Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Greying, Oct 5, 2016.

  1. Greying

    Greying Substandard

    Ever get tired, just so tired like you hope tomorrow will be a better day, and then you might have a better day but then it hits you again like a lead balloon, and there is so much to deal with so much in your mind that you cannot stop the downward spiral that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach like living in a nightmare.

    Those lovely few minutes each morning when you wake before reality hits you those are the only moments of peace in your day, and there is only so long that you can keep living like that, yes okay try doing something about it, but isn’t just breathing tiring enough isn’t just trying to live breaking enough. You feel physically crippled by what is happening to you unable to move or react, so you slowly die inside until all that is left of you is a blank empty space that is just about breathing.

    I am tired so tired of hurting, of knowing that I never lived up to expectation that the person who knows me the best despises me that shows what I am really, I am tired of moaning about I am tired of feeling like this I am tired of living and thinking that things might just get better, because I know now I truly know they wont.

    I am tired, and I want to sleep until it stops I want to not wake from this, and I don’t care how that happens I just need it to happen because now it has got to the point where my only comfort would be death my only peace would be death, surely no one can fault that or tell me that is the wrong choice, just try being me for an hour and you would agree.
  2. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member


    Well, maybe I've been you (so to speak) for an hour...

    I read your poem from a few weeks back, and, yes, I understand that kind of childhood silencing. I know the fear of being substandard, the sense of never meeting expectations. I know "those lovely few minutes each morning when you wake before reality hits." There they were this morning and so was reality, which is why I'm here. I know what it is to hurt, to feel wrung out, to wish that life were over.

    I also know that living life according to other people's harsh expectations (and our own!) is a trap.

    I know that people often don't despise us to the degree that we imagine (or sometimes at all). And when they do, it's because of their own wounds, not ours.

    I know that we don't know the future.

    I know that small actions can bring unexpected improvement.

    And I know that suffering isn't always bad. It deepens us, makes us compassionate, gives us a degree of wisdom. Leonard Cohen sings about "the cracks in everything / it's where the light gets in."

    Our suffering means we are human. Some of the most "successful" people in this world are the least human, have you noticed?

    If you could reach out to that little, lost, mute girl you wrote about, could you find some way to be kind to her today?

    Yesterday I took my own good advice for a while (thanks, Dave...) and it helped. Put me in a different frame of mind for a precious few hours. Did it fix the whole mess? No. Not a chance. But in that frame of mind I got some mental rest, and I got on with the business of living, at least for a while. Then something unsettled me again last night--a hurt person, hurting me--and now I must start over.

    Of course the effort feels unwanted, overwhelming. And yet, yesterday, when things were a bit more normal for a while, life was easier. I knew it wouldn't stay that way, but even the memory of those few hours feels precious today. A gift.

    Can you give yourself a reprieve today? Can you consider what might help ease the burden, even for an hour? Or five minutes?
    Greying and mgo like this.
  3. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Yes, I often feel the exact same way. I know you are hurting.

    I will never know your pain, you will never know mine. We both know that each other is hurting , and all we can do is try to help out each other.

    Look to the left, for what I think of you.

    I know that he devastated you. Just know, that I do care about you.

    I really wish I knew some magic words, that would help you. All I can do is stand by you, and hold your hand.

    I love ya girl, to me you are an awesome person. You truly are, you are smart, you are kind, you are silly, you are compassionate. I think you rock =)
    JustCan'tQuit and Greying like this.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi @Greying ,
    I can only offer support and hugs, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I read your initial post a while ago, your story, and it's really beyond me to comment, only that in some way, at least in my own experience, I do believe things do get better over time. xx
  5. Greying

    Greying Substandard

    Thank you @moxman & @Frances M reakly appreciate your words and taking the time to read mine. Can honestly say I've never felt as accepted as I do here.
    Frances M likes this.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    That warmed my heart because I feel the same way :)
    Greying likes this.
  7. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I feel the same way, this place and the people here are so important to me.
    Greying likes this.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @Greying I can most definitely relate to how you are feeling. I know it's tough and might even seem impossible right now but there is always room for improvement, acceptance is an important part of therapy to help you get better, say to yourself ''it is what it is'' and see what you can improve. If you ever need to talk/vent/rant I am usually around. I wish you all the best and you are very brave for opening up here.
  9. Greying

    Greying Substandard

    Hi @Petal

    I wish nobody knew how I was feeling when I wrote that. It makes me feel so guilty to be relieved that I'm not alone but to know other people are suffering too.

    I appreciate your kind words to me and I'll have a think about what you said.

    Thanks again lovely.
    moxman and Petal like this.