Boyfriend will work from next week on

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cooki, Aug 20, 2014.

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  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Hey everyone

    I've been thinking about time very much lately. It makes me really sad to know that my boyfriend will have to work soon and then I won't see him much anymore. There are two and a half weeks of holidays left, but for me it will only be half a week because I don't feel like doing anything senseful as long as my boyfriend is not around... At the moment it feels like I'm going to die because of the lack of warmth..! I really don't know what to do :( My boyfriend will work till 4 pm and by the time he would arrive here after work it would be 5 pm. My parents won't let him stay any longer than 6:30. pm. So we probably won't meet at all because it is pointless to meet for one and a half hours. And on weekends I'm not allowed to have anyone here. Sleepovers aren't allowed for me as well, so I won't have the chance to see him much at all... And this might be for ever....... How do working adults handle this lack of time..???
  2. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Maybe you could visit him yourself? But i don't understand why he's not allowed to stay on weekend.
  3. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    My parents don't understand that normal kids have sleepovers at the age of 8 and that normal students almost only meet on the weekend because that's when they have freetime. My parents are idiots, to sum it up.
    I can't visit him any longer than he could visit me. He would have to take me to his place and bring me back home though, which means that even less time would be there in the end because I have to be at home at 6:30 pm and no one else is allowed to be here any later.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    While 6:30PM seems a little early for a curfew I will say there is no way that my kids would be having boyfriend,girlfriend sleepovers- that is a very different thing than a simple friend spending the night so you might want to cut some slack on that one. Perhaps there is room to negotiate with your parents about a couple extra hours until 8 or 9 once a wek and for you to be out a few hours on a saturday or sunday (thiugh notover night)?

    If you try to speak to them from a perspective of acknowledging and respecting their views and asking for small things maybe they will listen and try to go slow and ask for a little at first and build from that rather than making a fight about all night or every night would be my advice.

    So far as your question-When married and working different schedules (often intentionally to reduce need for child care and those costs)plus having to divide time between children spouse and friends and other responsibilities a lack of quality time together is very common in adult relationships. You are right about that - it sucks and is just part of growing up and getting more responsibilities.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    6.30 does seem a little early but at the end of the day no matter how strict the rules they place on you, you must remember they set those rules because they care about you and love you and want to protect you. Perhaps they are being a bit over protective, maybe you should try and do things that will make them see in their eyes that you can be trusted and have your independence. Talk to them and explain your worries. I've seen it happen over and over again that when you go against your parents the worse things will get, while they want to be your friend as well. They are your parents and have an instinct to protect you. I would never have been allowed to bring a boy home to stay overnight at school age. And to be honest I did go off the rails a bit but there was a lot more to it so I'll just keep it at that for now. I am curious as to how old you are? I do hope you can sort something out, maybe get them to know your boyfriend a bit more and maybe gain some trust.... let us know what happens and best of luck to you :) Also, hope you enjoyed your birthday today :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2014
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    No offense is meant to be given. Why be so dependent on a boyfriend? Why not become involved in different things like a hobby and learning to be independent?

    Some people have a problem with being alone and being too dependent on being with someone else and it can be a diaster. Just saying. You live in technology age and there are plenty ways to communicate with your boyfriend if need is that strong to connect.
  7. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Hi cooki!
    I had strict rules too they sucked but I always found ways around. Talking on the phone was always a big help, even though you can't see each other the connection is still there...
    I agree with drownedfishonfire about the dependence thing.. I'm only saying this from my experience but you do what you feel is best for you... I had a boyfriend who I was extremely dependent on, I would wait for phonecalls, think about him all the time it consumed me... He cheated on me... But it didn't stop there my next bf I was almost exactly the same! I didn't learn.. I am still with him now (the second one) but I learned to give myself the space I needed.. I wish I did it sooner because I would have learned more about myself sooner.. Hobbies, career choices etc. I don't allow others to make choices for me anymore and that's what was happening when I was too consumed by my bf.. No freedom I moved from strict parents to a strict bf because I allowed it..
    I'm not trying to rub you the wrong way it's just something I thought I could share...

    As for your parents they probably do it because they love you. My parents were overprotective but I got them to loosen the rules a little by talking to them and giving gooooood reasons

    Good luck to you! I wish you the best.

