Broken and exhausted

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#1
Hello all. I want to apologize for any rambling or things that just do not seem correct. I once had the abily to function normally but life has made sure to take that from me. it have lost so much of my normal brain function and cognitive skills that I have a very hard time forming my words together. I will do my best.


My name is Mike and I am a 32 year man and father who is completely broken and exhausted. For as long as I can remember I have had a life of nothing but stress, loss, sexual and psycal abuse twords me as a child, over all sense of worthlessness the list goes on and on and on! I have no idea what happiness, love or any good feeling is like. I see people who are happy and I urn for it but it never comes my way. My family is beyond unstable. All they have ever done is argue, fight and bicker. When I was 1 year old my mother left me with my grandmother who I love very much. How ever she too is a broken woman due to actions of her father and exhusband. My father was a drunk who thought it was OK to scare me with knives on a chucky doll. Thought it was OK to smoke around me causing me to be sick all the time. At 5 he took me in the shower and urinated on me an laughed. I became mental I'll at the age of 6 due to all of the trama I had experienced before that. I was sent to facility after facility until the age of 18. In those facilities I was beaten, degraded, emotionally abused, sexually asulted on many on many ocasions. In one facility they placed me with older boys two of them held me down and raped me. A staff member walked in caught them. I thought I was being saved I had no idea they where going to try and cover it up. They put me in the hallway on a mattress for two weeks and paraded the others past me while they laughed and made fun of me. Another one I was beaten for fun by others wile tied to a bed. Another one I was placed in a room and made to stand for an hour and sit for an hour. There was urine rat feces and god knows what in there. I was fed one meal a day.. My family was lied to for a year about it. I was never believed I'm mean who would do such a thing to a child! No one would do such a thing! That's sarcasm BTW I do still have a sense of humor :) I had not childhood, no young adulthood,no friend, no girl friends, I only wanted so badly to be normal to be loved to be respected. I was so lost and over powered by adults who would simply not hear my crys for help. At I met a beautiful woman who became the love of my life we had an amazing daughter. I thought this is it this is happiness finaly. Well I was wrong I was alreasy entirely to damnaged. I did not know how to show my love all though I could slightly feel it. I was so full of anger and emotional pain it lead me to a life of crime where I went to prison for two years. That was my fault and I accept responsibility for it! I lost my wife and daughter for that time. Time in prison was horrible it was just another placement. I got phsycialy strong in there. I made sure never aging was I going to be hurt. I faught daily, I hurt people , I became just like the people who hurt me. I was released from prison and seek out help and ithe seems to work for a while. I eventually reunited with my wife and amazing daughter. Things where amazing for a while then i startedgoing down hilI. I treated my wife so mean, I gave my beautiful little girl no attention she begged me daily. The worst part of all this is my heart wanted so badly to love them both to show them they are my world. I could not understand why I just could not at then I could not understand. I pushed them away, I emotionally abused them, I let them see my anger and pian. I never let them in. I nerb let my amazing wife in. She caught so hard for me she knew I was damaged and hurting she loved me no matter what but I refused to accept it now they are gone! I have beautiful son by another woman who I love so much that I won't be around for fear of effecting his life. He urns for my attention, he loves me so much. I have stayed away because I love him. Because I refuse to have him ever be like me. He just turned 8. I cried all day on his birthday!

It has taken so long to get to this point. To realize very little of my life is actually created by me. I am the product of evil, hatefull people non lovong people.Through out my life I have always had hope. Hope is the only thing I had that kept me going trying to find the good in life. Through the bad I have helped so many people, I have given so much of my effort my money to help people. I have gone out of my why to help and take care of all the wrong people. People who used me. My heart through all the pain seemed to stay good. I always wanted to help and did. But my mind could not separate the bad that has happened to me so I sabotage and pushed every one away. I am now tired and exhausted. I have so many questions that will never be answered. Why did you leave mom, why do you hate me when youhelped make me this way. Why dad won't you call me when you live a mile away. Why do I push the people who mean the most to me away. Why can't my heart love like it wants to. Why why why.

The only thing in life I became great is is riding motorcyles. It has been my only release from the pain I live with daily. I mean I am an amazing motorcycle rider. I should be great at being a father a husband not riding. My emotional pain has now effected me phsycialy. I am sick daily, I can't eat, I can't laugh, I can't mentally function I have lost my intelligence, I can't love I hate it I hate me I hate me so much. I want to be able to show love. I know I never will be able to. Adults growing up made sure of that. I have now become saturated with depression, sadness, grief loss, there is no beauty in my life my beautiful children are gone. I pushed them away. I refuse to hurt any one any more.

I was born with a good heart and the world destroyed it.
 
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JDot

remember to drink plenty of water
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Hey I saw you moved this to a new section. I decided to copy and paste what I typed in the other thread just in case.

