Breaking point.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deleted SKU, Feb 24, 2011.

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  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I think i'm back at the breaking point again. Recently i've managed to keep myself a few steps away, feeling bad, but not that bad, so to speak, but its now back with a vengance. All i keep thinking is it would only take a few seconds to do it, and it's constantly pushing, pressuring me to. It means i have to keep on top of it constantly, go against whatever instinct is driving this thing.

    The worst bit is, is that there is no help out there. I've been through this so many times before i guess it has got boring to others, and i know that no answer will break through this crap. I don't know whether i'll manage it this time or not, i guess more than anything i just want people to know that if i do, this is why, so it's not a surprise. I just want this pain to be over. I wish life could do this one thing for me, and grant me a merciful death. Today is a good day to die.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That may be, but tomorrow may be a good day to live. Even if the odds are stacked completely against that happening, if you die today, you will never see if tomorrow was the day that was going to start turning things around.

    Hun stay here and keep posting. Put the words out in print for you to read. Sometimes re-reading what we posted makes things ease a little. And by posting it here others read it too and you are no longer alone with your struggle. Let's see if we cant help you fight and get through this :arms:
     
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    :smile: Thanks for the reply itmahanh. Today was a good day to die, but i'm still here. But i wonder if its possible for any good days to life that may come, could outweigh the bad... life has to have an acceptable balance, and i don't see that happening.

    Right now though i'm now certain that life is out to screw with me. Almost died today, and wasn't even trying (well that's probably an exaggeration... in fact almost certainly so, but still).
    Almost got run over by a car today, clipped me on my way in to work. I didn't even notice before it happened, no idea what the driver thought he was doing. But made me think if i had left 1 second earlier, i would have been run down, 1 second later, and i wouldn't have even noticed anything happened. Then it made me think if i had noticed, how would i react, would i have tried to move, or stopped? Worst thing though is that besides the obvious thought processes going, i feel... very little about it. Not shocked, or relieved, don't think i'm even disappointed or anything. If i was the sort to read meaning into it, i even don't know what i'd think? Maybe life was trying to make me want to live. Or maybe it was making clear, if i wanted to die, i had to actively make it happen.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Or maybe just that you never know what each new day will bring??? Glad you werent hurt. I know biggest hypocrite around here today. Do as I say not as I do thing going on (lol). But I dont think it's your time hun. You need to keep pushing that life button a little harder. I think you were lucky by that 1 second cuz you still have a lot of fight left in you :arms:
     
  5. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Life is unpredictable, but if you spend every day for a month getting bitten by a dog, and then one morning get bitten by a cat instead, it's unpredictable, but not an improvement! (i think i meant that to make more sense than it did, no idea if it makes my point properly!).

    It's an odd thing about 'being a hypocrite'... most people on here are (and not in a bad way), wanting to save others from what they are seeking, or feeling. But the only ways not to be a hypocrite are to try to live, or to tell others they should die... both seemingly impossible. Don't know, just can't stop thinking about... well anything!

    Sometimes i wonder why i fight. Nothing to fight for, nothing to gain from it. Think its just down to stubbornness.
     
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    This may sound cliche, but I find when I hut those points that just going out and working out really helps. We often times channel that anger back into ourselves. Try channeling it somewhere else.
     
  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I'm more of a channel it into chopping monsters up with swords on xbox games type... but it's not really anger, that's the problem. Anger can be useful, simply because it can be directed, and then spent after a time. Its a general malaise, or even a numbness, a lack of feeling about things i should be feeling things about.
     
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