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Broken Beyond Repair

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Aug 9, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You know normally my suicidal episodes come and go within a couple of days at the most. However, my most recent one has lasted a whole week. I think my last break down destroyed me. Who would think that such a thing could happen. I thought things were getting better. I thought I was getting happier. Turns out it was all a lie. i am not getting better... not at all. It is not longer an issue of if... it is a matter of when.

    I guess there is still a little hope holding me together. However, it is fading, breaking, weakening, evaporating... I keep thinking to myself, why drink yourself to death. You have a credit card. Go buy a hand gun and 20 bullets. Blow your brains out already. You know nothing will get better. Working out is just a bandage. Yes it may make you feel less disgusted with the outside. However, you are still you on the inside. So really it is just an excuse to not die. Stop lying to yourself, you have experienced all that life has to offer.

    That is right I have experienced all life has to offer. I have experienced graduating from school. I have experienced getting a job. I have experienced supporting myself. I have experienced sex. I have experienced love. There is nothing left to experience, everything from now on is an empty shell. The pain of losing love is to great it smashed my happiness. It smashed any real chance for me to want to keep living. I wish she had been killed. At least then I believe it was out of my control. No she decided my love was not good enough. She decided my love was worthless just because I was scared to give her a word. She left to the title, knowing that title would not work out.

    Enough about her, this is about me. It is over, there is nothing left for me. The only experience left is the last few seconds before my brain shuts down. It is no longer a matter of if, it is a matter of when. How long will this weak substance of hope hold out? How long will it last? I guess we will find out. Time for bed... so I can think about how I want to cry myself to sleep, but can't.
  2. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    I do not really have experience with relationships to really understand why someone would kill themselves over this. It makes me wonder if what they're describing is really love or selfishness. If it was love, wouldn't they just be happy that the person they're with is happy no matter who they're with? Isn't love supposed to unconditional in that way. What makes people think it will be forever anyway, they could be dead the next day or 10 years down the road they fall out of love with the person. I find it scary to rely on another person soley for my happiness, why would anyone give another person so much power?

    That wasn't necessarily all directed towards you, just rambling some thoughts. Frankly, what you've described is mostly pretty superficial, that is depressing if that's all there is to life. I hope you'll look deeper and find something more meaningful.
  3. icepack

    icepack New Member

    what i read tells me that you are suffering of love illness, right ?
    was this your first relationship with a woman ?
    if not, how did the "other" relationships go ?
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @icepack: This was my first relationship. That makes this post even more juvenile. Some 25 year old acting like a love sick 12 year old.

    @Blue_Sky: Wow finally someone who is honest... or can analyze me and know what I want to hear. Yes that is all I believe there is to life.
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, there is this brain doctor, called Dr. Amen, who said that if you are deeply in love and the person withdraws there love from you, it is a most cruel thing to do. Because the brain goes through withdrawal symptoms. Other scientists have proven this too, that the part of the brain that get high from cocaine, is the part of the brain that lights up in an MRI, when the subject is in love. So you are actually going through an intense high.

    To have that withdrawn for you suddenly, it's the worse thing someone can do to you, Dr. Amen said

    Love is like a madness, and while you are in it, you act crazy, and no one else understands, at least that is how you feel.

    All advice is difficult to heed.

    And anything you do and say when you're in love, doesn't really make much sense to the person not in love.
    You want total merging.

    So if you want to destroy yourself over love, it's just a symptom of the temporary madness, in my opinion.

    Whatever you do, don't give into it. In time it will disappear and you will wonder why you ever wanted to hurt yourself over that person.

    And you will look at the person and see their flaws, or see them do bad things, and you will wonder how you felt that way about them in the first place.

    Give it time. :hugtackles:
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @flowingriver: Sorry I laughed when I read your posts. The time has passed I see all of her flaws. I know the only reason why I attached any feeling to the situation is because we had sex. I mean she was fun to spend time with as well. However, sex is the primary thing that fueled my love for her. Since I know I will never be able too woo another female to want to be my friend much less a lover. I am just giving up.

