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BPD - Problems regulating my emotions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nicolaj1992, Jan 7, 2010.

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  1. nicolaj1992

    nicolaj1992 Member

    I am 17, live alone, do not work or go to college or do anything and have no real friends either.

    I have been diagnosed with an emerging personality disorder and have recently been in hospital for just over ten weeks, but was discharged three days ago.

    I am feeling absolutely rubbish. I spoke to my psychologist on Tuesday and said to him how I feel - I want to live but can't cope with life, so am in a real dilemma.

    This evening I have been okay, didnt have any thoughts of self harm or suicide - until now. All of a sudden, in the last five minutes I have completely changed and my mood has dropped suddenly.

    I don't know what to do or how to manage tonight, or what to do if I am able to manage tonight as there's less people who I can contact over the weekend. I don't want to be admitted to hospital as I have been told that I am not allowed back to the hospital I was at previously, for various reasons, and I really don't like uncertainty therefore don't want to be admitted to a hospital in an area i'm unfamiliar with, with people who don't know me, rules i'm not sure of etc.

    I really don't know what to do as it seems that I can never stay feeling okay for a whole day, there's always a moment during that day when I end up in tears and feeling at a wits end and I reckon its only a matter of time before I attempt to do something again.

  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Then you keep posting here. About anything and everything. Get the feelings out. If you cant do that then talk about the weather. What ever it is that will keep you here safe and talking to others.

    SF is filled with people that can relate to your pain. Your thoughts and urges. You in general. There are people here suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, border line personality disorder, anxiety and panic attacks. Pretty much the full gammit. So post hun. Let others know whats going on so that they can try to help. No judgement or guilt to deal with here. Just talk. And if you say something you shouldnt, the mods and admin with remind you not to. So that way you dont have to worry about upsetting anyone else.

    Please keep posting. If you cant then call a suicide or crisis line. Anything that will keep you with other people. You dont need to fight this alone. You've found this site so use it please? By the way... welcome!!!
  3. nicolaj1992

    nicolaj1992 Member

    Well I really don't know what to say.

    My social worker is visiting me at 9am tomorrow morning, so there's only just over nine hours to go until she arrives. I really don't know what to say to her though.

    It's the birthday party of someone I know tomorrow evening so I think I'll be okay then, and it might actually do me good to socialise but it's Saturday and Sunday night I'm concerned about.

    I am seriously put off of asking for help though as I was placed on a S136 three weeks ago and had a terrible few hours. Also I cannot deal with uncertainty and there is too much uncertainty for me regarding another hospital admission. I really don't know what to do, it seriously feels like a catch 22 situation. Either I don't ask for help and try and manage and if not then I won't be here, or I ask for help and have to end up distraught and a nervous wreck not knowing what is going to happen.

    I really don't know what the best option is.

  4. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    Hello nicolaj1992,
    I'm new here, this is my first posting but when i am feeling all out of control and my brain is too busy the only thing left for me to do is develope a plan and stick to it come what may.

    What i mean is there are three things i must take into account, my thoughts, my feelings and my behavior. Usually if my emotions are raging and flickering and swirling like dark ink in a small bottle, and my brain is so busy that i can't make decesions or choices, then all i have left to work with is what am i actually physically doing. So i make a plan.

    Cleaning, sadly there is always something i could be getting a bit tidier, i set the minute minder for 10 minutes and work at cleaning something.

    A bubble bath, that's mostly for late night when i might be disturbing others

    walking, before i got a treadmill i would walk in place in my kitchen, also setting the minute timer for 10 sections.

    My goal is to keep myself busy with something that isn't related to my disturbance and might actually be pleasant in some way until i can get past the ongoing mental mess. It doensn't alway work but it's kinder to myself than just going over and over and over the bad stuff.

    Is there anything you could do that might distract you for a few minutes?
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So what can you occupy yourself with for the next 9 hours? Do you like to cook? How about digging out a favorite recipe and whipping that up? Then eating it of course (lol). Or (depends on whether anything is open) try window shopping at a near by store. How about music? Try listening to atleast one favorite track off every cd you have. Call in requests all night if necessary at a local station. Drive them crazy instead of yourself (lol).

    Or keep talking here. Tell me a little more about you. Hobbies? Likes/dislikes? Music? Read a book or wirte a book? Which would you prefer and why? Movies.... horror, action or comedy? Anything that pops into your head. Just keep distracted.

    As for what to say to your worker.... exactly what you have posted here. She cant help if she doesnt really know whats going on.

    Ok your turn!
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