    (I'm sorry this post is long lol)
  8. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    My parents never listen to me. They don't have any time for me at all. They set up these rules so that they won't have a problem with their perfectly planned days. On saturdays I am supposed to work in the coffee-shop until 1 pm, and after 1 pm it closes so I'm not allowed to go out anymore. On sundays my parents don't work so they sleep until 10 or 11 am and then I'm supposed to make breakfast (we eat in the living room so I have to walk through the whole house over and over again to bring all the stuff from the kitchen to the living room). Since my parents don't work on sundays I am not allowed to go out because I'm only allowed to go somewhere else or let someone visit me as long as the coffee-shop is not closed. My parents don't listen to me so I can't ask for a little more time. And I'm a responsable person, the rest of my family always says that I'm acting like an adult and they don't understand why my parents don't trust me at all. Everyone that gets to know me at school or so thinks that I'm about 18 years old just by my behaviour and how I talk and such things. I've actually just turned 15 yesterday. My parents had promised me a year ago that I will be allowed to have sleepovers when I'm 15. They will say they've said 16, just like they did last year when they had said 14 and then told me it was 15. It isn't only the sleepovers at a boy's but also at friends' places. I have never been allowed to have a sleepover at all.

    I often think that I shouldn't be with my boyfriend because he never offers me much of his time and from next week on he won't have time anymore... For the last few months he didn't have to do anything but he still almost never met me. I can't be alone for long. I start hurting myself when I'm too lonely, just a little, but it's still wrong. When I didn't ask if he could come here he wouldn't ask so it always felt like he doesn't want to see me but didn't want to think of some reason not to come. So I kind of forced him to come. Yesterday in the evening we had a texting-argument about that. He has lied to me all the time. When he was here on one day and I asked if he could come the next day too he always invented something or said like "why???". I now have gotten the true reason out of him. He told me that he has to play videogames at least every second day because of his addiction. Why didn't he tell me earlier????? I've been thinking that he doesn't want to do anything with me at all or so >.<

    My main problem with depending on him is that I'm texting him all the time. I hate when people don't answer for hours so I have to check my messages every few minutes so I can't do much other than sitting around in the house (I don't have a smartphone, so I always text him from my ipod and I don't have internet outside the house). But since he'll have to work from next week on I will finally be able to do something else than just chatting all the time because I can't text him while he has to work and the other way around.

    Sorry the post is so long again, I just can't keep it short '^^
  9. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If my 15 year old daughter was spending her days waiting on text messages from a boy I would likley conclude that you were getting too involved in that boy and be pretty strict about t as well - especially if I had also observed as you mentioned that it was very one way and you seemed more interested in him than him with you.

    Trying to get some freedom would work better if it were not a boyfriend that was th egoal of that freedom and it really seems more like lonely than deeply in love. I really am sorry it i so strict and not the way you would like things to be - hope it improves for you.

