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Broken doll with no chance of ever being normal again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dantesin, Sep 28, 2010.

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  1. dantesin

    dantesin Member

    Hi this is my first post and im here on the internet today because I havent got anybody I can talk to and even if nobody reads this just writing it is helping me a little

    I was born with a huge talent for music... a voice of an angel some said and parents who pushed me to practise for years untill I was sent to college

    My parents didnt have much money but what my mum had spare she would put into my musical education and I wasnt allowed any friends or to leave the house alone until I was sent to the consevatoire

    I was always made to feel like a failure whenever I couldnt do something or if I didnt get a certain role in a musical play and when I went to college there was money for tuition and rent but nothing else... I had to get a job and the only times I could find anything outside of my school day were from 9pm at night till 4 am in the morning

    I got into prostitution and from there hard drugs to deal with the pain mentally and physically that came along with that

    I got thrown out of college for slipping grades after I got pregnant and had a backstreet abortion while I was fully awake and from here my parents disowned me

    I met a man who I believed loved me and because he was a multi millionaire suddenly my mother was happy but unfortunately my drug use had taken its toll and I found it hard to be a wife

    he was like my mother...controlling and abusive verbally which would push me to use to numb my heart which was screaming

    he beat me up and broke some bones and threw me out and once again my parents didnt want to know and to get money to pay rent I went back to the old

    its been 5 years since then and even though Ive managed to cut down the drugs considerably Im still being used by men for barely enough to cover my bills....i am in debt and very frightened

    nobody knows this...they see me as a (stunning girl they say) but Im broken and in so much pain its hard to carry on from day to day

    Ive thought of ending it so many times but I have this faith that something good will happen...HAS to happen because Im not a bad person...I have so much to give so much love to give

    I want my mum to love me....to be proud of me....I want to respect myself I dont want to be used by men

    I want to survive

    please help me
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Dantesin,
    That doesn't have to be the end. My therapist was in the same boat.. She was prostituting and doing drugs.. Then one day she decided to do something about it.. She went to JR College and got her license to be a therapist and now she has straightened out her life..She's making good money and doesn't rely on anyone..So you see things can turn around for you.. You have to get to the point where you say enough is enough.. I hope you find something to keep you positive.. Good Luck!!
  3. dantesin

    dantesin Member

    Thanks so much for the reply to my post

    it means alot, Im moving apartments to a cheaper neighbourhood that isnt such a stress money wise and Im gonna try and get back into teaching music, I made this decision last week and have felt so much more positive since.....big love to you

    I wish you a wonderful day :) x
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Well thats good news.. I'm glad you are taking positive steps...
  5. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Good luck on making those changes and lets be hopeful a brighter future is round the corner.

    Keep us posted I'm thinking of you.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    i'm so sorry that these things have happened to you.

    you might want to visit here


    i think they also have a hotline for domestic violence.

    even if it was something in the past, maybe they can help or direct you to other organizations that can help.

    i don't know what the laws are in the uk, but in the us you could sue your ex-boyfriend for what he did to you.

    there are also suicide crisis lines that you can call.

    i hope that things get better soon!
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