I wanted to post this because I feel like I'm forgetting it. 2010 I meet this awesome guy over the internet on another forum. We had heaps in common and got along really well even tho he was so shy. We lived about an hour apart. I remember the first time meeting him, he was so covered up, I knew he was hiding something as he was a little strange. I come from a pretty basic, happy, "normal" family. I had never been opened up tot he world or drugs or just anything bad in general. I got to know this guy pretty quickly in the first month, we lived about an hour and half apart. So when I came up I was generally there for a few days at a time. Things were great, little was I paying any attention to the scars on his arms, up and down his arms.. he had more then even today I have ever seen. I don't know why back then but I just didn't pay attention to them or even really notice them. They were scars, not cuts so it was in his past. Pretty quickly everyone knew it was on, we were together and so happy. But I have an ex boyfriend that just couldn't let things go. He is a really nice guy, but to the point its too much. Pretty much he ended up stalking me and I just couldn't handle the fussing it was causing between me and the new guy. I thought we should go on a break, but it was quickly a break up. I knew I loved him but it was like I took a set back and realised how sick he was, he was on so many pills, depression was least of his worries... he'd had a terrible life and I only knew such a small amount of it. I knew my parents would hate him and I knew my friends thought he was bad news. So july 4th after being broken up about 3 weeks he sent me some photos and I knew he was going to end his life. I spoke to himvon the phone for 2 hours, I told him we'd run away together, i told him how much i would miss him, i begged him not to do it, i told him i'd get in my car and drive up to where he was(which i couldnt as i had been drinking alcohol earlier in the night). I was running out of words and ideas, so I let him know how amazing he was and that I would miss him, I even tried the "if you do it I do it" but I sort of figured he might like that idea. Last words I said to him were "I don't want to hear you do it" he said pardon and I repeated myself.. then he did it... he <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. The phone cut out as he would of dropped it in the motion and the battery and cover fell out. I knew he was gone. I called 000, police came over but I felt like whats the point his gone. Next day I meet his family and we went looking for him, they were looking for him, i was looking for his body. They just didn't want to believe he was dead. 4:40pm the police called up to come back to the station to report they had found his body. I run off, i wasn't sad at first I just wanted to be on my own. I called a friend after about 5 minutes and spoke to him about it. He lives like 10 hours away and he said he'd come over for the funeral. He really helped me with all our talks. After the funeral my friend went back home and I never got to say good bye as he was in a hurry to leave. It was okay because once he got home we spoke a bit on msn. end of july start of august i stopped hearing from my friend. august 2nd i found out he had been caught in the "ripplingly" effect, he <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. Now I had no one I even wanted to talk to. I quit my job as they couldn't/wouldn't give me time off to go to his funeral. I didn't work for 3 months. I took a lot of positive out of it all and wanted t change and be a better person. I have applied to study youth work at school for 2011 and plan to specialise in mental illness non clinical. I then want to open my own youth centre based our motorbikes (what me and my bf and friend did together). So now that leads up to today. I have worked at some shit kicker job and been fired. Now im jobless again. Debt piling up, banks calling me non-stop. I don't even care. I've done the hole pain killer and sleeping tablet mixed with alcohol thing... it was stupid.. 4 days in bed vomiting no thank you. I know i don't want to die... probably hence why i did a half ass attempt at killing myself. Now I just have no idea what to do... i can't get a job, i just want a job! I start studying on the 14th of feb, which i know will put me back in to my postive attitude. I don't want to waste the 2 boys lives, one died because of me. So in every way possible I have to live for him too. Like where is the off button to wanting to kill yourself? I feel like I haven't gone thru anything other people haven't and my problems aren't that bad... i know i can be positive i just don't know how to find it again. I know if this never happened I wouldn't know exactly what i want to dedicate my life too, i also feel if this never happened and i was left in the dark to it all life would be different and possibly better. Sorry if I put this in the wrong place I really had no idea and i did look there was just so many topics.