BP Relationship: When is it time to let go?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by feathers, Dec 17, 2010.

  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    My relationships always follow the same borderline-like trend.

    1. Initial few months of idealization.
    2. Me getting depressed and starting to depend on partner so they can't leave even though relationship is miserable. They love me too much due to the initial few perfect months.
    3. The depression ends and we both hope to go back to the initial problem free idealization stage, but that never happens.
    4. Instead I rapidly move between idealization and devaluation, which gradually tips further and further in favour of devaluation and makes me want to leave, but there is still periods of idealization that make me think, maybe I want to hang on.

    This fourth stage can go on for months of me battling it out in my head. Should I stay or should I go? That's the situation I'm in at the minute. This always results in damaging relationships going on for far too long and I wish I had ended them earlier but I find I can't. How is it fair to have my partner be there for me for 4 months of solid depression then get rid of him a month later because he annoys me too much?

    How do I know when it's time to let go? Should I let go at the beginning of a depression so I don't even have to feel dependant? Should I let go now, after he's been there for me constantly? Should I drag it on for as long as possible, clinging to dwindling idealization?

    I honestly have no idea. Any input from BPs or non-BPs would be helpful.

    K x
  2. victor

    victor Account Closed

    im not confident comenting on this on im afraid:( but i think u should let go asap if u dont see the future together
    perhaps u havent met that ONE yet?

    might be wrong tho as im clueless bout bp n all this, but i think its always better to let go if theres no future, to avoid more damage and pain for everyone
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Funny thing is that when I'm in an idealization state with him I do things like ask him to move in and talk about getting married!!! But in a devaluative state I just wanna break up with him.

    It's not like I'm looking to settle down and have a future together anyway - I'm only 18 atm. Also I know that if we break up, if I ever get in a relationship again it will just be the same as this, going through the same stages as all of my 3 main relationships have done.
  4. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    i tend to do the same thing. but my depression is on and off at least twice a month and never takes a dang break.
    i idealize the person and then again it makes me sick to my stomach at times. i have bpd as well and its extremely difficult to deal with for me and everyone around me. unfortunately i cant give you any advice :| but i can relate to what your saying
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Ah. Well sorry to hear you go through the same stuff :(. It's so difficult to control the way you feel and behave!!
  6. victor

    victor Account Closed

    if u really luv this guy, try n work things out together.. seek medical help 4 ur condition maybe, i dunno..
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I don't love him, I don't I'm capable of love... Just very powerful idealization...
    I'm getting medical help too :). Thank you though for your advice :)
  8. victor

    victor Account Closed

    wait, im confused now - ure a guy?
  9. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Definitely get counselling. When you devalue him, try to think rationally about the good times. Easier said than done - hence counselling.n
  11. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Going for an assessment on Tueday after seeing a psychiatrist two days ago, probably get psychotherapy :)