This is my first time posting here. I really don't know where else to turn. I don't have insurance to see a therepist, and my friends, my significant other, and family have chosen to bury their heads in the sand and feed me cliched lines. I am 29 years of age with two small children. My significant other is not a very good provider, and while he pays half the bills I end up having to pay for everything our children need including clothing, cribs, toys, food, ect. He does buy diapers now and then but I mostly pay for those too... I was offered, by my boss, a position to work from home as a contractor when I got pregnant and took it. It was the biggest mistake of my life. As soon as my contract was up they builled me into ethier cutting my pay in half or losing my job. I took the cut. It has been hell making ends meet but somehow I have been pulling through. My contract just went up again and after having been told by the CEO that I was going to be given more hours and a raise for a month now, I was told that my position was no longer needed. I was with these people for five years, and they do this to me... Not to mention because of the large raise I was being offered I went out and bought things we needed for the house with the little I had left in our savings account. Things I can no longer return. I am totally freaking out. My significant other keeps telling me I need to hurry up and figure something out. I have tried, I really have but I can't. I can not get unemployment because a contractor is considered a self-employed person. I can not just go out and look for another job outside the house ethier as I have no car and no babysitter for my infant and toddler. The bus doesn't run all that far away from here but I can't realistically imagine dragging two car seats that far, especially once it starts to snow. I have no idea how I am going to take care of my children now. I feel like a complete failure as a mother, a partner, and a human being. I can't help but wonder if my children wouldn't be better off without me. If I were dead, at least they would get a check once a month which is more than I can do for them now and they are young enough in which they won't remember me so it wouldn't traumatize them that much. I don't feel like I am worthy of them. I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt before and I know that I am heading in that direction rapidly. I have told this to my significant other and my mom. I was told to get over it. I can't. I feel more useless and worthless with each passing day. I feel so crippled by the weight of my depression that I don't even take care of myself anymore. All I have the energy left to do is care for my kids. I spend every day tormented by this. I don't know how much longer until it devours me whole.