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bought a ***

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by laylasmom1, Nov 11, 2010.

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  1. laylasmom1

    laylasmom1 New Member

    oddly, after leaving my first day of partial inpatient hospitalization (they let you go home at night), I went and xxx. I was very clear with the salesmen about wanting one that would leave an intruder dead on the floor - couldn't say, of course, that I wanted to be sure I would be the one dead.

    I never thought I'd take this step - the xxx was NOT cheap and my hospitalization is going to cost me THOUSANDS of dollars - so why continue when I really do have a tool to kill myself now.

    My biggest fear - well, two - is how I'll be remembered and worry that xxxx and not die and have to be cared for by my mother until I die for real.

    It's weird, because I feel... calm. Almost safer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2010
  2. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Re: bought a gun

    Hi and welcome to SF:smile:

    I have felt that calm and safe feeling knowing i have my tools at hand.
    I hope you dont do it. Do you want to talk about what has gotten you to this point?
    Please take care:hug:
  3. laylasmom1

    laylasmom1 New Member

    Re: bought a gun

    I dunno.... why does anyone get here? Feelings of despair, hopelessness, worthlessness, feeling alone, without any support. It was really weird though, because I'm NOT a gun person - I actually hate guns, but from my research, it seemed xxxx.

    I'm putting things in order - I don't want to leave any more of a mess than I have to - I've written my obituary, just finished that ubiquitous photo slide show that seems to be a part of most funerals (found the perfect Donny Hathaway song too - I think he committed suicide too), written my suicide letter (not an angry one, just explaining that my depression was a terminal illness), thought about the place (not in my house, maybe a motel somewhere?), but promised my family (yes, they know I'm suicidal but you wouldn't know it by how they have reacted/responded) that I wouldn't do it this calendar year.

    I think things will get better for me. And then, they'll get worse again. It's the rollercoaster that I'm ending. I'm sure it sounds crazy to other people, but honestly, it seems like a very rational choice. It's not the only choice, to be sure, but it is a choice.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2010
  4. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Re: bought a gun

    I'm sorry your not getting any support from your family, the people you need the most.
    Are you on any meds or in therapy of any kind?
    I know it seems a rational choice right now but what about tomorrow? Next week? Or even next month?
    Please don't give up, you deserve to live.
  5. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    Re: bought a gun


    I know how hopeless it can feel when things seem to improve, only to lapse again. All we can do is continue to try, for ourselves and the people who love us.

    I know it is easier said then done, but try to hang on for a bit longer. Keep looking for a form of therapy that works, or other people who have faced the same problems you're facing.

    Also, I'm sorry your family hasn't been responsive. In my case, when I tell my parents they can become a bit overbearing, and then I feel terrible about it afterwards. This is a hard thing to approach from the inside and out, and its not always clear to loved ones what the best course of action is. Please take care of yourself, go outside and take a walk if you can convince yourself to, and listen to Dvorak Slavonic Dance No. 1: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2amTjF_mkM>
    Ella Fitzgerald: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-65ze5P9wGI>

    Both of them almost always help me feel better, if only a little.
  6. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    Re: bought a gun

    I'm not very good at giving advice on why not to kill yourself to be honest. I click on reply to threads that people have made and can't think of any reasons, or any half decent words to type to the person who is so desperate.
    So I just leave it and go back a page. But, all I can say is don't do it. With life you have a chance to make things different. With death you will never have a chance to mend the hearts you broke. I hope this rollercoaster life for you stops, and your family start to support you the way they should be doing.
    Don't give up yet, as cheesy as I sound I really don't know what else to say this is how I feel and I hope you take your xxx back and delete your slideshow. xxx
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2010
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Re: bought a gun

    I'm quite stunned at how easily you were able to buy this weapon. Can people seriously walk out of a hospital and go and buy a gun there? Aren't there any kinds of laws to prevent that?
    Do you know how to use one? I can barely get the batteries the right way around in my digital camera. I certainly wouldn't know how to load bullets.

