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Broken beyond repair

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sweeee, May 23, 2015.

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  1. Sweeee

    Sweeee New Member


    I will never be the same again.

    I am a teenager who lives a life of boredom and intense isolation. One by one, the people I knew have all dissappeared from my life, even though I do meet some occasionally. Seems a normal problem? Not at all, I don't want to see them or talk to them ultimately. I want to be left alone, myself, no one else, in peace.

    I spend my life looking at the past, and I don't want to. Every single day is the same pain I bear. All the happiness I express if any is a false pretence.

    Now this is where it changes for the worse. I want to shun my parents, my family, my relatives, my friends; everyone.

    My past is quite odd. I have seen pain, and I have felt pain, I have seen happiness, and felt happy at the same time, and for the past 6 years I have changed dramatically.

    And I will try to put it as simple as I can, I want to hurt so many people the way I am, and this starts with my hopeless parents. I was known as a weird kid, and the people I use to know still remember me, but I don't want them to. I loathe them all, I can't stand them, and I would never have felt this way a decade ago.

    My mind kills me every single day, I want to brutally murder so many people, but I won't allow that and regret it later. Instead, I will do it to myself. There just isn't a thing worth living for. Everything I do is utterly pointless. Is this what existence is?

    Every thing I cherished and though would prolong forever has faded away, and I dread every thing that happens. Every night I want to sleep well knowing that I have value, but on the contrary I hate what the future holds.

    All that is good has to stop doesn't it? My disgraceful life epitomises everything wrong on this horrible little planet. People make me vomit. I wouldn't go near anyone and talk solely because I know what they'll say and I detest everyone. Contacting people is the worse thing.

    I want this to stop before it's too late, and as I write this, I am in deep pain. I can't express it literally, I am in agony. It wasn't always like this, but let's just say it has got worse. Now I'm close to the edge.

    Sooner I'm off this earth the better, rot.
  2. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    "I will never be the same again"
    Staying the same is not possible, everyone goes through changes every day.
    We do lose our innocence as we age, as well as other things, but gain other things when we experience that loss.
    You may feel your development has taken a bad turn, but you can always change into a person you can be proud of.

    The current people in your life as well as your current set of activities may bore you to death,
    but there is always the chance that you'll find something that brings some excitement into your life.
    As long as you don't confine yourself, and push yourself to experience more things.

    There is nothing wrong with hating people and preferring isolation, as long as you do not act upon your feelings of hatred.
    You will have to learn how to quell your violent mindset, or else it could potentially ruin your life as well as the lives of others if you slip up and lose control.
    Suicide isn't the only way you can prevent yourself from going on some violent rampage.
    It will be hard, no doubt about it, but you can try to shape yourself into a calmer person.
    You will have to search for an environment that promotes this positive growth, or else it likely won't happen.
    Find something in the world that brings you some positive emotions.
    If you're constantly swimming in negative emotions, your hate for the world will only grow.
    Keep looking, the world is massive, and there are so many different things that you could potentially enjoy.

    If you give up now and die, you're throwing away all chances you have to enjoy your life.
    What if you were to find happiness somewhere down the road?
    If you died now, you will never have it.
    You might think that "being numb is better than trying to endure this pain", but once you do find happiness, your painful past will make that sweet feeling even better.
    Only through experiencing pain can you fully appreciate it when things are joyful.

    Don't let your past get you down, try to look towards a bright future.
    If you have your gaze set upon an ominous future, then chances are you'll get just that.
    If you can force yourself to think optimistically, you will reap the benefits.
    There's a lot of good in the world, but if you refuse to look at it, you will never see it.

    Sorry if I wasn't of much help, I had to try, though.
    Don't give up on yourself, on life.
  3. Sweeee

    Sweeee New Member

    I didn't quite mention in my first post, I suffer from depression, have done. It plagues my soul. I don't feel motivated to do anything, it's as if I'm isolated within my own self; a human trap.

    I can't express this in life, but I can describe it on here the best I can.

    I'm not violent physically, however I think of gruesome things nearly every day. If I ever feel frustrated or angry, I'd often retaliate when no one is there.

    I have been ripped apart these past few years. I can't bear it any longer, I want this suffering to end....
  4. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    I assumed that you were depressed, it generally falls hand-in-hand with suicidal thoughts.

    I also got that you haven't actually been violent physically yet, but it sounded like you were trying to hold yourself back from actually following through with violent thoughts.

    Do you want to be happy? or do you just want your suffering to end? Personally I think it's way better to put up with the good and bad things in life rather than to just fade into nothingness.
    You said you've been happy before in the past, so you should know how good that feels.

    You've got to start hoping for a bright future. The only thing holding you back from feeling positive about anything is your own mindset, and if you can't change it yourself or with my, or the advice of others, you should consider seeking medical help. I am very stubborn when it comes to accepting help from doctors and the sort, I'm not sure if you're the same; but wouldn't it be better to give that a shot than to kill yourself anyway? There's nothing to lose.
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