Boundaries, etc.

[jack]

Hello everyone.

I was sexually abused as a child, several times over the course of 2 years. Mostly by a female cousin 3 years older than me.

Turns out I'm REALLY messed up when it comes to relationships and sex and stuff like that. I have always been terrified to talk to girls, and it always comes back to being confused about boundaries and appropriateness. I'm scared that any kind of attention I give a women would be inappropriate. In situations where I'm pretty sure it actually would be appropriate, I'm afraid of .. I don't know exactly what. I can overcome this on the computer, but not in "real life." As a result, I've become addicted to stuff like Internet porn and chat rooms and that kinda thing. Stuff where I can get sexual "stuff" without all that painfully terrifying "real-life" social stuff.

So I'm trying to learn about boundaries and appropriateness now, and I'm having a really difficult time. I've been going to a divorce support group. I'm finding that I'm really enjoying having females in the group, both to listen to me and to listen to them. Being able to share honest emotional stuff (and being shared with) has felt like a very warm, validating thing. Almost "intimate," even. Question #1: Is this fucked up? Why or why not? What would be healthy (or not)?

The group has a strict No Dating policy, in order to make it a "safe place." Also, last week we split up into sub-groups by gender, and the faciliator of my group said the women like to do that once in a while as a "safe place."

Question #2: So what I don't get is .. safe exactly from what? It's REALLY easy for me to think, "Well, safe from me, of course." And to start thinking that anything resembling sexual desire in me is not just sick or wrong, but threatening and even dangerous. I am attracted to at least one group member, but I don't wanna hurt anybody.

My conclusion: I hate myself and I wish I was dead.

 

[TBear]

These are great questions!

What I think they mean by "safe" is this...safety for them has nothing to do with you - it has to do with rules and them. Just as your safety has nothing to do with them it has to do with you. In order to keep something safe for everyone...everyone's sensiblities have to be considered.

Personal boundaries are just that - personal. What is comfortable for you, you have to be able to state in a nice way and that can even change in time.

Social skills take time and experience to develop and that is what you are doing in the group. It feels somewhat intimate because that is what is developing - a safe environment where your emotional needs, likes, dislikes can be explored without the added complication of physical contact.

In order for someone to be able to develop a valuable physically intimate relationship that will last, they have to be able to have an emotionally intimate relationship. So you are doing that!

These are things I have learned from many others - it isn't easy but it sounds like you are on the right track.

I am sorry you are feeling alone and frustrated...keep trying, the good stuff has to still be up ahead!

 

[ODIECOM]

the only reason you are comfortable online is, theres distraction and you cant see the ppl on the other side.
may i suggest that you just take it slowly when you find a girl. there is "YOURSELF" inside you, you just dont see it yet. the only way to work through this kind of issue is to ... take it slow and dont allow yourself to "walk on egg shells" with women.

you know who you are when your not around them. you know who you are when your working .. just be yourself. your unsure of your actions with women because you know what its like to be violated and your unsure if the move you make or what you say is going to be approiate or not.
theres one way to be .. be nice. its an old way of doing things. just be nice.
even though many have gone through violent times and abuse, we all know how to be nice. be nice, be intrested. sometimes its hard to read ppls vibes when you have been abused, but if you just b e yourself, you will catch on.