I can feel a lot of pain in your words. It makes sense that you would push away people you care about. Your caretakers didn't teach you how to express love like they should have. But the fact that there are people in your life that love you is awesome. The fact that you want to show them your love so much tells me you are not like your father and not like the people who hurt you. You grew up around people who are disgusting. And that would cause a lot of trauma for anyone. But I can tell from your post that you have a good heart. You mentioned something about seeking help. Are you receiving any kind of treatment for depression right now? Have you seen any therapists or doctors? Please don't end it all. The world needs people like you. People with a good heart. Do whatever you have to to take care of yourself. If not for yourself. At least for your child. I believe that you can learn to express the love that is in your heart if you give yourself a chance. And I think therapy will help you with that. If the day comes and you believe you are a danger to yourself at least call a suicide hotline like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. What could it hurt?
 

Acanthi

Well-Known Member
#3
Hey there, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I hope you reconsider ending your life because you have 2 beautiful little human beings relying on you. If you can't bring yourself to try for you, then try for them.

You grew up in a dysfunctional family and had so much pain and so many horrors thrust upon you at an early age that it's unbelievable and absolutely terrible. I think therapy or other forms of professional help can do wonders for you. At least give it a shot. What's the harm right?

With regards to your kids, you mentioned they both love you so much and keep yearning for your attention. Does that remind you of when you were young and wanted your father to love you? You have a chance to change their lives! They don't have to feel abandoned, they can grow up knowing their father loves them and they can be proud of you. You're not perfect, no one is. But for them to see you trying will be so beneficial for them, and for you.

I'm glad you reached out and do come back as much as you want! *hugs*
 

JmpMster

Owner Emeritus
#4
You have had a hard time and faced many challenges for certain, however the past does not have to rule our future. While there is much blame to pass around,ultimately our own actions our own choices and while we can try to mitigate the fault with explanation , it does not change the things thta are our choices. You and your children are both young. You can choose to stay around and to build a relationship with them in the future as they get old enough to understand things and make their own choices or can choose not to.

You can clearly tell the difference between right /wrong good bad - that means you can choose to do right and good or choose not to. None of these possibilities were taken away from you- you are choosing to take them away from yourself. Being strong/capable of violence does not mean you MUST choose to react with anger and violence. If you did not understand or feel love then you would not be able to speak of it nor would you know what was missing / yearn it. You speak passionately about motorcycles and activities that you like - so you can do things and enjoy things despite other claims.

Bottom line you have ample ability to make different choice sand get a different life- but to do that you need to start making the choices you should make instead of the ones that require little or no thought or effort. You say you learnt to be strong so nobody can hurt you anymore- then do so- stop letting people from your past hurt you, and stop choosing things based on them. Move forward instead and do the things you need to the way you know they need to be done and get the things you want from life. Accept responsibility for your ability to choose and choose for yourself.
 
#5
My name is Adil.Sorry for my bad english.

You saw a bad part of life ,many bad things ,prison and bad childhood.So you know bad life looks like how it is cruel and injustice.Maybe you lost faith in humanity ,yourself and life.But you love your children even if they are far away from you even if there is no possibility to see them it doesnt change that fact that they are your children.So i will talk open you are on the right way if you understood what is bad and what is good.You must fight for your clidren .You must give them the opportunity to see the best part of life.Man like you can truly protect them from the cruel reality of this world.If you wanna your children dont be like you you must protect him from similar situations which you experienced .Your children is the best thing in your life dont lose it.So protect them financial moral or i dont know there are so many ways.
Be strong !!!
 
#6
I broke last night for the first time in my life. The emotions where so raw. I spent the morning seeking out counseling. I have to admit this is hard for me. Torn between exhausted and the desire to continue on is a constant battle. After reading your responses I will atleast give it a try. Thank you for your thoughts.
 

JDot

remember to drink plenty of water
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
I broke last night for the first time in my life. The emotions where so raw. I spent the morning seeking out counseling. I have to admit this is hard for me. Torn between exhausted and the desire to continue on is a constant battle. After reading your responses I will atleast give it a try. Thank you for your thoughts.
I'm glad to hear you are seeking out counseling. Sometimes you find yourself in a situation you can't deal with on your own and there's no shame in asking for help. When you are in the depth of suicidal depression it's like you've fallen into a hole. You need someone to bring a rope or ladder to get you to safety. And nobody knows there is anyone in that hole. You have to call out so someone can hear you and know you are there. By seeking counseling you are calling out. Writing on this forum is also a great way to call out. By writing here you informed people of the pain you are in and given yourself a chance to let people support you. I'm glad you found this forum. I've been here for two months and the impact I see that it has amazes me. I hope you stay here for a while and continue talking to us and reaching out.
 
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