Broken child

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ub3, Jun 16, 2013.

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  1. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Part one Broken child




    Since i was kid i was always trying to get out of my head...I felt very lonley and deppressed as a child...Home life was intolerable...My father Alcoholic addict gambeler womaniser would be in and out of prison for years at a time.Mum always said he had gone on a training program he always came back different like wed forgoton who he was i remember me and my siblings being afraid to call him dad again...it was an awfuly terrifying experience .we called him nelson whenever he came out of prison. And as time crept by we would dare each other to call him dad and slowly but surley things would resort back to the way they were unrelenting physical and phycological abuse.When he first got out it was all celebrations and feelings of jubillation as if the nightmares had never happened. I clung to the hope that actually this time things would be different. He was much nicer, more humane ,no beatings or mental bullying .we even done thing together as a family like take a trip to the woods in the countryside or even the pictures if we were lucky...But it never lasted long. walking on eggshells to my utter despair. funny thing was when he would go away i ust pine for him daily and miss him so much and otheretimes naturally a sigh of relief he was gone finally my soul could breathe...that would split anyones personality and cause trust issues i guess it sure fucked with my later relationships with men.So i was a dreamer i longed to escape and at the back of the newly built council estate where my mum had been given a brand new house was a square mile of unused land we called the gypsies because once a year gypsies would come and plot their for a month or so... its hard to describe but it was like a massive overgrown park that i would spend some of my foundest childhood memories... We always had something to do in the gypsies,building elaborate camps,playing hide and seek, 44 home ,and of course the infamous doctors and nurses the less said about that the better. It was my home from home and if mother ever couldn't find us she knew where we'd be . Fantasy was my first form of escapism i would counjour up elaborate make beleive worlds with exciting and powerfull charachters and assume their roles...Back in the day when beetamax was still renting at the video store i discovered my secound escapism FILM...but i wasnt normal i had to pick the most horrific odd and twisted movies like the twylight zone i was hooked on the twylight zone and probabley watched every single series availible...I would submerge into the storyline of the film and dissapear into its fantasy. So i was an odd child well above average intelligence because school had become another escape for me to get away from my bullying father. I hated being at home there was always constant comfrontations and some times i would just go to bed and pretend to be asleep...I am left handed but the school i attended had stricked rules that everybody must right with their right hand which is ok if your right handed. but for me it was a living nightmare. I was monitered constantly when in class always being corrected. when at the dinner table . when playing the chello oh yeah i forgot to mention I loved playing the cello...I would make up my own songs and perform to an audiance...Mother coundnt keep up the payments so I had to let my beloved chello go. We will meet again!



    Part two solvents and ciggarets coming soon
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just replying so you know someone's listening... glad you're getting this all out.
     
  3. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I started taking my mothers cigarettes from the ashtray and would keep a secret stash in the bathroom behind the sink i also had my first porno mag here i must of been around 13 or so its around this time i discovered solvents and some of the kids from school would inhale tipex finer which got you buzzing good and proper. One day whilst inhaling solvents i had a strange hallucination it was of a kid who'd died from taking solvents a ghost pleading with me not to continue taking them. To this day i don't know what actually happened but it felt real and ive never forgot it and took heed of his words and stopped taking solvents but soon discovered marijuana Alcohol and Lsd . By the time i was 15 i was addicted to alcohol which had began to reak havoc in my life.if id of known the hell that was to come...if only id of known....things would of been different
     
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