad you are here. I hope you can find some good support and community here. Many people have :) I am so glad you made an apt with a psych. Sure that's freighting. But I totally think its the wise thing to do. Gotta interrupt that downward spiral. And you are doing the very thing that can make that happen. It takes a strong person to want to do something about their circumstances. So you rock !! Healing is a journey. But the rewards can be huge. When is the apt with the psych scheduled for? Glad you found this community.
     
  8. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Hi flowers! Thank you for the kind words, really appreciate it! :) my appointment is for thurs, so it's only a day away! I'm trying my best to get passed these feelings and after a lot of procrastinating I decided to go! Well see what happens, time will tell, and I'm happy I found this place as well, seems like a good outlet for me at the moment.
     
  9. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Well in a bid to swim to the surface I had my first psyc appointment today. It went well I guess was nervous and apprehensive at first, but managed to get past it and relax which helped me open up a bit. Not sure if this is something ill continue, but I have another appoint next week so I'm gonna stick with it for now. I used to be against sharing my feelings and thoughts but am slowly opening up to the idea. I battle with the thought that they wont get what im trying to say. Although I did feel somewhat of a relief after releasing my emotions so time will tell. Thanks for reading everyone and I hope things are lookin up for ya :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2013
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am glad it went well. I hope you will continue. counselling is a process. Recovering is a process. It takes time and work. But the end result can be that people become stronger than ever. While gaining a wisdom that never could have been achieved any other way. But it is a process. I deeply hope you will continue on this path.
     
  11. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Thanks again flowers for the kind words. That's what I'm starting to realize I guess, the fact that it takes time to work and is a process. I just feel that I'm at the bottom of the ocean and I need to swim to the surface before I run out of air. I need to understand patience and recognize that time can heal, it's just everyday seems to be different, some good some bad. This site has been a great help though, and everyone I've came across has been really helpful and caring in there own way, whether its sharing there experiences or just listening, and you can't put a price on that! So on with another day to see what challenges await me. Again I hope things are looking up for everyone today! :)
     
  12. darkclouds

    darkclouds New Member

    Nice to read that you found some help here,gives me hope too.
     
  13. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    You know darkclouds, I would have never thought joining here and sharing my thoughts and emotions would give me such insight and comfort. Knowing that I'm not alone or the only one going through this helps tremendously. It's still a struggle for me at the moment and I know it's not gonna change over night. Guess im slowly gettin a little more fight back in me which is good. I wish ya the best darkclouds and hope you find what you need here! I know me as well as a lot of others are always here if you need to talk. Tc :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2013
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Translation, somehow when I read your first post I could feel that you were not meant to stay at the bottom of the ocean. There was something in your words, and it continues to be there, that lets me know you will come out of this. With work and dedication. But I can really feel that you will do it. And you will have gained a wisdom, insight and strength that could not have been attained if you had not ended up at the bottom of the ocean, so to speak. So if I was a betting woman, I would put a lot of money on your personal resources to work, in partnership with a counseller, to reclaim what you lost, and more.
     
  15. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    So here I am again continuing to add thoughts to my post. I actually felt like I was making some movement, like I was actually going to make it to the surface....... Then the perils of life strike and I sink back down to the bottom. When I can keep my mind occupied I can forgo the feelings of depression and seem to manage ok, but the minute I stop the feelings return. I'm just gonna chalk this up as a bad day and try again tomorrow. That's what I find myself doing all the time now, judging the day according to how I feel at that moment. I understand how getting better works, just can be real difficult at times to implement.
     
  16. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes it really can be so difficult when the thoughts come in. You are very smart. And you seem to be open to seeing your own process. So as hard as it is, I think you are going to come out on the surface of this. Just will be a journey.

    The metaphor of the ocean reminds me of an old book titled "illusions" by Richard Bach. He describes something going with the current of the water and how difficult it is to get tossed and tured and scraped and bruised by the rocks etc at the bottom. But in the end it all works out the absolute best. It has been decades since I read the book. But I think that's essentially what that particular part of the book talks about.
     
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