...in more ways than one. One spends the hours waiting for a lunch break.... spends the days waiting to go home... spends time at home waiting to get diversion from the hellish tedium... spends the weeks waiting for the weekends. One spends the months waiting for holiday breaks... school years waiting for graduation. Work waiting for vacations... rest of life waiting to retire... retired life waiting to... die..? And why? Just to get respite? And what does one do with that respite? What do I[i/] do with that respite? Isolate myself, read with nothing gained, curl up in blankets and douse myself in thought. I drink until I'm sick and smoke until I'm dissociated. I socialize a bit... but only with people who, in the end, are bad for me. But everyone is bad for me. People don't care about your being miserable. I'm the only one to whom it really matters. I would die, but i love someone. i love several people. But I fucking can't do this... things have been shit for ages and it's probably my fault. i don't measure up. but I don't have the energy for lifestyle changes or anything. i can't do it all alone even thoguh I'm supposed to and always have. I'm burning my epidermis to an indecipherable mess right now. It's the only thing that gives me a piece of reality to lean on. It lets me know I'm here; validation of existence. I could be dying... and god knows I am.... and no one is willing to give me a break from their constant expectations. I'm just a product of biological processes anyway.... who cares.... I feel like giving up on faith... Hypocritical me; i tell people not to. I've been religious for years, and very private about it. It's always been the one thing to hold me together because I'm too weak not to have anything at all. I can't give up on faith.... I don't know.... I can't have nothing at all. It hurts too much. I just don't know what to do.... and I can't bother anyone else with my bitching. So more drinkign, I guess. Nothing else... not therapy... not drugs (prescribed or otherwise)... not anything can help or has help. NOTHING dims the intensity of the pain. Some people are just hell-bound and there's nothing you can do to fix it. god... why can't i just die while in the heinous nightmares of sleep? I got the results of an exam today. The first time I've ever failed anything in my life.