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  1. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    (I just read this back, and I'm not sure if this is the right forum actually, so mods please feel free to move as appropriate)

    Argh, even just reading about what's wrong with me triggers me. I'm an information person, I like to know everything, read everything, gather as much information as is entirely possible. But reading about borderline personality disorder just seems.... bleak. Reading through any information pack about signs and symptoms triggers me because it describes me so perfectly, and then in the next sentence discribes how difficult borderlines are to treat, and how awfully they treat others. May as well pack it in and go live in a country house where I can write books about how depressing my life is and not have to speak to another living soul so therefore can't hurt them.

    I ended up the other night, through my incessant knowledge gathering, on a site that was for relatives/friends of borderlines. It made me feel hopeless. I recognise that my actions hurt, and I recognise the actions of the people these relatives knew as painful. And yet these reactions are so hard to control. My stomach feels it before my brain has even processed what's happening.

    So when meeting new people, when is it appropriate to say hey PS I have depression and borderline personality disorder? If they know anything about it, they're likely to run for the hills. If they don't, they're going to ask, and then run for the hills. And if you don't tell them, build up a friendship with them, you end up hating them at some point for absolutely nothing, and then they run for the hills. This country house in the middle of nowhere is sounding more and more appealing. At least then I can have sporadic contact with my parents and eventually all the people that know me will forget me. I wouldn't feel guilty for killing myself since technically I'd be alive. People could come stay with me for a week or two on their travels - I haven't, as yet, ruined any friendships in such a short amount of time, so a couple of weeks would be short enough to hide my insanity. Now if only I won the lottery so that I could purchase this house and never work again, I would go, in a heartbeat.

    And in the meantime... I guess I continue to idealise the people that don't hate me yet, and continue to hate the people that I feel have let me down and pray that the New Year comes soon and with it my new therapy regime - another largely pointless exercise given that I'll probably end up devaluing them too.

    Ack what's the point.
  2. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    Hello there,
    I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
    With depression the way people feel can vary a great amount, but I find with BPD, when you hear someone talk about how they feel, you can relate so precisely.
    I know exactly how you feel.
    I have pretty much isolated myself for the past six months.
    It's pretty much my 'house' in the middle of nowhere.
    It wasn't the best decision, and I'm beginning to notice that now.
    So, I really don't recommend it.
    It is very hard realizing that our actions, and thoughts are hurting others, especially when it feels impossible to control, or even notice at the time.
    I understand that, but the first step is realizing it.
    A great amount of people won't even accept that, and therefore will have a harder time getting better.
    I can't really tell you when the best time to tell someone that you have depression and BPD.
    I suggest telling them once you feel comfortable with them.
    I really wish you the best of luck.
    I will be starting Dialectical Behaviour Therapy in a week.
    I'm really hoping it will work, so that I will be able to suggest it to other that are suffering.
    Please take care, and keep holding on.
    It's such a tough struggle, I know, just hold on to every little thing you possibly can.
    That's what I do.
  3. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Hi samm

    Thanks for your reply. I'm glad that people here understand, although I wouldn't wish this on you or anyone else.

    I go through periods of isolating and then immersing myself with people. I don't know which is better, but isolating seems to at least be a bit easier. I'm just tired of it all, tired of the instability, tired of not knowing what the next hour is going to bring.

    Will you let me know how the DBT goes? I want to investigate that more, I am on the waiting list for CBT, but I don't believe it will be very helpful. I hadn't heard of DBT until I started researching BPD more thoroughly, and I think it will be more helpful than CBT. I have a new counsellor to talk to in the New Year, but I contacted her feeling that she would not be enough - she is going to help me find some resources so that I can begin to get back on track.

    I hope that recognising my actions is the first step, I would rather be treated and stop the cycle of hurt than remain untreated.

    Sending you all manner of strength

  4. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    Yes, DBT incorporates CBT into it's therapy.
    So therefore I think it can be more beneficial than CBT alone.
    I will let you know how it goes.
    Fell free to add me as a friend. :)
    I wish you the best.
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Definitely and its the biggest step. Once you become aware of your own actions, you're on the path to healing.
    I don't have BPD (I'm Bipolar) so I can't give any advice specific to that but I can tell you my own experiences of telling people that I have a mental health problem
    I never used to discuss it at all but I made a conscious decision about 10 years ago that I was going to be open about it and I would tell people when I met them. I also made the decision to tell them how it affects me and how it changes my behaviour.
    I have never regretted that decision. My life became a lot easier. I did have people who wouldn't speak to me again because they were frightened by the thought of mental health problems but I realised that was ignorance more than anything and was quite glad that it was so easy to recognise. I don't want people like that in my life anyway.
    Other people have been so accepting and want to learn more so that they can support me both in work and at home. My friends know that when I hit a bad depression I can hide away for months and not speak to them. They don't take offence, they understand its the illness and they wait for me to come out of the depression. People at work know that if I walk past them in a daze it's not because I'm ignoring them. My colleagues are incredibly supportive and I'm blessed to work with such people.
    I'm also asked to talk to other people at work and act as a 'mental health buddy' to give them support in the office. I explain mental illness to managers who may have someone join their team who has health problems.
    In fact all in all, being open about my illness has changed my life for the better.
    Stay strong. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you're on the path to healing already.
    Have a fab New Year xxxxx
  6. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Samm, I will :)

    Hi Catherine,

    Thank you so much for your reply. I think it's wonderful that you took that step to tell people, and that it has affected you positively. I have been very open with a few people about my mental health, and they are usually very supportive. I think I've been thrown for a loop because I've recently fallen out with a friend who I have told absolutely everything to, and it doesn't seem to have been accepted very well. She also has bipolar, and I've been trying very hard to remember that she has her own issues, but it still hurts a great deal that she cannot support and accept. I would love to be open with more people, but the BPD tendencies in me make me so scared people will reject me that I find it difficult to open up - and that I've been rejected by people with their own issues and who knew all about mine takes me further backwards rather than forwards. I'm hoping that with some treatment in the New Year I will learn to control this a bit better, and once I have some strategies, that I can then begin to be more open. I think this forum has been a great starting block for that - to begin to be open with people who really do understand. :hug: and thank you again :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2011
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm glad that I could help in some way :) I'm sure that learning new coping strategies with be of huge benefit and I'm really glad that you're taking a pro active stance on your healing process.
    I'm sorry that you feel your friend can't accept your situation. If she's bi polar then you'd think she might have more understanding but then again, she may be in the depressed cycle and it's actually nothing to do with your issues at all. When I get depressed I don't talk to anyone. Since I mentor quite a few people with mental health issues, this is one of the things that they have to accept about me. It isn't that I don't want to help and support them, its that I can't physically do it because of the depressive cycle. Once I come out of the cycle, I'm okay again and able to get back on track with the friendship.
    Its very odd but I've found that the people that I mentor start 'mentoring' me back when I get ill. I get more support from them than anyone but its because they are happy to leave me alone when I need to be alone and don't refuse my friendship when I come back 'to reality'.
    Your friend will get there in the end. It just might take longer than it would with someone who doesn't have mental health problems.
    The fear of rejection is always there when you tell someone about the illness but I've chosen to look at that as a good thing. If someone rejects me because of the illness, then I don't want to know them anyway. I consider it an early warning system to get rid of the people who might hurt me in the long run, lol.
    Stay positive and stay strong and don't hesitate to pm me if you need support

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