    - Ben
  10. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Somehow over the last few days I've realized there is no feeling I have for him anymore... But I don't want to hurt him as much as my ex hurt me.... My ex just came to me one day, it was like always, and then he told me he doesn't feel anything for me. Then he broke up with me. And by that time he was the only person left in Germany that I could call a friend (I never had more than two or three and my only other friend was (and still is) in another country) so I had to cry out at him comforting me and he did so. I'm still not over this guy because he gave me hope after breaking up and stuff although I think it was just me wanting him to come back imagining he gave me hope. I know that my current boyfriend will either fall back in deep depression or even die if I leave him the way he feels now. He will blame himself even more than he does by now (his ex was kind of normal before him and he made her hate videogames (by now she gets panick attacks when she has to touch a computer) and she's fallen in a depression but I keep telling him that's not his fault .. Although I started to understand her half a year ago. My brother has often told me that I would be a perfect girlfriend from how much fun I have playing videogames. I've been playing star wars battlefront with him, tekken was my favourite game, but mario was also ok. My boyfriend made ne hate videogames. I barely play anymore and I'm sick of watching him or my brother play (which I had liked before). The only games I play are zumba and wii fit..... XD) and that will make him sick.. But I don't know what to do... Breaking up is no good idea for me at the moment, I'll wait for what Allie will do and then decide if I should do that too or not (I'm reading a book called Night School and at the moment it totally matches my situation. It's just after Allie's birthday and she doesn't feel anything for her boyfriend, but she wants it so badly. There's also another guy she's already been with and they told each other they're only friends but she loves him. She could lose them both if she's not careful). Although I won't really let that influence me I guess.
    I guess I'm just being selfish again.... I don't want to be alone so I keep pretending everything's okay... But sometimes in the last year I've been wishing I were able to "pause" the relationship for a while so I could concentrate on school and stuff. But back then I had feelings for him, that's why I just wanted to pause it for a while. Now it's growing on me that I could leave him and then I would be better at school again. I wouldn't look for another boyfriend I think. I've had enough of boys for a while.
  11. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I had a boyfriend who was completely obsessed with video games. And the sad/pathetic part was that he was 25 and I was 21. You'd think he'd have something better to do, but no , not so much. You said you live in Germany so I don't know if you've ever seen it, but it was kind of like The Big Bang Theory, you know how in the one episode they were all sitting on the couch playing video games and Penny came in with a bunch of her friends and said "Hey guys, my friends and I got tired of drinking, so we came here to have sex with you." and no reaction whatsoever from any of them. (If you've never seen it, don't worry about it lol) But yeah, it was kind of like that. He seemed to prefer playing Call of Duty and yelling into his mic than hang out with or even have sex with his girlfriend. I know you're probably too young to have sex at 15, but just making a point because most normal guys would never give up sex for anything. Anyway, I ended up leaving because it was becoming extremely annoying, plus he also had a job in which he had to leave me for days to a week at a time (which I begged him not to take and he didn't listen). So, I can definitely understand why it would bother you. I've never wanted to even look at a Call of Duty game ever again.

    But also, you say you don't really have feelings for him anymore, which is understandable if you feel like he's ignoring you all the time and saying things like "why" when you ask him to come over. So personally, I think you should just tell him the truth. I know you say someone did that to you and it hurt, but it's better to tell the person than string them along. Imagine if that guy never told you that and just kept pretending that he did have feelings for you until pretending got to be too much and he left you years later. You'd probably be a lot more hurt that way. So, it's better to just speak your mind and tell the truth. He might be depressed for a while, but I guarantee he's not going to die. You'll both get over it and find other people when you're ready. I thought I'd never get over my first ever long term relationship when I was 16. I told him I would die without him and honestly thought it was the truth at the time, but I didn't die obviously, though I won't lie it took me quite a bit to get over it. I still thought about him every now and then a year later, but it didn't take me that long to find someone else and I did get over him completely after a while.

