Hello all. I want to apologize for any rambling or things that just do not seem correct. I once had the abily to function normally but life has made sure to take that from me. it have lost so much of my normal brain function and cognitive skills that I have a very hard time forming my words together. I will do my best.
My name is Mike and I am a 32 year man and father who is completely broken and exhausted. For as long as I can remember I have had a life of nothing but stress, loss, sexual and psycal abuse twords me as a child, over all sense of worthlessness the list goes on and on and on! I have no idea what happiness, love or any good feeling is like. I see people who are happy and I urn for it but it never comes my way. My family is beyond unstable. All they have ever done is argue, fight and bicker. When I was 1 year old my mother left me with my grandmother who I love very much. How ever she too is a broken woman due to actions of her father and exhusband. My father was a drunk who thought it was OK to scare me with knives on a chucky doll. Thought it was OK to smoke around me causing me to be sick all the time. At 5 he took me in the shower and urinated on me an laughed. I became mental I'll at the age of 6 due to all of the trama I had experienced before that. I was sent to facility after facility until the age of 18. In those facilities I was beaten, degraded, emotionally abused, sexually asulted on many on many ocasions. In one facility they placed me with older boys two of them held me down and raped me. A staff member walked in caught them. I thought I was being saved I had no idea they where going to try and cover it up. They put me in the hallway on a mattress for two weeks and paraded the others past me while they laughed and made fun of me. Another one I was beaten for fun by others wile tied to a bed. Another one I was placed in a room and made to stand for an hour and sit for an hour. There was urine rat feces and god knows what in there. I was fed one meal a day.. My family was lied to for a year about it. I was never believed I'm mean who would do such a thing to a child! No one would do such a thing! That's sarcasm BTW I do still have a sense of humor I had not childhood, no young adulthood,no friend, no girl friends, I only wanted so badly to be normal to be loved to be respected. I was so lost and over powered by adults who would simply not hear my crys for help. At I met a beautiful woman who became the love of my life we had an amazing daughter. I thought this is it this is happiness finaly. Well I was wrong I was alreasy entirely to damnaged. I did not know how to show my love all though I could slightly feel it. I was so full of anger and emotional pain it lead me to a life of crime where I went to prison for two years. That was my fault and I accept responsibility for it! I lost my wife and daughter for that time. Time in prison was horrible it was just another placement. I got phsycialy strong in there. I made sure never aging was I going to be hurt. I faught daily, I hurt people , I became just like the people who hurt me. I was released from prison and seek out help and ithe seems to work for a while. I eventually reunited with my wife and amazing daughter. Things where amazing for a while then i startedgoing down hilI. I treated my wife so mean, I gave my beautiful little girl no attention she begged me daily. The worst part of all this is my heart wanted so badly to love them both to show them they are my world. I could not understand why I just could not at then I could not understand. I pushed them away, I emotionally abused them, I let them see my anger and pian. I never let them in. I nerb let my amazing wife in. She caught so hard for me she knew I was damaged and hurting she loved me no matter what but I refused to accept it now they are gone! I have beautiful son by another woman who I love so much that I won't be around for fear of effecting his life. He urns for my attention, he loves me so much. I have stayed away because I love him. Because I refuse to have him ever be like me. He just turned 8. I cried all day on his birthday!
It has taken so long to get to this point. To realize very little of my life is actually created by me. I am the product of evil, hatefull people non lovong people.Through out my life I have always had hope. Hope is the only thing I had that kept me going trying to find the good in life. Through the bad I have helped so many people, I have given so much of my effort my money to help people. I have gone out of my why to help and take care of all the wrong people. People who used me. My heart through all the pain seemed to stay good. I always wanted to help and did. But my mind could not separate the bad that has happened to me so I sabotage and pushed every one away. I am now tired and exhausted. I have so many questions that will never be answered. Why did you leave mom, why do you hate me when youhelped make me this way. Why dad won't you call me when you live a mile away. Why do I push the people who mean the most to me away. Why can't my heart love like it wants to. Why why why.
The only thing in life I became great is is riding motorcyles. It has been my only release from the pain I live with daily. I mean I am an amazing motorcycle rider. I should be great at being a father a husband not riding. My emotional pain has now effected me phsycialy. I am sick daily, I can't eat, I can't laugh, I can't mentally function I have lost my intelligence, I can't love I hate it I hate me I hate me so much. I want to be able to show love. I know I never will be able to. Adults growing up made sure of that. I have now become saturated with depression, sadness, grief loss, there is no beauty in my life my beautiful children are gone. I pushed them away. I refuse to hurt any one any more.
