Breaking Down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by facelessmom, Oct 14, 2006.

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  1. facelessmom

    facelessmom New Member

    This is my first time posting here. I really don't know where else to turn. I don't have insurance to see a therepist, and my friends, my significant other, and family have chosen to bury their heads in the sand and feed me cliched lines. I am 29 years of age with two small children.

    My significant other is not a very good provider, and while he pays half the bills I end up having to pay for everything our children need including clothing, cribs, toys, food, ect. He does buy diapers now and then but I mostly pay for those too... I was offered, by my boss, a position to work from home as a contractor when I got pregnant and took it. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

    As soon as my contract was up they builled me into ethier cutting my pay in half or losing my job. I took the cut. It has been hell making ends meet but somehow I have been pulling through. My contract just went up again and after having been told by the CEO that I was going to be given more hours and a raise for a month now, I was told that my position was no longer needed. I was with these people for five years, and they do this to me...

    Not to mention because of the large raise I was being offered I went out and bought things we needed for the house with the little I had left in our savings account. Things I can no longer return. I am totally freaking out.

    My significant other keeps telling me I need to hurry up and figure something out. I have tried, I really have but I can't. I can not get unemployment because a contractor is considered a self-employed person. I can not just go out and look for another job outside the house ethier as I have no car and no babysitter for my infant and toddler. The bus doesn't run all that far away from here but I can't realistically imagine dragging two car seats that far, especially once it starts to snow.

    I have no idea how I am going to take care of my children now. I feel like a complete failure as a mother, a partner, and a human being. I can't help but wonder if my children wouldn't be better off without me.

    If I were dead, at least they would get a check once a month which is more than I can do for them now and they are young enough in which they won't remember me so it wouldn't traumatize them that much. I don't feel like I am worthy of them. I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt before and I know that I am heading in that direction rapidly.

    I have told this to my significant other and my mom. I was told to get over it. I can't. I feel more useless and worthless with each passing day. I feel so crippled by the weight of my depression that I don't even take care of myself anymore. All I have the energy left to do is care for my kids.

    I spend every day tormented by this. I don't know how much longer until it devours me whole.
  2. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    Your thread made me cry. I don't really know how to help, I'm an eighteen-year-old male and the only thing we have in common is one suicide attempt.

    But I can tell you that children, especially children raised by an emotionally mature mother such as yourself that's been through extreme pain and thus can truly feel the pain of others, won't care about money, won't judge you on whether or not their mother provided enough for them. Please don't leave them, I know they'd rather have a mother than a welfare check.

    If nothing else, there are part-time entry-level positions that will pay more than that check. I made 9.50 usd an hour at age 16, you just need to find motivation.
  3. NoMotiv

    NoMotiv Active Member

    Hey mom,

    You seem like a very good and loving mom who loves her children very much. I am sure your children would reject any check if that meant losing you, it can never replace the love and care you give them.

    Having debts and not knowing how to make ends meet is tough, but dont give up. Find a job, Im sure there is something out there. Get a familymember, friend or neighbour to look after your kids someday and get out there. It will not only help solve your financial problems, but it will also increase your self-esteem.

    Good luck, I think you will find a way to pull through.
  4. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Hey mum,

    Your children need you, even if you feel like your doing a crap job. Before i was born, my mothers best friend, Jackie, commited suicide. She had a daughter who was about 9 at the time, Kelly. Kelly was friends with my dads childeren because mum lived with Jackie so they used to come around a lot. The kids all grew very close and still are today in there 20's. I dont know kelly as well as everyone else bcause im a lot younger but i do know that since her mum died, even tho she had nothing to do with her death, she blames her self. She was depressed and was struggling with thoughts of suicide. Do you want your children to go thru that?

    Kelly, because of her mum, has had a pretty crazy life. She has stopped herself doing things because shes afraid and doesnt trust everyone in case she loses them. Kelly would do anything to get her mum back, even if it was to get rid of every possesion she owns. Your kids would NEVER want money more than you. Every child needs a mother, including me, and your children. If i lost my mum there would always be a dead, hurting, part of me. Do you want your children to go thru that?

    i agree with what the last person said - sorry cant remember your name - you should ask a friend, nieghbour or family member to watch your children for a day or so and go and look for a new job. It will help you in more than just a financial way. you and your partner sound like you need to talk, seriously. speak to him about the way you feel and tell him you cant get over it just like that, explain to him whats going on and what problems your having, he needs to understand. Maybe you should try and seek a councellor, there great to talk to and even if its over the fone or if its for just an hour a week, its a good place to start.

    All the best, take care, Ally x
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