    Your post really is a good precursor to my next thought. Everyone says give it time. I assume that is because most of you get a kick out of my suffering. So I have set a goal. Provided of course nothing traumatic happens. I am going to give life time. The time will be as long as it takes me to pay off my credit card debt. Which is at least a year since my debt is around a quarter of my salary. My goal is to have no debt by giftmas 2011. That way I can give myself the giftmas presents of a gun and death. Plus then my mom will get the giftmas present of $100,000 from my company mandated life insurance. I think of it as a refund foe her failed child.

    That is not to said that I won't reconsider suicide if my life takes a turn for the better. However, I will be the judge of what qualifies. I am sure everyone can figure out what.
  7. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Why do you assume those who tell you to give it time get a kick out of your suffering?
    Anyway you laughed when you read flowingriver and the posts.
    Point is that when you have a broken heart it is so overwhelming that is impossible to believe that you can recover.
    I had colleague who tried to shoot himself when his girl left him. There was scandal about it because he had responsible job. He is in prison. Shame because he was good at his job. Friends are sticking by him. But guns scare people.
    I doubt if the insurance would pay your mother anything if you killed yourself.
    So however bad you feel and however much you are convinced that your heart will never mend you might as well act sensible and look after yourself, eat properly,keep fit and active.
    But the pain will take time to disappear so you have good reason to get angry with those of us who suggest that it will.
    You have to work through it because so much of you was bound up in that relationship and it cannot just be blocked off.
    Get angry with us but take care of yourself
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @loser:I only laughed a nit at flowingriver's post because I have it the stages he said.

    I assume people get a kick put of watching how stupid I am. You know there is a reason why so much comedy centers around other peoples' ignorance. They tell me there is hope and laugh because I believe it.

    I do not have to worry about any kind of scandal. I live in America land which overflows with guns. As long as I actually shot myself, I would be ok. Because I would be dead.

    I am acting sensible what better way to throw people off the scent of suicide? How could a guy who takes care of himself want to die, is what They will ask. Why when he had so much going for him, is what they will say.

    You know I am not even really in that much pain. The pain and betrayal passed after I learned my ex was dumped a month ago. She ruined what we had for a 3 month fling. However, my heart still cannot be fixed. It is forever destroyed. It will never be fixed. The only thing that will look like love is my libido. However, once that is no longer satisfied I won't pretend anymore.
  9. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    Forgotten Man I can relate to a lot of what you posted, I was crushed by the love of my life. The person I gave everything to, my first love which I actually thought was gonna be forever. It didn't just end abruptly, she was abusive to me and ground my self-esteem to a fine dust. That wasn't enough though she went ahead and cheated on me and had the nerve to say it was my own fault.

    I'm going through stages of really violent thoughts to suicidal thoughts to desperate hope of a better future. Right now I'm consumed with doubt about ever being attractive to a female again. I'm not giving you any advice as I don't have any, just know that there are others who have similar feelings or experiences.
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Endlessagony: I am done with the hope... there is none. I know I am not the only guy. However, that does not bring me any comfort, I am sorry to say.
  11. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I still think there is some hope left in you, that's why you're sharing these things here. I've gone through a few stages in my life where I was dead sure that this is it, that there is no possible way anything better can come along ever again. Still against all odds and hope something did, even if it didn't last. Right now I'm feeling the same thing, I can honestly see no improvement in the future. In fact I can see even more things that could go wrong but I'm so numbed I can't care about them.

    But I'm trying really hard to remember that things can change even if they seem impossible. My radical solution (if you can call it that) is that I'm relocating and starting over from scratch. I'm scared to death about it and I might end up losing the few good friends I have but I just have to believe in that small glimmer of hope, even if it's extremely small.
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Endlessagony: Well like I said in one of my posts. Life has until I pay off my debt, then it is over... then again I might go back on that depending on how I feel at giftmas time. Maybe when giftmas rolls around I will be so depressed, that I give my mom that abortion she should have had 25 years ago. I even have a plan for that day should it come. Call her up say marry giftmas and BANG.

    There is no hope for me. I am to dense to see what might come along so it will go away. Time to start cataloging my stuff and organizing it for the family so they will have an easy time selling it all.
  13. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    The desire for love and sexual satisfaction is high in this world.

    God is laughing at us.

    I"ve said it before and still believe it: "God made women so men would hate themselves."

    Ok, just my 2 cents. I'm not encouraging your delirium. Just having fun at everyone elses expense.
  14. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

  15. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    You know what?
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    No I do no know.
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