Well here goes my first post! Been looking around and finally decided to share my experiance with so called life. The first 25 yrs of my life flew by and was full of great times and memories (although some I wish I could foget) so things were good! Now flash forward the last 5 yrs Have been a downward spiral! I have been at the same job for 8 yrs and have been fortunate to earn a great wage. That's we're my problems started, I ended up not having a concept of money and would spend and buy whatever the f#*k I wanted without even thinking bout the future, See I always felt ugly despite what others would say and felt like I was making up for it by purchasing anything and everything! Work was always first and i felt if i could make more money i would be happier which is not the case at all! And then when I finally found a great women who loved me for who I was and what i looked like, I let my metal state ruin everything and drove her away! I often wonder why I didn't seek help at the time and if i did maybe I could have prevented our breakup. Worst part is she is good friends with my best friends wife so every time I visit them I'm reminded of the one I lost, if that makes sense. I used to hang out there all the time and now I can barely stand a 20 min visit and I know they suspect something's wrong but I never discuss my problems with them and am in the process of losing there friendship and my best friend. There not gonna understand anyway just like those who ask "why aren't you married yet your a good looking man" I just don't buy it and feel like I'm a waste of space and skin. It's gotten worse over the last year to the point I barely go out anymore unless its for the necessities, and can barely function at my job. I have only two friends left both of which don't understand my problems so it's almost impossible to share my thoughts with them. Now it's come to the point were I'm scared to look at anyone in the face and feel like ill never have a relationship or meaningful life. Now I spend my days it seems researching methods to end my pain. I know this is not healthy but I can't seem to stop the thoughts of ending it and leaving this life behind. Basically became scared of everyone around me and feel there's only one way out of this misery. If only I could go back in time a few years, but hey can't do that and I'm sure we've all wished for it, you know a chance to make things right again! Thanks for reading as this was just a small taste of what put me in this state and what I'm going through at the moment.