Briefly, My Life Story.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ByePolar, Jul 2, 2016.

  1. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    For the past, oh, six years of my life, I've wanted to just fall asleep and not wake up. All this time, I've kept going only for my mother who was slowly dying from cancer. She had cancer before I was even born in 1999. She took so many pills, lied to her doctor about things, and all in all, just gave into her own death. She died October, 2015. That was when one of my two friends, who will remain unnamed, entered the hospital for self harming. I didn't want to leave him alone, so I put off killing myself. He's out now. My other friends has repeatedly harmed her body, and will continue to do so. She has lost so fo her own family, and worries about losing me as well. She made me promise not to kill myself. But, as of late, I am growing weary of that promise. I have had two many therapists to count, been put on pills justbto be taken off of them, and no longer have an attachment to my peers, and my "family". I want somebody who can talk me out of this sh!t.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey there ByePolar, I'm sorry that's been a rough go for you. I'm sorry about your Mom, I lost mine last year to but I had her for a lot longer than you. That's a tough go and losing one of your friends too. Life can be pretty damn tough my friend. You sound like a good man, standing by your friend while they were in hospital and looking out for them. There's not a lot of people that really care like that these days. I felt like suicide myself until I came here, there's a lot of good people here who care and support you, I guess it makes it easier knowing you're no longer alone and others are feeling like we do. I'd like it if you'd stay around and help others get through the struggles we're going through and we can help each other. Btw welcome to the forum :) my names Brian, but I'm sure you guessed that already. Anytime you want to talk you can pm on the site, also you may like the chat room, it gets pretty active there and they're good bunch.
    Take care of yourself and I'll see you around my friend.
    Brian
     
  3. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    Thanks for saying hi Brian. I appreciate your compasion.
     
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi BP and welcome to SF.

    I made those same promises and they do weigh heavy after awhile. But we made those promises, they were our choice so we have little alternative but to try and honour them if we can. Talking here might help to that end.

    Commendable that you are there for your friends when they need you to be. Let people here be there for you when you need them to be.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there @ByePolar I am sorry for your major loss. The death of a loved one always leaves a hole in your heart that cannot be filled but with time and grievance counselling things can take a turn for the better, I know you have been on pills etc... but please give the mental health services another try, what have you got to lose? Your best friend needs you and you need her, maybe talk to her about what's going on for you now? Have you tried hotlines such as the samaritans, they can be helpful. I really hope you get better and well soon. Best wishes x
     
  6. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    The problem, is that I like to provide for people. I like to buy things for my friend, frive her around to things, and all in all just be nice. That' why I made my promise to her. Granted she threatened me, but it's because she cared enough to threaten me that I haven't killed myself yet. Also, I have never liked it when somebody else helped me. People never owe me anything, I always pay back my debts, and I do almost anything if she asks nicely. I can't say no. But it's been awhile since I promised. And it's becoming a burden. Every time I think about, and almost act upon, killing myself I just here myself saying the words, "I promiise". Afterwards, I always feel bad about what I was thinking. It's an endless loop of wanting to die, then not dying, feeling bad, then wanting to again. I will admit, there were days that I feel really good and just want to be nice to everybody, but later that day, somebody says something, and it just kills my day. Anyways, thank you for caring enough to talk to me atlaest a little. Most people just tell me to get over it. I usually don't talk to that person for the rest of the day.
     
  7. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    I'm not one for complaining to other people. I like this because I can still pretend that the nice people I meet on here aren't real people. And I'v seen a therapiat for most of my life. Ever since I was five, I've seen one of, well, five therapists. The current one is pretty nice. Most of them said I'm either bipolar or deppressed. Some said to give me pills, and then said don't give me the pills. I just find it hard to trust anybody anymore.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is understandable. You must have seen a psychiatrist because regular therapists are not allowed to prescribe. There are many people that use this forum that suffer from bipolar disorder, maybe reach out to them? Or start a thread on bipolar? I'm not bipolar myself so cannot really relate to that aspect. But what I do know is you have gotten this far so do not give up now. I'm glad your current therapist is nice and helpful. Do you trust her? What do you feel you could do to improve your life @ByePolar ((hugs)) I care.
     
