Breakup because of Jealousy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SuicidalAgain, Apr 6, 2012.

  1. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    Hey there SF. I came here because I needed support, not because I was feeling suicidal. I used to come here when I was feeling suicidal, but I guess this time it's different, which makes me happy because it shows my progress.

    Now, to the point.

    I have been in this relationship with another guy (homosexual relationship) and everything was going great. Our relationship survived during my depression and I find in him lots of love and support. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him and I want the best for him. Let's call my boyfriend... Matt.

    A few weeks ago an old friend of Matt's started talking to him again. Let's call him John.
    A few years ago I was friends with another guy that was seeing John. My friend told me that John had a boyfriend but was flirting and getting involved with him. THIS is why I don't like John. Because he betrayed his boyfriend. I think he's a bad influence and this is not so much about jealousy because I trust Matt, it's more about the influence that I fear he might have on Matt. I also fear that John wants to have something with Matt. If he didn't care about the relationship he was in, I'm sure as hell he doesn't care about other people's relationships as well. But like Matt told me, people can change. I change too, so I know.

    We have been arguing about this issue for a few days now. We always make up and everything's alright, but then the "jealousy" comes back again and I get weird. He forces me to say what's wrong and I end up saying everything that's tormenting me.

    He broke up with me last night on the computer. Said he needed time to sort himself out. I don't think it's fair, but he just texted me to say that he's coming here later for our big conversation.

    I cried all night and I barely slept. My whole body ached, my heart pounded violently, I couldn't catch my breath and my head was about to explode. I thought I would depress in the morning. I did. I wanted to text him, but because he said that he needed time I wrote in a little notebook he gave to me. Every time I wrote there I felt like I was talking to him, so that calmed me down a little. After crying a bit more in the morning, I decided that depressing about it won't get me anywhere, so I needed to get up and face it like a man. I sent him a long text about how important he is in my life and begged him to come see me today because it's not fair to break up when we're not face to face.

    I admit I gave him a hard time yesterday on the computer, so I understand how he must feel. I must fix this.

    Any advice?
  2. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    :(... I'd explain how you feel about John. But you have to also understand that he can see whomever he wants to see. Granted it would be nice if he understood that you don't like john and don't want that sort of person in your life. But being in a relationship doesn't mean you can dictate to him. You really have to try to explain it to him, and if he still doesn't see it, then you have a choice. Either accept that he is going to do what he wants, or state that talking with this person is too far for your relationship. ... or try to just trust Matt. He's not a baby, so you're gonna have to work with him. And from what you've said it sounds alot like hearsay. No one really likes being told how to live their life, especially in a relationship. It's bad news, at best it can be cute, but it's a problem.

    But regardless, it's not about John, it's about you and matt. Idk what's happened, but I can assume alot of things went flying between you two. It's about how you two care about eachother.. getting prodded about things that arent the real problem isn't going to help the situation. Just be honest about how you feel, and take it as it goes.. but remember too, if things aren't going the way you feel comfortable with, or are not prepared to work towards, you'll have to make a choice that is appriopriate for who you are. I really don't see how you can argue about something like this for day tbh. Do you know why he wanted to talk with john? That's important.. and tbh he shouldnt have to explain why either :S

    Sorry im bouncing back and fourth.. it's difficult, and I honestly feel for you. It won't be an easy talk. The thing is to be honest with eachother, and tbh if you believe john is the devil, you should be able to trust matt to dance with the devil. Though that's my opinon. If per say my gf started talking to a guy whom I considered to be a sleeze bag, I'd defiantly tell her why and be straight up about why im worried, without stepping on her toes unless I knew something she didnt. But I'd not say stop seeing him. She'd have to make that choice on her own. If was dangerous? Id have to explain and get her to see it. And at the very worst stop her. And vice verca from her to me. It's respect and trust at the end of the day. Just, when you talk, throw assumptions out the window. Be honest with him, and yourself. Couples have all sorts of moments where they get fed up and "breakup", hopefully he'll see the light with you, and you with him :)
  3. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply Blake, that helped.

