BPD took over me, I yelled at him over virtually nothing.

[TooShyToScream]

Well, in normal people's eyes it would be nothing, at least.

Some guy from work texted him twice when he came home for lunch (or I guess dinner by now). The first time it happened, I demanded to read the text (it was about baseball), and said "he's not texting you about work, don't talk to people you work with about stuff other than work. It bothers me." He said okay. Second time it happened, I screamed something along the lines of "what asshole is talking to you now!? You're not allowed to have friends! Don't text him ever again". I realized how psychotic I sounded as soon as I said it. But I still mean every word. I don't have friends and I don't want him to have any. I want to be the center of his attention. If he gives any to anybody else, then I'm not important enough. I'm not good enough. He doesn't need me. Such is my way of thinking. The BPD way of thinking. If I'm not getting all of his love and attention, I'm not getting enough and might as well be getting nothing at all. I feel bad for yelling. I don't really know how he deals with me. I don't know why he wants me around. I don't even let him form friendships. I'm fucked up and not willing to change.

I think...and he may not realize this, but his life would probably be better if I did commit suicide. There'd be no one to make insane and ridiculous demands anymore...and he could just eventually forget me and move on to someone more normal and prettier.

Also, to those who may respond, just keep in mind that I'm pissed off right now and will put every single word you say under a microscope and make it out to be an insult and then try to insult back if I feel offended. Twisting words is another one of my specialties - just a warning.

 

[solutions]

I'll take the risk.

It makes sense to say your boyfriend sees something in you, otherwise he wouldn't be with you. He's free to do what he wants, and he chooses to stay with you. Not bad evidence that he feels something for you, don't you think?

 

[TooShyToScream]

I don't doubt that he feels something for me. But how long til he gets sick of me? I would rather kill myself than let him have a friend. How fucked up is that?

 

[solutions]

The fact that you recognize that it's insensible proves you're not a psychopath. It's not you. Do you think your boyfriend realizes that? It's the result of BPD. Not you.

I, personally, am always told not to identify with my diagnoses, but I do anyway. It's a bad habit, and I don't recommend doing it.

However he interprets your behavior, he's choosing to accept it along with you. Is how you're feeling fucked up? I don't think so, since I'm sure you're not the first person to feel that way (in fact, I am sure, but that's a personal story). "Fucked up" would take more than that to earn the label.

You viciously berate yourself and call yourself fucked up and all that shit, but things still seem to be holding together in your relationship. If there were reason to believe he was sick of you, then things would be different. But you didn't mention anything that suggested he actually was sick of you.

 

[kmj221]

I've been in your mind set too many times. I also, have BPD(along other things). I'm so glad you have some one and are allowing someone to care about you. He does care about you otherwise he would be much more defensive. Don't end up like me and push everyone away, or cut everyone out of your life. That is a huge struggle for people with BPD. I do wish you the best as I know personally how hard this is for you. Take Care!!! kmj221

 

[TooShyToScream]

Rocket - I wouldn't say insensible. I recognize that other people find it insensible...that he most likely finds it insensible, even though he doesn't really argue with me about it. But, like I said, I don't want to work on changing it. It feels right to me. Even though it feels wrong because of what I know society's expectations to be, it feels right to ME. Does that make sense? It's just not something I'm willing to change for anyone. I'd rather die. Does it become my fault when I purposely don't work on changing it? I feel like I want to die just so he won't be able to ever leave me.

Kmj - I've cut more people out of my life than I can count on both hands. I've tried to cut him out several times too, and then always ended up coming back when I realized I acted on impulse.

 

[TooShyToScream]

Well he never gave me a reason to think he was sick of me. Not even when I tried to leave him for like the third time. But in my mind, no evidence is enough evidence to still think stupid thoughts I guess. You really don't think I'm fucked up for making those demands?

 

[solutions]

Nope. I can't lie to you and say I agree with it, because like you said, it'd be near-impossible for anyone--or "normal" people--to really understand. But there are a lot more destructive things to think about than that. That's my view, anyway.