  9. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    Thank you for caring so much as to engage in a conversation with me. This is one of the few, in which, i haven't lied in. It feels strange, knowing that someone actually cares. My current therapist is really nice. We talk about how I feel, what I want to do with the rest of my life, and just how my week has been. He's more like a friend than a therapist to be honest. I don't lie to him offeten. So, I guess that means I trust him atleast a little. And the only way I could improve my life is to get someone special to me. I don't have someone like that any more, so that would be nice to have. Again, thank you so much for caring about my life.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are very welcome hun. I do care :) So happy your therapist is nice and understanding. Do you have many friends, siblings? Like I said you've made it this far now you can get through this now. I respect your honesty very much and am glad you are able to open up here, you're a strong person :)
     
  11. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I have lost both of my parents over the years. My mom to cancer. And neither of them opted to have treatment. But this was in the 80's. The pain and grief do become less. But you always remember them. I have their pictures in several places in the house. It is important to remember them. They gave you life. I will never forget my parents, or never stop loving them. You will always feel the loss ByePolar, but it will not always hurt so much. You will start to remember the good times you had with them. And those memories will be precious.

    Promising not to kill yourself can be a hard promise to keep. But it is an important one. You are blessed to have someone who cares enough about you to ask you to make such a promise. And you seem to care enough about her to honor that promise. That is a very important base to build the rest of your life on. Your long life. I totally get how therapy can fail, but it is important to keep trying. But often action on your own part is important too. Find something you enjoy doing and do it. Try new things. I just decided to try aroma therapy. The oil and diffuser came today. The pleasant aroma of lemon grass is wafting through my living room. See if you can find one thing new to try each week. It doesn't have to be anything major. But it would give you something to look forward to, and might open a whole new world. Most importantly, don't give up on yourself, or your friend.
     
  12. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    I have exactly two friends. I love them both as if they were my family. As for sibilings, I have a winey brat for a half brother and a step sister who I see maybe twice a year. I respect them both as people, but it is very dificcult to think of them as proper family.
     
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I can understand that, I have 3 sisters, 2 of which don't talk to me 'cos they are full of crap. I'm glad you have friends that are like family, I hope you can talk and open up to them, can you?
     
  14. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    I can, and I have. They both know that I have harmed myself before and I tell them when I feel like killing myself. The only problem is, that they're both thei ! own people, and I don't like being a burden to them. They both have harmed themselves before. One of them was even in the hospital for it. He's okay now though. But, yeah. The friend that hasn't been in the hospital yet made me promise not to kill myself. She said that if I killed myself, she would kill her self.
     
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I doubt you would be a burden on them especially as they know what you are going through and how you are feeling and they have had the same thoughts, please keep opening up to them! I hope you speak up and not bottle everything up, it makes everything worse.

    I really dislike these type of ''pacts'', they are dangerous and please try not to engage in it. They ARE harmful to you and her.Please keep reaching out and I wish your friends well too :)
     
  16. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    Thank you for being so nice. It's different from what I've come to expect. I will alleays be open with my friends. About that promise, I'm kind of hoping that she forgets about it. Then I won't feel as bad when I really want to kill myself.
     
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    We're all nice here, we keep this forum very friendly :) I am glad you found us and reached out, did it help to talk about such things? I sure hope so :) You're a nice person, you don't deserve all this pain and hurt in your life. Yeah please do get out of that arrangement with your friend. Keep talking to them and keep talking to us, you deserve kindness and support just as much as the next person :)
     
  18. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I really try to help you as much as I can.
     
  19. ByePolar

    ByePolar Anti-social Human Trying To Be Social

    Well, thank you for welcoming me and wanting to help. I have been feeling worse about myself as of late. So anybody who is willing to help will be really appreciated.
     
  20. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    At the moment, I'm busy dealing my own issues but I will promise to help you as you are so young and we are a very supportive group. We all have issues but we support each other in our own ways. Take this virtual hand we offer and I "promise" whilst I am here on his planet "earth" I will get you to see the light. Like I say I'm soulless and hell-bound. I'm not going first class but with the chickens in their coup.

    Stay strong and read the other postz to encourage you to keep posting. Remember if anyone hurts you to use the "Report" function if the forum. You are among friends but all I ask is never consider the final commitment. You will realise the ones who understand your pain are the ones who suffer like you everyday. Don't worry we are here for YOU.

    Just think someone in the world sitting on the roadside is caring and thinking of YOU. You are no longer alone in the world. If I am making your cry then that's ok as you these words touch your heart and they having meaning. The tears you cry are tears of hurt and no doubt alone by yourself. Just swipe those tears as it releases the pain from within.

    Ok, you cannot cry in front of your peers but you remember we cry with you. You know deep down now that someone really cares. Don't worry now. I will read and repost. I hope this passage relaxes and gives you comfort.

    Take care and be safe. We are here for YOU.