oddly, after leaving my first day of partial inpatient hospitalization (they let you go home at night), I went and xxx. I was very clear with the salesmen about wanting one that would leave an intruder dead on the floor - couldn't say, of course, that I wanted to be sure I would be the one dead. I never thought I'd take this step - the xxx was NOT cheap and my hospitalization is going to cost me THOUSANDS of dollars - so why continue when I really do have a tool to kill myself now. My biggest fear - well, two - is how I'll be remembered and worry that xxxx and not die and have to be cared for by my mother until I die for real. It's weird, because I feel... calm. Almost safer.