Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by vbuk, Mar 27, 2007.

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  1. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni


    im not really sure what to write. i know i have to. i just need to write something. things have been pretty bad and i cant talk about it. i dont know why. there are loads of things that i have to do, emails i have to write. just so many things. but i cant. i cant find any feelings about anything. i feel so selfish. i know that its the depression thats doing this. i know. i just not sure what to do.

    i feel like i have to do so many things. such as stop coming on here, stop talking to people. i know i put people down. i just need people i guess. i dont know. Everytime things feel bad on top of me i keep going for a drive. which isnt good. i just try and drive really fast. i just need to get the anger and hurt out of me.

    i wasnt sure where to post this so im sorry if its in the wrong place.

    today i went to the coast and just walked up and down. then i sat by the sea and cried. i dont know why. it just all got on top of me. i dont know what to do.

    im not sure whats happening to me. i think im breaking down. i dont think ive done this before. so i dont know if it is a breakdown. i just dont know. im really scared of what is happening to me.

    i know this is very selfish and i shouldnt be talking about me - im just not sure what else to do.

    Clare x
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    its not selfish at all
    im sorry you are feeling so abd
    i really think u need to see someone clare hun
    i am always still here if you are prepared to let me in
    still love you
    sam xxxxxxxxxx
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Aw honey, it sounds like things are so tough for you at the moment.

    Please don't feel bad for posting, it's good that you reached out. Has getting it out helped at all?

    Driving is really dangerous, especially if you are taking risks. Remember that on the roads you are not just risking yourself, you are risking others. (ok, lecture over).

    Having said that, going to the beach and crying is really positive (I used to do a similar thing). Crying in itself is good, and if the beach feels like a safe place, then that's brilliant.

    Do you have any help or support? Have you been to the docs? If you are on meds, maybe they are not working. Could they be changed or increased? If not, is it something you will consider? Maybe therapy might help, or a different therapy.

    Has anything triggered this? Sometimes a stressful event can trigger all this behaviour, or sometimes it can be a build up of lots of things, or the illness itself doing this.

    Keep trying to reach out, post as much as you need to, PM friends, talk to people in real life, family, or friends, doctors, therapists, anyone that you feel safe talking to.

    If you want to PM me, then feel free.

    Hang in there honey
  4. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    thank you

    i know i need to do something. i keep wishing i could do it without. so many people tell to get help. i dont want to have therapy. i really dont. it scares me so much.

    ive thought alot about medication. but ive heard that that can make things worse. a guy at work has being really horrible lately and his excuse is his medication. i dont want to be like that.

    Clare x
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You know deep down that you need help, so the sooner you get it, the sooner you will start to feel better.

    What scares you about therapy?

    Meds can make the world of difference. It can take a while to get the right med/dosage or whatever, and the short term side effects can be nasty, but they should not last for too long. If you are feeling so vile anyway, do you lose anything by trying?

    Maybe you could just go to the doc and talk about your options, then you will be able to make a decision about what you want to do to help yourself get better. At least then you would know where you stand.

    Maybe now its getting to the point where you are so desperate you go?

    I hope you do. No one deserves to feel as bad as you do right now.

    Hang in there
  6. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    there r so many things i have to change about myself. i think when i do i will start to feel better.

    i dont know why im scared of therapy. its just something ive never liked the idea of and never really want to do it. so i have to find other options. last time i went to my docs he said he didnt want to put me on drugs.

    im not sure what to do anymore.

    ive upset someone by having my car and i hate myself for it. today when i was driving back it was a really winding road and i went pretty fast. i didnt really care what happened to me (or the car) i just feel like i dont deserve to live. im made alot of mistakes lately. i wish i could rectify them but im doing so so bad at it.

    im sorry
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Maybe you ar scared of what will happen in therapy? A lot of people are scared of the idea of therapy without even knowing the true facts about it.

    Maybe you could ask your doc what he is willing to do that could help you (if he is still not willing to give you meds). Or maybe talk to another doctor.

    Everyone makes mistakes, it's a part of life. We often feel guilty for mistakes. Most likely your depression is making you dwell on the negative things, and the things that bother you the most. Probably when you start to feel better these things will bother you less.

    If you really have to set things right, like it's really important, then maybe make a spider diagram with you in the middle and all the mistakes you need to rectify around the outside, and then around the outside of that, how you can rectify these mistakes in a positive manner.

    Hold on honey, you have a lot of people here that care for you and want to help if you will let us.

    Take care
  8. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    chocolate cake and ice cream. makes everything seem better for a while!

    i just cant handle everything thats happened this year. its being a horrible time.
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you want to tell us about it?
  10. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    its just things that ill be repeating. this year ive known 5 people died. including my grandad and a close family friend who has been in my life for ever. my gran isnt doing so good - she has dementia/altziemers (spelling probably wrong). she knows someone is missing but cant place who or why. and my other gran is going in for an operation in a coulple of weeks.

    my uncle did some really bad things last year and things have been brought up and i feel ver uncomfy around him.

    also my other uncle who abandoned his family 11 years ago is now back. im not sure how to feel about it.

    Clare x
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That is an awful lot of stuff to be dealing with.

    I am so sorry about your losses. I too have lost some friends really important to me and a loss of any kind hurts so so much. I can't imagine what you are going through.

    Are you able to talk to anyone in your family? Or anyone at school/work? Just to vent it out?

    If you feel uncomfortbale with your uncle maybe try not to be with him alone, or try to avoid him altogether until you feel safer.

    It sounds like a lot of issues there that are causing you confusion and hurt and fear. Maybe you need to try and find a way to address those if you can.
  12. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    and now a friend of mine - someone who i feel is a good friend has blocked me.
  13. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry ok

    i dont know what else to say.

    im sorry. for being me. for hurting you. for doing wht i THOUGHT was right and messing up again. for everything.

    i told u i am always here for u..that u can email me anytime.

    stuffs happened in the last few days, stuff i havent managed to tell u about, i am hardly talking to anyone. i am hurting too much and having such a hard time.

    i tried to help you tonight and you didnt want me to.

    all ive gotten since our row is quick, mainly yes/no answers. i cant help but feel you dont want to talk to me.

    please tell me what else i can do cos i really am at a loss now.

  14. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    i think i should just get out of everybodies way
  15. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni


    i assume that friend was me?
  16. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    im falling. i can feel it. im so so scared and i dont know what to do. cant stop shaking.
  17. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    i am so so scared. i just wana end it. i cant stop crying or shaking. ive screwed up. messed everything up. oh god this is so bad. im sorry
  18. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: :arms: :hug: :hug:

    You know I'm here if you ever need to talk hun :)
  19. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    ur a gent - but im not sure theres much n e one can do hun
  20. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i know what you're feeling but please remember it's just a feeling. it too shall pass. i know therapy sounds scary it sounded that way to me to when i first began going but now i really hold on to. it gives me someone to talk to when i have no one else around. it's just one of the small things i try to hold on to.

    i know there is alot going on right now but it's not going to keep up that way. if you want to talk further feel free to pm. i've been down a very long dark dark road and i think you'll find i can relate more than you can imagine.

    in the meantime please take care of yourself and continue to talk it's what helps keep us going. take care
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