    I know for a fact that John did cheat on his boyfriend. Matt keeps saying that people change, that he just broke up with bf and still loves him, but for some reason I can't feel safe knowing that he's - like you said - the devil. I do need to trust him and every time I feel insecure I have to remind myself of his promises of love.

    We have been arguing with this issue for days because we fight and make up, but then I feel unsafe and I act "weird" (like he says). That's me putting my issues inside. Then he makes me talk and hell yeah I talk. Even though I shouldn't.

    I know this is my problem, not his. I do need to trust in his loyalty because he hasn't given me any hint in all the time we've been together that he's a cheater. It's just my problem with John.

    I have no idea why he wants to talk and be with John. Maybe he needs a gay friend he can hang out with. I have never thought about it because all his friends are girls or straight guys. I am the only gay person he hangs out with. He's got other friends, but those aren't from nearby.

    Anyways, thanks for your reply, it feels good to have some sort of feedback on my issue.

    I love him so very much and I acknowledge that this is MY issue, not his, so I will apologize and promise to never do it again. For that I will have to come up with some sort of therapy. Maybe I'll read his letters whenever I feel insecure.
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I hope it goes ok :) I hope some more people post some suggestions. I know I've been leaning towards the fact that it's a problem more revolving around you, but at the end of the day he is your partner. And you're feelings matter, no matter how they come about. Im not too sure about taking all the blame tbh. It's understandable, but idk.. Don't cut yourself short either. .. It's gonna be difficult I think if you want to get the whole picture across to him. Being insecure about your partner isn't horrible, but it is something to look after. In this particular case, ... your feelings about John and who he is are very strong. I don't think you keeling over is going to do you nor Matt and favours really. I mean it could let your relationship continue how you want it to, but this fellow is getting between you two. Be it you're untrusting and matt is trusting. He's saying Johns changed but.. Idk. You two really should be able to find a common ground. Idk.. just make sure you look after your interests and feelings aswell xHope it goes ok
  5. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    We talked and everything's alright now.
    I took the blame because I've said horrible things because of these strong feelings about John. My only excuse is that I suddenly stopped taking my antidepressant and that made me spiral to a very anxious state. He doesn't give me any reasons to doubt his loyalty, except for the fact that sometimes he doesn't tell me certain details that I find crucial, but that's okay. He also says some white lies sometimes, but he does it for my sake. He knows about my history with depression and my insecurities.
    But I see that he really cares about me otherwise he would have left me when I had a breakdown some months ago. But instead he did all that he could to help me out.

    Well, I took the blame, apologized for all I've said and how he had every reason to be hurt. And he accepted my apology and everything is okay now.

    I talked to a friend before he arrived and he knows John so he told me that he is a really nice guy and that cheating on his old boyfriend was a mistake that he regrets. I took this as true and after I made up with Matt, I told him that I was going to send a message to this John guy to apologize for my distrust. He's been going through some rough stuff lately and he didn't need the drama I caused with my jealousy/insecurity. It turns out he really is a nice guy, at least he seems to be, so my feelings about John were my intolerance talking.

    So yeah, I guess this jealousy about John is over, now that I've talked to him a little bit. I should have done this earlier.

    Thanks for staying there, giving me your feedback. I know you're a stranger, but it means a lot to me to see that people are nice and supportive even with people they don't know. Shows me that there are more good people out there than I thought there were.
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    :) im glad things are working out. Idk what else to say, just.. alot of things have just happened in some respects. Don't change and let go of too many things that you feel or felt were appriopriate. Im just saying, you feel guilty, so its easy to fall into the "i need to make up for this and i should be more open to people and things".
    Sorry, I know that's kinda of a bummer comment, and it sounds like you're putting in alot of effort :) I really hope it goes well. Just, you're in a relationship, so things go both ways. And that's a huge shift from where you were sitting before you talked. Really hope it's turning out well
  7. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    Thanks Blake!
    I've had this talk with a friend before, I am still talking to him about the things that I don't like and the things I'm concerned about, I just won't push it too far like I did before.