Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Will, Jun 12, 2007.

  1. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I guess I'm here again, sitting alone. I'm alone again. I'm not here again. And I lied again.

    I feel like the more I try, the more it means nothing at all. Why is it when I look to the shadows around me, that I am nothing to them. At the end of the day, I can't feel my hands, my body, I can't feel anything. I can't even cry anymore. I wish I could.

    I'm wounded, again. And it's just losing small bits at a time. And sometimes I just want to end it all. But I guess I don't have a total will for suicide. I'm too selfish for that.

    But that's not light. It's just more darkness. I guess if I can't find a way out of my own Oblivion, what will helping others do? What will LIVING do?

    The uselessness of my soul is almost comforting, anymore. I don't know how many years...well, actually, I don't think I've EVER gotten a hug and felt it. Physical Contact I felt loved.

    I guess most people would think I'd feel bad about my mom and dad never being there. Actually it doesn't hurt. Though in some ways, maybe it does. I know I never had anyone to look up to. I made myself. But then again, I didn't do a good job.

    My mom was never there, she's completely lost it. My dad's dead, and the rest of my family is screwed up. Really, what am I? I'm nothing. I'm a half-reflection of my family. And I really don't feel anything anymore. Sometimes it scares me that I can be so heartless. That I can be so cold, to my own family. But it's truth, I cannot say I don't.

    I'm just an awful person. My heart is heavy, and I can't live easily.

    I'm only asked on a rare occasion if I'm okay. And even a more rare occasion I'm honest. I'm sorry for lying. It's just that I don't want to take too much attention.

    I'm aware I've rarely been given attention...but any is too much for me. I've realized enough to say that I was not meant to be heard. I'm just the silent existence.

    So if I left this world, I'd be nothing at all to the world. If I slit my wrists tonight, and everyone here...I wouldn't be remembered. I know there are atleast a dozen people I'd miss. They don't even know I exist. It hurts sometimes, and I can't feel myself. I can't believe how cold reality is.

    But then in the end, I'm at peace, because these people wouldn't care. No damage. It's like the best way to leave, because they will never be sad, and I atleast knew them. It hurts to say that.

    Let me apologize...for what I'm about to say....

    But I do not want anyone to love me.

    Sometimes I can lay around, just doing nothing. Thinking, about all these things. I cannot break free from the chains that bond me. I'm in the darkest place, and I cannot see a way out. And somehow I can keep myself hidden from everyone.

    There's not a point in living, a life like this....I shouldn't be alive. Someone could've used this life better. But look at me, I'm this person. I've accomplished nothing, I've hurt, and damaged people. I've lost everything.

    I don't want to feel, sometimes. Because I know that it's so different, I don't think I'd fit it. I already don't with everyone. I guess I can't find anywhere I belong.

    Everyone just seems to pass, straight through. I don't even exist. I'd die a silent death, that I would. And I know that no one would notice. That's okay, though. I hate myself. I hate every detail, every thing about myself. I want to make myself bleed, until I can't anymore. Until I can't see anymore. Until I can't breathe anymore. Until I can feel again.

    I can't talk with anyone here. I can't talk with anyone anywhere else. Is this because of what I've become? Did I just screw up all my life, and now I can't do anything right?

    I don't know how bad my heart desires, for me to just say once, "I'm not okay". But I am okay. I am here. And that's all I'm living on.

    I'm sorry. I'm sorry, SF. I'm sorry to anyone I know. Obviously I am not suited for this life. I believed, that maybe there was atleast one place, where people might...well, I guess I'm just a little too hopeful. I'm sorry if I am insulting you. I did not mean to. I'm just blaming myself. Any anger is at my self.

    But it's okay, people may hurt me if they want to. They can tell me they hate me, that I should die. They can tell me anything. Because I can probably agree to it in more then one degree. In fact I hope it would help them.

    Heh, hate me, destroy me. I don't have any reason to keep myself alive, please use what little left of me. If it will help you, then please, do so. I don't care to do much with my life. I only wish to really, just...die. I don't want anything. Not anymore.

    Ignore these few words from me. I'm sorry, I let them slip out.
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Aww, Billy hon.. :sad: :hug:
  3. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Billy. Look, I know you don't "want attention" or whatever.

    But I'm not saying this in order to shower you in attention or anything...

    I'm saying it because I genuinely care. If you ever feel badly, don't think you can't talk to me. You're not wasting my time or whatever you think. You're a good guy, a good friend. I give a shit. I know you'll say I shouldn't, but I do. :dry:

    Take care of yourself, eh? Or at least try to.

    I'm around. :hug:
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug:
  5. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Thanks Jess. :hug:

    I know, thanks for understanding. I always accuse myself of being an attention seeker, so I avoid it as much as possible. I hope that I am not.

    Hehe, 'or try to'. Always so blunt:tongue:...better to be then not. You're a good friend too. And I know that...I must get discouraging, and am pretty hard to cheer up, but thanks for sticking around. I'm always here too, okay?

    You too. Atleast try to:tongue:

    :hug: Hope you're well soon O.G. We await your return to the throne.
  6. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Hey... I'm still here...

