Boyfriend... GAH!!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wonderer, May 3, 2009.

  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    My boyfriend and I have been having fairly long standing issues at this point. Tonight he got upset because I told him I was just going to go home and eat and go to bed, and he wanted to come over.

    Now he feels like he's being taken advantage of, and like no matter how hard he tries for the relationship it will never be enough.

    I'm livid with him. Its MY house and MY life and I get to decide when I want guests, no matter who they are, not him. And yet I'm terrified to even let him know how angry I am, because I'm afraid I'm emotionally abusive... Both my mom and my ex-best friend told me that, and my therapist kept insisting it was them not be, but idk what to believe. I feel like shit for not being able to make this relationship work, but I don't even want him in my house anymore alone, because last time he came and I asked him to leave he wouldn't.

    I feel so freakin' trapped... If I break up with him, I'm the crazy bitch who never wanted her boyfriend to spend the night and broke up with him because he asked. And I'm a failure for not making the relationship work, and possibly emotionally abusive. I'd rather be dead than hurt anyone, unfortunately being dead=hurting people so thats also a no-win situation. I also don't want to be alone, but my current roommate is overseas, and come the summer I'll be staying on campus and everyone else will be going home and without him no one will be coming to visit me. And if I stay with him, I think I'm just going to keep getting pushed when he wants things.

    This fucking sucks... I'm just trying to find the courage to break up with him, and the compassion to do it in the least painful possible way for him, and I don't think I have either. I suck...

    Rae
     
  2. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    What I get from your post is that maybe there isn't enough communication going on here. I think you need to stop being held back by fear of abussing him emotionally because I really don't think you are; you're just being honest, telling him how you feel about things - it's how relationships work, by communicating your feelings to each other. You can't expect him to read your mind and know how you feel and theerefore for his behavious to change if you don't tell him.. nothing is going to change if you don't tell him.

    It seems to me like he really cares about you and it's natural for him to be wanting to spend a lot of time with you but I understand that you may not always be up for it - this is exactly how I feel about my boyfriend. You just have to explain this to him, tell him you do want things to work out but sometimes you really just rather be on your own and have your own space. I don't think this is emotional abuse, you're just being honest with him and I'm sure he'll understand if you just explain.

    You don't have to break up with him if you don't want to, give the relationship a chance by telling him how you feel and if things don't work out at least you'll know that you tried. Don't think you're a failure if things don't work out but give it a go.

    Good luck xx
     
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Seems like there is a lack of understanding from your Boyfriend. Your not being emotionally abusive. Your other half should understand that you want time for your self. Perhaps one day or night, sit down with him and explain how you feel. Also let him explain how he feels, so that you both get a better understanding of eachothers feelings and thoughts.

    I hope your both able to resolve this.
     
  4. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    We've tried. It keeps coming back to, he hates not being able to decide when he can see me - he hates that he wants to and I say no... And he just argues and argues and can't bend on that fact. In his mind, he's my bf, therefore he ought to be able to see me. When he wants to.
    Yet he never plans things, he just starts walking me home, and then gets mad if I tell him I just plan to go to bed when I get there, or that I appreciate the company for the walk but don't want company at the house that night.
    He neither ASKS if/when he can see me, nor PLANS anything for us to do together... it always comes down to asking me what we're going to do. We've tried to talk, I've tried to tell him this, and it just keeps coming back to "I'm your boyfriend, I ought to be able to see you"
     
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    From a male point of view, I guess he'll either have to live with it (your decisions) or break up with you. Either party in a relationship (and I've been on both ends of break-ups) can lay down some ground rules and expect them to be followed.

    If he can't live with it, he can leave you. If you don't want him to continue with the way he handles your feelings or rules, you can end it. Either way, it seems like unless one of you gives in, this won't last long.

    If you break up with him, you're not a "crazy bitch", it just wasn't meant to be. I apologize if this seems over-simplified, but I can only go by what you've said so far. I don't think you've done anything wrong. Good luck with this one and any future relationships (and I mean this sincerely, not sarcastically).

    Also, I've had girls/women break up with me in a rough manner and with compassion...both suck. They're tough to get over, but we do, and move on...even if one took me about 10 years to get over.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2009
  6. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    We talked tonight. I proposed we take a break and see where things are in the fall, which he doesn't really like but is thinking about. Basically I told him I might possibly be willing to entertain another solution if I thought it'd avoid us getting in the same fight over and over again (which is what we've been doing) but short of a grand idea, we're either taking a break or breaking up permenantly cuz I don't want to keep doing this.
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Just an idea, in future, let eachother know what you've got planned for the day, so then at least he knows before hand. Have you tried this before?
     
  8. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I've tried... Thing is, he decides that if I have an hour of free time, thats an hour I could be spending with him, but I need the time to come home, shower, make dinner and get ready for the next day...
     
  9. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Seems to me like he really doesn't understand that you have a life outside of your relationship and that you can't be spending ALL your free time with him. Either he needs to understand this and make peace with it, or I think the best is that you stop trying because it seems like wasted energy.
     
  10. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    sounds like he's addicted to you...

    i had the same problem with my ex. and when i say that, i was doing what your bf was doing.

    i was dependent... addicted to him...

    i could see what i was doing on the outside but was driven by my emotions. i couldn't stop it... :(

    you need to sit him down and tell him that a healthy relationship isn't being together 24/7. a healthy relationship is when both parties are able to be happy being without each other as well as with. he needs to be more independent.

    you need to say this the right way though and not like how i said it above.

    i find that guys especially can be very stubborn. i am also stubborn and so i know that when someone tells me something, i will instantly want to do the opposite of it even if its wrong because i want to just be right.

    do you know what i mean?

    so you need to avoid that because that may be why the fight isn't ending. he just wants to prove he's right in the end even if deep down he knows he isn't.

    he probably knows that what he's doing isn't cool but can't fight how he's feeling or the urge to just be right. you need to make the conversation very positive and non accusing so he gets his guard down and really listens to you.


    i hope i helped a little :(
     
  11. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Well, it seems like you have tried with him.

    I hope for both your sakes, this can all be resolved, whether that is through a short break from eachother or a permanent break up.

    Take care.