breaking point

[Wastingecho]

don't want to do this any more

no friends, no respect

now work has given me more things to fix that i just spent hours going over with someone and i still don't understand it so i can't fix it and this is what my life has come to?

i am completely useless, totally worthless, cannot contribute a damned thing

they have had to take back so many problems that i just don't understand and it's making me sick to realize that i am nothing any more

can't breathe from the stress and realization

actually told someone how this was all making me feel and ALMOST told them how badly i wanted to be DEAD!!!!

i've put my stash in my pocket - going to go out and pick up others things

maybe i fuck this up too, maybe it works

trying to keep going does nothing but hurt and i need it to stop

DAMMIT I NEED IT TO FUCKING STOP!!

 

[scaryforest]

have they commented on your performance?

 

[Wastingecho]

has nothing to do with it

i can tell when i'm failing - i can tell that they have no use for me - that i'm just a waste of flesh taking up space

already alone, unwanted

tears in front of my coworker

feels like every piece of me is dead

 

[scaryforest]

it has a lot to do with it.
do they then?

and what do they do when you cry

 

[Wastingecho]

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
And to another give my seat
For that's the only painless feat

 

[Wastingecho]

how do I make it stop?

how do I get my brain to be quiet?

alone in bed and my thoughts keep coming back to death

don't know how to fight this any more

if they tell HR about my state of mind at work, they'll try to force me back to the doctor - to the hospital

I can't do that again

i'm scared

 

[youRprecious!]

W - even knowing that there are people who are thinking about you and sending healing thoughts your way can be a start to help your mind be at peace. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes here, and remembering when I wanted to do the same 17 years ago - I told myself things like "I KNOW that this is not the real me. What I'm experiencing now can be made better" and then open yourself up to everything that presents itself to you as positive, and reject anything negative.

I know it's easy to type remedies into text boxes when you're not the person actually living it - but believe me, I have lived it in the past and so have heaps of empathy for what you are going through W. I will always be here to help talk you through it

 

[Wastingecho]

difference is in my heart I KNOW i'm useless and that i've been pretending otherwise for a long, long time

tired of having to lie to myself especially when evidence of the truth is constantly in front of me

 

[WildCherry]

You aren't useless, and there are people who care.

 

[Wastingecho]

not useless?

first thing when i get to work there's a new problem - just a simple question, should have taken 5 minutes

3 hours - someone else could have answered this in 5 minutes and it took me 3 hours

head hurts, chest hurts, eyes hurt

sick and tired of fighting - for what? for this? for the privilege of being miserable?

 

[Wastingecho]

dammit - can't stop shaking - can't even tell what i'm feeling any more

they aren't listening to me

do they think i WANT to tell them that i don't understand? that i don't know how to fix this problem?

 

[Wastingecho]

son's birthday was 2 weeks ago - daughters are out with him now chipping in to get him a new PC

i got a copy of frozen today that i bought myself

happy fucking birthday to me

least important person in everyone's life

 

[Wastingecho]

i tried

wanted to reach to someone - anyone

can't bring myself to text anyone - afraid to try

can't call anyone - not that many people who would talk to me anyway and i don't want the last memory of me to be about how i feel now

i'm all alone and it's all my fault - i know that

no one wants me at work

no one wants me at home

don't want to wake up in the morning

 

[WildCherry]

Here and listening, just want you to know that. You can call or text anytime.

 

[youRprecious!]

Yes, we want you here W, so glad to know that you are still here

 

[Wastingecho]

everything at work was wrong - nothing i could fix, nothing i could handle - feeling more and more broken

then i get home - beaten and tired - and no one else at home remembered to make dinner - so now i have to improvise dinner because nothing i use is thawed

after, i'm exhausted - want to rest - they decide to play uno - i can't, i just can't play a game right now and they keep pushing and pushing - told them point blank to back the hell off

now they're all mad at me because i said no

head is killing me, heartsick, have to keep going to work because if i let this make me stay home once i won't go back, i won't keep going at all

tired of this, tired of breathing

 

[youRprecious!]

am so very sorry that this is what you're faced with W; I pray for your strength and that insights will help you to try and put some pieces together. I know what it feels like to be at the end of the rope - but time has passed and I'm not there any more - I promise the same can happen for you

 

[WildCherry]

:hug:

 

[Wastingecho]

I don't matter

 

[WildCherry]

You matter to those of us who care about you.