Brain Tumor, Heart Failure, and My Wife Left Me After 7 years.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by phillipflippo, Jun 2, 2012.

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  1. phillipflippo

    phillipflippo New Member

    Today has been a difficult day in the middle of a difficult week for me. I have never been one for outreach and forums stuff but after my docs told me that I might die in as few as two weeks and my wife left me, well suffice it to say that I needed to reach out and hear from others. I was reading the thread about the first and last thing everyday that you think of being suicide and I knew this would be a helpful place.

    I think that people have emotional baselines, you know in general I think people may go all over the emotional spectrum but always land back on generally happy, generally sad, generally depressed, generally weird, or whatever and I am generally happy ans a person. But after being sentenced to an unknown demise and having the only real light in my life leave me because she couldn't handle the stress of my existence, I shut down hard. I dont sleep or eat very well or at all sometimes, I always have stuff during the day to occupy me briefly but as soon as I return to my home... , I am going to die soon (maybe) anyways, the person who was supposed to be there for me in sickness and in health bailed, I just dont know what to do to "enhance" my eventual return to my house enough to not.

    My therapist (who i have only seen twice) just wants to tell me that its my childhood coming to haunt me, and that I have so much to be thankful for so I should just focus on that. But to me thats like saying, "stop being depressed buddy its just easier that way," it honestly just seems easier to stop fighting my bad luck and kill myself. Facing my mortality at 25 is difficult, and hell I even think that if I wait long enough, things will probably get better if I don't die, but why care.

    I suppose if I have anythings to ask the universe it is why keep going, people often ask me what I think the meaning of life is, and my response " to collect information and experiences for no particular reason" I mean its lame but seems fairly accurate. But when you experiences and information all turn to black soul suffocating shit whats the point.

    What do you guys look forward to everyday, how do you keep your self from pulling the trigger, how do you move on. Aside from time (which I may not even have) how do you sleep for fucks sake, im so tired.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I think there has to be a balance between what is normal grieving and attempts to re-normalize is normal, after the tremendous losses you have experienced to feel as you do...feeling and acting are two very distinctly different behaviors...without highjacking your thread, I am also experiencing many physical losses...and the 'you can be hit by a truck at any time' alternative to grieving was not helpful to me...what does you physician say about any meds to assist you in sleeping (at nite)...our biological clocks are so fragile, and without the proper sleep and nutrition, what is now contextual, may become a more deep depression...please speak to him/her about this...about being told this is your childhood...hog have potentially lost your health and your wife...the here and now is what is affecting you...maybe another therapist is indicated, one who deals with adult acquired traumas......about your wife leaving you...I am virtually speechless which is a rare occurrence for me...not sure whether to view this as shameful or very pathological, but in either case, how painful...sickness and in health??? were it the other way around, from how you sound, you would not have left her...although it does not fill the void, please know, this is clearly her ______(again at a loss for words) as a person....I am so glad you decided to post and hope you find the support you deserve here...please PM me if I can be there for you as I truly know what illness can do to decay what one thinks are intimate relationships and also can share the grieving that I am going through...much caring
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Depression happens to the best of us. You may be right about everybody having baselines, though much of our baselines are based on our life experience. I don't think I was always depressed, I think it's something that happened to me as a result of my life. I try to stay upbeat, or at the very least unsuicidal, by telling myself that my depression is curable - not with pills or anything like that, but by finding what I desire in life to be happy. Obviously your situation is unique, as all of ours are... you have a lot on your plate right now. It's understandable that you would feel depressed, even if you are normally a happy person. Things often happen in life that are beyond our control, and these unexpected circumstances can destroy everything we had based our life and happiness on. That's a risk we all must face, regardless of our situation. Everybody dies in the end, there's no getting around that fact. For some of us, that is a comforting thought. For others, it's a frightening prospect. I can't speak for everyone obviously, but for me, I look forward to the day that I am no longer miserable and discontent with my life. Now, that day may never come, but I have to convince myself that it will, or at least can. For if I accept defeat and accept that my life will always be pain and emptiness, then I will never be able to face another day. I continue to survive because I am searching and striving for something better, as hopeless as it may seem at times... I really don't have anything to lose. I'm going to die anyway - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. I could give up and rush into it, throw myself at the mercy of my own mortality, or I could continue to trudge on, in the hopes that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't just the headlight of another train coming to run me down.

    I am sorry for all that has happened to you in recent days, and I hope that you are able to live a long and full life. I realize that you may still have love for your wife, so I will hold back from saying anything negative about her, but if you are able to overcome the odds and outlive your doctor's expectations, I hope that you are able to find another who will not abandon you in your time of need - or whatever it is that you once sought and desired out of life. Surely we all want something from life, and above all, we all want to stop feeling pain.
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