I was born with a good heart and the world destroyed it.
My name is Mike and I am a 32 year man and father who is completely broken and exhausted. For as long as I can remember I have had a life of nothing but stress, loss, sexual and psycal abuse twords me as a child, over all sense of worthlessness the list goes on and on and on! I have no idea what happiness, love or any good feeling is like. I see people who are happy and I urn for it but it never comes my way. My family is beyond unstable. All they have ever done is argue, fight and bicker. When I was 1 year old my mother left me with my grandmother who I love very much. How ever she too is a broken woman due to actions of her father and exhusband. My father was a drunk who thought it was OK to scare me with knives on a chucky doll. Thought it was OK to smoke around me causing me to be sick all the time. At 5 he took me in the shower and urinated on me an laughed. I became mental I'll at the age of 6 due to all of the trama I had experienced before that. I was sent to facility after facility until the age of 18. In those facilities I was beaten, degraded, emotionally abused, sexually asulted on many on many ocasions. In one facility they placed me with older boys two of them held me down and raped me. A staff member walked in caught them. I thought I was being saved I had no idea they where going to try and cover it up. They put me in the hallway on a mattress for two weeks and paraded the others past me while they laughed and made fun of me. Another one I was beaten for fun by others wile tied to a bed. Another one I was placed in a room and made to stand for an hour and sit for an hour. There was urine rat feces and god knows what in there. I was fed one meal a day.. My family was lied to for a year about it. I was never believed I'm mean who would do such a thing to a child! No one would do such a thing! That's sarcasm BTW I do still have a sense of humor I had not childhood, no young adulthood,no friend, no girl friends, I only wanted so badly to be normal to be loved to be respected. I was so lost and over powered by adults who would simply not hear my crys for help. At I met a beautiful woman who became the love of my life we had an amazing daughter. I thought this is it this is happiness finaly. Well I was wrong I was alreasy entirely to damnaged. I did not know how to show my love all though I could slightly feel it. I was so full of anger and emotional pain it lead me to a life of crime where I went to prison for two years. That was my fault and I accept responsibility for it! I lost my wife and daughter for that time. Time in prison was horrible it was just another placement. I got phsycialy strong in there. I made sure never aging was I going to be hurt. I faught daily, I hurt people , I became just like the people who hurt me. I was released from prison and seek out help and ithe seems to work for a while. I eventually reunited with my wife and amazing daughter. Things where amazing for a while then i startedgoing down hilI. I treated my wife so mean, I gave my beautiful little girl no attention she begged me daily. The worst part of all this is my heart wanted so badly to love them both to show them they are my world. I could not understand why I just could not at then I could not understand. I pushed them away, I emotionally abused them, I let them see my anger and pian. I never let them in. I nerb let my amazing wife in. She caught so hard for me she knew I was damaged and hurting she loved me no matter what but I refused to accept it now they are gone! I have beautiful son by another woman who I love so much that I won't be around for fear of effecting his life. He urns for my attention, he loves me so much. I have stayed away because I love him. Because I refuse to have him ever be like me. He just turned 8. I cried all day on his birthday!
It has taken so long to get to this point. To realize very little of my life is actually created by me. I am the product of evil, hatefull people non lovong people.Through out my life I have always had hope. Hope is the only thing I had that kept me going trying to find the good in life. Through the bad I have helped so many people, I have given so much of my effort my money to help people. I have gone out of my why to help and take care of all the wrong people. People who used me. My heart through all the pain seemed to stay good. I always wanted to help and did. But my mind could not separate the bad that has happened to me so I sabotage and pushed every one away. I am now tired and exhausted. I have so many questions that will never be answered. Why did you leave mom, why do you hate me when youhelped make me this way. Why dad won't you call me when you live a mile away. Why do I push the people who mean the most to me away. Why can't my heart love like it wants to. Why why why.
The only thing in life I became great is is riding motorcyles. It has been my only release from the pain I live with daily. I mean I am an amazing motorcycle rider. I should be great at being a father a husband not riding. My emotional pain has now effected me phsycialy. I am sick daily, I can't eat, I can't laugh, I can't mentally function I have lost my intelligence, I can't love I hate it I hate me I hate me so much. I want to be able to show love. I know I never will be able to. Adults growing up made sure of that. I have now become saturated with depression, sadness, grief loss, there is no beauty in my life my beautiful children are gone. I pushed them away. I refuse to hurt any one any more.
I was born with a good heart and the world destroyed it.
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