    Oh and by the way, I love Wii Fit too, it's so fun ;p
  12. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I know the big bang theory. I've even seen this episode xD and yeah, it's kind of the same here. When I'm at his place he'll end up playing videogames or showing me videos of other people playing videogames or making me play horrorgames.
    I've told him just now that I don't feel anything for him and that I'm sorry. I couldn't make myself tell him when he was here today, I texted him because I was affraid he might cry and I hate when I see people I like cry... Obviously he's crying at the moment though, but I'm totally fine which scares me...... I think it's best to break up (didn't officially break up by now, I mean, I hate phone-break-ups. That's so anonymous..!) but it would hurt him so much :/
  13. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    That's really good that you told him the truth. That took a lot of guts and it's something a lot of other people wouldn't be able to do. Also, being fine isn't something to feel bad about, considering that you're doing this for a good reason (ie. him ignoring/mistreating you). But also you should probably be prepared for that to possibly change in the future. And I'm only saying that because there have been times when I've broken up with people and it felt great to finally be free afterwards, and then a day or several days later when it finally hit me as a reality, I did feel upset and shed some tears over it. But if that happens, it doesn't mean that you made a mistake. I think you're making a good decision and if you do feel upset about it at all in the future it's completely normal. We all feel that way at some point when a relationship ends no matter who broke up with whom, but we let it run its course and we move on. Clearly, from what you've said before, you feel that its best to focus more on school at this point and that's a really good thing. You should go with your gut feeling and do what's best for you.
  14. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I've had 2 break ups by now. My first boyfriend who kind of was an a****** I had broken up with and it didn't feel any bad. The second one broke up with me and it felt like hell. But now I understand it must have been hard to tell a person you know will not take it very well that you don't feel anything for her. My still-boyfriend hopes that I don't let him alone :/ and he totally blames himself now. I know from psychological view it is impossible that a male and a female are "just friends" but that's exactly what I want right now. Because I don't want him to be too lonely :/
    In the book I'm reading there's a girl who has broken up with her longtime boyfriend because she didn't quite miss him when she was away for 3 months. She said what I feel right now. Something like it doesn't really hurt or so but it feels strange like there should be a boy-shaped person right next to me.
  15. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    ._. At 3 am my boyfriend sent me a message "it hurts..." :/ At the moment I feel so guilty..... I would right now do anything to comfort him... I wish he were here right now and I could give him a hug and we could decide on how it's going on. I don't want to let him all alone in this world... It's my fault that he almost lost everyone he knew from back when he still went to school. Okay, I don't have anyone else now as well, but that's because my ex doesn't count as a friend and the only other friend I have lives miles and miles away. It feels so wrong to break up after more than a year.....
    In my dream nothing was wrong today. Strange but true: it was the first non-nightmare in weeks...... Guess my subconcious thinks it was a good choice.
  16. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well, question, do you just want him to treat you better or do you not want to be with him now regardless because you want to focus on other things? I don't think it's impossible for males and females in general to just be friends, but I do think it's impossible for some males and females, that depends. What you said about it feeling like there should be a boy-shaped figure next to you sounds like you just want the physical comfort/companionship...not necessarily that person in particular. I understand that you feel guilty because he's hurting but depending on what exactly you want and how you feel, you should act on whatever you feel is best for you regardless of how it affects him. Of course if he's like threatening suicide or something, you should tell an adult. But if he's just merely upset, he will get over it just like anybody else gets over a relationship. And its not your fault if he lost his friends. He lost them because he chose to do it. You didn't put a gun to his head and say "I'll kill you if you don't do this for me", which makes it his own choice even if you pressured him into it because the final decision was still his and you didn't force him to make it. One of my ex's for example, introduced me to getting high. Before him, I had never done it before. However, even though he's done a lot of other shitty things to me, that one I've never blamed him for because he never forced me to make the decisions I made. Unless he's the one who stuck a needle in my arm despite me saying "No, I don't want to do this", I can only blame myself for what I chose, despite the pressure he put on me to do so. I made that final decision and I had the capability and the smarts to say I didn't want to do it. As for your b/f, he can always find new friends. A lot of friends come and go.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 29, 2014
  17. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I wasn't able to really break up with him by now. A few hours ago i noticed that he had changed his status on skype, which he hadn't done in years. The new status says "Don't leave me, for I would die without you"...
    I don't know what I want. For me, the only thing I feel like I need is a physical person to comfort me as you say. That's why I made kind of a pact with my ex which is kind of strange, but okay. I can't leave him now though, because he will start working on Monday (yep, they had him informed wrongly for months and he'll start next week then) and I don't want to ruin the last bits of motivation he has left. I'll first wait for school to start again and then I'll see how it'll go on. My ex says I should make it fast because he doesn't want me to become like my boyfriend's ex. She's completely broken. I don't feel anything for him anymore... I just know that I like him, nothing more...
  18. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    That's just a manipulation tactic. He's not going to die. Especially if you've made it evident to him that him saying these things make you feel guilty, he's taking advantage of that.
  19. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry to be rude - that is emotional blackmail and manipulation and doing it on skype is ridiculous to point that I would call that alone a REASON TO break up with all by itself. I hope you do not find yourself to be susceptible to that type of childish manipulation. Basically is saying - "I have no intention of changing or being different but you better stay anyway" - so is disregarding you completely for his own selfish needs and to make point of not changing or ever needing to change because if it works once that will be the answer to everything he ever does wrong to you.
  20. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    It's kinda funny that he's manipulating me, since I'm the one who manipulates people (accidentally. When I realize it I stop). I think he's not manipulating me, because I don't give a s*** on that status since I know he wouldn't kill himself neither will he die from a broken heart or something. Maybe he tries to, but my problem is that I'm too friendly and I've been left by a guy I really felt something for because he didn't feel anything for me anymore, so I know this hurts as hell and I hate when people I like are hurting... I'm making my problems all on my own. At the moment I just don't want my boyfriend to be right with his status '^^ I could ask my ex how to break up with a guy without making him feel like a piece of shit. I don't want to see him cry because that could make me feel weak again....... I should break up - somehow - and maybe block him for a few days or so until I'm less vulnerable...... I don't know what to do >_<
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