Let me just say that I attempted suicide before <mod edit - methods>. I woke up in the shower with my grandmother who is a RN showering me in cold water while I was butt naked. Not a very pleasant thing to remember.. Needless to say about ten years later I am back at the edge of the cliff and I have to say I don't see a reason to continue. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. This is not just that fear of speaking. I literally don't want to have anything to do with anyone anymore. The only one I well tolerated were my mother, who do to her upbringing of me pretty much cause the disorder and my sister whom recently betrayed my trust after I had been helping her keep secrets. To put it simply I just don't trust people. Each time whether it be work or lover I'm just constantly betrayed by people. I ask myself why is that? I even question my sexuality thinking maybe I'm gay but that's not it I just don't feel like have a relationship with anyone. The phrase "used and abused" comes to mind. I learned that doing the right thing in life will get you no where. I have had fake friends. -She said she was only my friend because she wanted to get closer to one of my guy friends. That same guy friend ended up stealing from me. I think to myself what if my mother had just given me up for adoption? I mean she was not all that good a mother to begin with. You know out of all my childhood memories most of them I remember her being a complete slut; even going as far as to have an affair with my best friend's dad. Not to mention all the guys she got married to were ***holes. But that's more her issue with men then my issue with people. I just can't see it. I think well what it I don't do it? What is there for me to look forward to? I have no job never graduated college. I may like too look at women as romance material men as potential friends but the past tells me to trust no one cause everyone even your own family will betray you in the end. I think of if i do it will I go to hell, go to limbo, be reborn. I have to say that actually does sound better than my current situation. My last person I could trust my little sister recently betrayed my trust when i asked her not to repeat something to our mom. Something I told her specifically to her face. I helped her with her problems and kept them from our mother. A promise that I would not tell I still have not but not even a week passed and she broke her promise. I mean if I cannot even trust my blood... I don't know I just think limbo or even hell would be better than being alone for the next 30-50 years trusting no one.