You know normally my suicidal episodes come and go within a couple of days at the most. However, my most recent one has lasted a whole week. I think my last break down destroyed me. Who would think that such a thing could happen. I thought things were getting better. I thought I was getting happier. Turns out it was all a lie. i am not getting better... not at all. It is not longer an issue of if... it is a matter of when. I guess there is still a little hope holding me together. However, it is fading, breaking, weakening, evaporating... I keep thinking to myself, why drink yourself to death. You have a credit card. Go buy a hand gun and 20 bullets. Blow your brains out already. You know nothing will get better. Working out is just a bandage. Yes it may make you feel less disgusted with the outside. However, you are still you on the inside. So really it is just an excuse to not die. Stop lying to yourself, you have experienced all that life has to offer. That is right I have experienced all life has to offer. I have experienced graduating from school. I have experienced getting a job. I have experienced supporting myself. I have experienced sex. I have experienced love. There is nothing left to experience, everything from now on is an empty shell. The pain of losing love is to great it smashed my happiness. It smashed any real chance for me to want to keep living. I wish she had been killed. At least then I believe it was out of my control. No she decided my love was not good enough. She decided my love was worthless just because I was scared to give her a word. She left to the title, knowing that title would not work out. Enough about her, this is about me. It is over, there is nothing left for me. The only experience left is the last few seconds before my brain shuts down. It is no longer a matter of if, it is a matter of when. How long will this weak substance of hope hold out? How long will it last? I guess we will find out. Time for bed... so I can think about how I want to cry myself to sleep, but can't.