    As for your two biggest fears - yes, theres a good chance both of those could happen. Probably a bigger chance than you realise.
    Don't do this, find someone to talk to instead.
  8. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Re: bought a gun

    Perhaps you can use the calmness and safe feelings that the item brings in order to help you think through your issues and get the help you need.

    Like I was find it easier to not smoke when I've got cigarettes, knowing I could have one whenever I want. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
  9. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Re: bought a gun

    my support is not very good today. Can't think, don't feel well, but wanted to offer some suggestions to you.

    I have same method and have lost several to same method :sad:

    I understand the calm of having it in hand. Fondling it, practicing, holding it in place, etc etc. I understand.

    Please understand, i don't want you to do this and would prefer to see you here talking to folks. If you get to the point where you find yourself spending too much time with it, holding it, and you are feeling intense emotions or unusual calmness(or numb) while holding it...please, prior to taking any actions with it, please, can you promise (or promise to try) to come here? I would like you to come to the site and post in the crisis or suicide forum how you are feeling and the thoughts going through your head. Also restate your method so folks know this is serious. Then be patient and give folks a chance to respond, yes? Perhaps you could do that for you, for us, and for those family /friends who love and care about you?

    Okay, now for my suggestion. Having one makes it easy to make a mistake. A mistake could leave you paralyzed, brain dead, brain damaged, or with full brain function while-partially paralyzed-and missing 1/2 your face. I don't think you desire that? It could leave you trapped inside your body, yet still feeling suicidal/miserable. If you are feeling intense emotion, it's easy to react, to just use it without putting proper thought into it. It's just too easy to grab. If you are not in your right mind, in control of your body and thoughts, you can easily make a mistake.

    My suggestions;
    Don't yet purchase the bullets (i refer to this as "feed" as the word *bullet*may be a trigger for someone)- the time it takes to go purchase them, may give you time to reconsider and calm yourself. Also, you are less likely to take this action at night, if you have to purchase "feed". Night is a difficult time for many, would be far better imho, to seek support here at night, instead of reaching for the ultimate comfort.

    Oh, and remember, the advice they gave you was for an intruder at a distance, not for close...If not done properly, how do i explain, let's put it this way, you need to do your research there are many factors to consider...sorry :sad:

    I know it can be comforting handling the actual tool or i would suggest putting it in an inconvenient place, one that requires you to use effort to get too(for me involves a hefty climb, pulling my body weight up, agility, and then some) - a place where, if you were drugged, drunk, or not feeling well, it would take you great effort to retrieve the item. If the effort would take at least fifteen to twenty minutes when you are in your Right mind, this would be good. This gives you time to think about what you are doing, process some of the feelings, put some thought into what you are about to do, and perhaps even reconsider your actions. It may buy you time to reconsider whether this is what you really want to do. If it is what you want to do, this allows you time to make sure you are calm and thinking clearly. To use this type of tool, one needs to be able to think clearly...well, it's a roll of the dice as to whether it works or not when one is not thinking clearly.

    I would suggest you NEVER keep tool and "feed" near each other. Not a good idea. This is for your safety and the safety of others. You wouldn't need more than five or less (more like three) pellets of feed either. I would get rid of all the extras.

    So, i strongly suggest only keeping one of the items in your residence. Not both. If you do keep both, my suggestion is to take one or the other, wrap it in a box within a box within a box and heavily seal it with layer upon layer of duct tape. Keep no sharp items nearby that would assist you in removing this wrapper. If you have an attic this might be a good place-or a crawl space. I would put it in something like a wooden box with a lock, then toss the key...why? Because we are talking about your life here. If it is that important to you, to exit/leave, you will find a way to bust into the wooden/metal box. Again, this also buys you time to think clearly. It may frustrate you a bit, and i would suggest if you get frustrated while breaking into your box; sit, deep breathing, calm, relax, take five minutes prior to attempting to break in again.

    I know this all sounds like a lot of effort, but

    ....I think you are well worth all that effort


    sorry this was so lengthy but i felt it important
    sorry also, i am having difficulty articulating today :sad:
  10. laylasmom1

    laylasmom1 New Member

    Re: bought a gun

    Thanks for all the responses.... I wasn't "committed" to a hospital, it was all voluntary, so I left the center, drove to the store and bought what I bought. and the other thing you need to use it. (I'm starting to get that there's some words you shouldn't use here).