    Can you do something for me? To just, read these words, and really take them in, let them touch your heart... please? As I did with yours...

    I'm sorry... I know that I owe you so much. And just, for me, and everyone around you... it's not your fault, Billy, nothing ever falls down to one person. I owe you... so many sorry's, so many words that I should have given, all this time...

    I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I made you sad. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I never, EVER wanted to do any of those things. But just, all that comes to... over and over again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...

    I wish you'd know...

    There's so much contained in my heart, that I want, need to say to you. I have so much locked up inside, that I always wanted to share with you, but I just can't... couldn't. I don't know, I've never been able to say anything to anybody. And everything I ever feel, experience... all my emotions, all my tears, held inside.

    I have talked to you, right? I shared myself with you... But, damn, I'm just a fool. I never know what time is for what, I never know what to do, never say the right thing, at the right time, never... I wish I could stop being so selfish. I wish we could talk again, like we had, like we... always wanted.

    Would you talk to me, if you could, Billy?... Would you share your heart... all, everything, locked up inside... would you show me?

    I've screwed up so many times... but all I can ask for are second chances. Or third, fourth, a thousanth chance. I don't want to give up. I never want to give up. Because what's at stake... you... me... us... I can't, I can't let that go. Because... that's my world. YOU'RE my world...

    Heh, can you hear me?...

    Don't you know...? How badly... every night I go and stand by my window. Around ten, eleven. Which would be 3-4 around there... And, it's dark where I am. A dark night sky covered with clouds. Bare glimmer of stars, rarely any moon... And, I just stand there and look outside, in your direction. Heh, Colorado... we're some 3000 miles away, huh?

    I remember just calling there once... just, in your direction... Heh, it's... I just said, many times, 'Can you hear me?...' Of course, it's like... impossible. But, I don't know... I guess I just wanted you to. From my heart to yours... I just wanted you to feel it.

    I said alot of things then. But, heh... The message is delivered.

    I wish, so so badly, I was with you... That I AM, can BE, with you... Heh, do you know, Billy? I think about you, every second of the day, every possible moment... All I ever think about, is you... I just, every detail, heh... Your personality, all your stories... past and present... and alot, the future... your humor... your emotions, thoughts?... I wonder alot... and then, heh, physical. Your figure... hands, face, eyes... The most incredible eyes I've ever seen... Your gaze and your touch, your... everything... just you, Billy. You, only you...

    Please... Believe me, ok? I've thought, so many times... if somehow, somehow we could be together. I've had weird, crazy thoughts, just... heh, fly over and be together...


    Heh, wouldn't that be awesome?...

    I'd love to just... hug... hold each other...

    All I'm trying to say...

    I love you... Billy... heh. You stole my heart... hold it in your hands... this, amazing guy... I just don't know how to describe...

    Please... please, stay with me. I want you to be here... I want you to live, I need you. My world, my life... how can I live without you? I don't know what I'd do, Billy... I can't take back my emotions, I would NEVER love anyone else. I can't... Heh, we've just... our own bond is too strong. All our memories... emotions... Those little moments when I just... we... really feel. Heh, there's so many, I can't list them now. But surely you remember?... surely...?

    There is no darkness in you. Heh... we all have our own poison. Come on... Can you hear me? Still?... You can feel, I just... wish you could share. I wish we could really, truly trust each other... I wish you'd TELL me... I wish you could... I wish you'd believe me when I say... all that I mean. I love you...

    Don't die, Billy... you don't deserve that, you've got so much in you... Potential to exploit, and become ANYTHING you want. I believe in you. I don't want to see you die... I can't watch you kill yourself. Even not literally...

    I really, really want to help turn this around, but I am... bleh, I'm so useless. But I'm giving you all I can offer... Keep going, please don't stop trying. It's okay to feel... It's okay to love, to cry, to hate even... Just be yourself, Billy, please... you're such an awesome person. You're nice... You have a will, a strong passion... You have imagination, and perseverence... You can do ANYTHING you want. Don't throw yourself away...

    An endless void... but you're everything, Billy, you can beat it. You can heal yourself... Heh, if only you'd let people help... If only...

    If only so many things...

    Just never, ever let yourself down. And that's only true when you give up. You can make a mistake, but try again. Failure only exists when you don't give anymore. And it's not forever... You might feel down one day, but all it takes is you. Just, always to still hang on, always... keep trying, keep hoping, keep dreaming. Never let go of what's important to you.

    Heh, I mean seriously... you're cool, you're like, a seriously worthwhile person, I am the one who's just... totally, totally useless. You're creative, and imaginative, and funny, the most awesome stories, the most awesome person... Ok? Seriously... You got alot to live for, but most of all for yourself.

    And... I am always here. I'm sorry I'm... useless. I just ever say a load of crap... but I want you to understand, ok? I need you... and there's something worth living for.

    I know these words aren't much... I just wish you'd believe... Heh... I love you... hopefully that still means something. I'm still here... I still want to know you, want you to be able to... tell me whatever you want. Still trying...

    I love you... I'm still here... Heh, forever and always, right?...