    I thought there was a five-day waiting period, but there's not. I have no felony convictions, nor have I been committed to a hospital involuntarily, so my application sailed on through.

    I have thought about putting it somewhere I'd be too lazy to access it easily. Right now it's in the nightstand next to the bed. I'm kind of scared of it, so I haven't been playing with it at all. Haven't touched it, just there. I even forgot for a moment I had it (I'm one of those out of sight, out of mind people).

    My doc at the loony bin prescribed 2X the dose of a sleeping pill that I told him made me too sleepy - so I missed my second day of therapy because I overslept.

    I dunno. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed as easily as I do. I'm trying not to be so critical of what they do in therapy (I think it's poorly planned crap by people I'm not sure have had the training to do this effectively). I'm trying to some of the things ya'll suggest, I'm trying. Am seeing my therapist today.

    Y'all are the only ones I can even tell what I bought - I tell anyone else and I'll be involuntarily committed for sure. So now I'm lying (lie of omission) to the friends I have who do care about me. I don't like that, but...????

    I'm glad this forum is here.
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    on a practical note, depending on your income, you may be eligible for medicaid. If you go to the hospital's financial office, they should be able to give you some information about applying for this. If you get approved, I think that they will pay for expenses for a certain amount of time prior to your application (30 days, 60 days, something like this I think?). Sometimes hospitals also offer free care.

    If you have a bill you can't pay, I think that you may have either a bankruptcy option or an option to go on a payment plan. I think that most creditors are willing to do things on a payment plan.

    I recommend this book a lot to people who are depressed, especially if you've tried conventional treatments and they haven't worked.

    "Curing Depression with Traditional Chinese Medicine"

    If you just got out of the hospital and they gave you new meds, it might take some time for them to kick in.
  12. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    you should wait it out til after christmas at least...
    maybe things will get better...

    your family loves you, regardless of their reaction...nobody really knows what it's like...nobody knows how to react...nobody knows how to deal with it...and they definitely don't understand, partially cuz they can't until they experience it, and partially cuz i withhold a lot of information so i don't scare them...

    hang in there...i hope you find the strength to make it through a few more days...

    also, try giving yourself something to look forward to on a daily basis...
    if you don't have anything, create it...treat yourself to something...
    if you don't have the energy to create these things, come talk to us...we're all here...
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: bought a gun

    Hi Layla and welcome to SF. I'm a firearms expert (among other things like math/science teacher) and I'd like to share some of my suggestions for you. I'm going to assume to you live in the United States, because the USA is the only place on earth that you can walk into a store and legally buy a gun with no special license or security clearances. I had to pass a safety course and extensive background check before I was issued a firearms license.

    I think that you should get a small case with a lock on it, so that it can be stored safely and so that no kids can find it and play with it. Also, you should keep it unloaded just to be on the safe side. If your gun is a revolver then it's easy to see if it's unloaded, just rotate the cylinder. But if your gun is a semi-automatic, be very careful, because there could be a round in the chamber, so you have to pull the slide back and forth a few times.

    Finally, firearm suicides are very traumatic. Please don't do this to yourself. Guns are used for the protection of life, not to take one's life.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: bought a gun

    How are you feeling Layla? :hug:
  15. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Ye, being hospitalized is killing you both economic and 'literally'. Therefore I am totally cool when talking about suicide with my doctor cause no one can help me with that, I'm sorry. I have my plans ....

    I'm sorry to say that I can't say anything to help you because I'm in the same boat and its getting deeper and very hard to get out, I'm not the 'sick' one I'll tell you, but things is happening and eats my energy like candy. I hopes that we can help each other out and a conclusion for it. ( Don't wanna make black walls all over but I have my ending and when it's time I will go, no encourages! Just listen to yourself whats right, I have. )

    Just..No mistakes and we will be fine:tiger:
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